


Walking Contradiction

by hotelcortez



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Lee Felix (Stray Kids)-centric, Past Abuse, Physical Abuse, Protect Stray Kids, Shy Lee Felix (Stray Kids), cute aussie line, photographer lee felix
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-17
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-11-21 12:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 11
Words: 56,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18141920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hotelcortez/pseuds/hotelcortez
Summary: Stray Kids are a successful group of 8, but they’ve always been held back by a mystery that surrounds them, a mystery of a supposed 9th member whose dreams were shattered in an untold story.It was always assumed a myth until they meet shy photographer Lee Felix and the myth becomes a very terrifying reality.





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, hello!
> 
> It's been so long since I've uploaded, I'm so sorry! I've just had a load of exams and everything became kind of hectic for a while, but I'm back now.
> 
> It's also taken me a while to write this. Yes, I am back with a new multi-chaptered story that is very, very long.  
> I'm not going to lie, I am extremely nervous about posting this and it's not 100% finished yet, but it is close and I know that I am ready.
> 
> Sorry in advance for my terrible writing, but I still hope you enjoy xx
> 
> Welcome to the prologue!

Stray Kids had only debuted about a year ago, but they were already remarkably successful. They had four albums, nine roty awards and a huge fandom. Monster rookies were words that were thrown around a lot, but they never fit with anyone better than they did with Stray Kids.

They were a group of eight. There was the Australian leader Chan and seven other Koreans, all brimming with talent and sparkling with dedication, never taking a break from achieving their dreams. 

And they got along perfectly. Every single one of those boys learnt to understand each other inside and out and all their fights ended in hugs and kind words. There was never a dull moment for any of them. 

But there was something, or rather someone, who plagued their thoughts a lot. There was a very well-known rumour that Stray Kids was originally intended by be a group of nine, but then something happened and the ninth mystery trainee was gone. The eight boys had never gotten the full story on whether the trainee existed or what had really caused his departure if he did but judging by the secrecy and intensity of the whispers from the time, it had been serious. All they knew was that the boy was supposedly talented, foreign and his dreams had been shattered by something out of his control. 

The staff denied it every time the boys asked whether the rumour was true, but it was clear that there was something hidden from them. They often wondered if they would have gotten along well with the mystery member, or if it really was a shame he’d had everything taken from him as he could have made an amazing contribution to the group. But whenever the boys tried to ask for more details, they were denied. Their curiosity grew strong, but they began to give up hope that they would ever find out whether the mystery trainee was real and, if he was, what had caused him to leave.

It turns out, the answers were a lot closer than they’d ever imagined them to be. 

Lee Felix was a shy Australian boy who often floated around the JYP building unnoticed. He was small, quiet, young and always carrying a camera. 

Stray Kids had bumped into him many times and the conversations they had were always pleasant, especially for Chan who often found it was his only opportunity to talk to a fellow-Aussie who understood what Chan meant when he was talking about home. Felix very quickly became a good friend to the group.

After the first couple of interactions they had with him, they found out that Felix was an official photographer for JYP. He took promo photos, he videoed dance practices and he organised modelling shoots for the idols all under the instructions of JYP himself. He’d started doing all this around the same time that Stray Kids debuted, so how a younger-than-18-year-old kid had ended up a photographer at JYP, a lot of people didn’t know. Many people asked him about it, but the haunted look that always appeared in his eyes at the questions had caused everyone to stop. The boy was a mystery, and he refused to let himself be solved. 

What was even weirder, however, was that Felix was never asked to do any photography projects related to Stray Kids. The band of young boys had asked numerous times if they’d be allowed to have Felix take pictures of them as they liked spending time with the boy, but every time they had a shoot it seemed Felix had to be somewhere else. 

At first they’d understood, Felix was obviously a very busy guy and Stray Kids’ schedule wasn’t exactly very flexible, so it was expected that dates would clash at times. But then it turned into coincidence after coincidence and excuse after excuse and the whole situation began to look more suspicious than normal. But it wasn’t like there was really anything they could do about it; they had no proof that there really was something fishy going on and it wasn’t like the situation was any harm to them anyway. So, they merely continued to look forward to their little corridor meetings with Felix and gradually got to know the boy more as time went on. 

It was hard to explain, but they often found themselves drawn to the young photographer, like somehow all nine of them were meant to be together. The conversations they did have had revealed that Felix fit perfectly into the group’s dynamics and despite their meetings being brief and short, it always felt like they’d all spent as much time with him as they had with each other. Their friendship bloomed so easily and so naturally that they sometimes forgot Felix wasn’t a member of their group.

The boy just fit in so well with them, and they couldn’t understand why.

Sure, Felix was a nice kid and each member had been endeared by how Felix’s bubbly personality had gradually revealed itself as he became more comfortable around them, but this was different. It felt like Felix was some sort of missing piece, like he somehow belonged to the jigsaw puzzle that was Stray Kids.

They’d all kept these thoughts to themselves at first, too scared of the other members thinking they were weird, or maybe even ungrateful, for constantly desiring Felix’s presence. But as the conversations they had about Felix became more and more frequent, they soon realised they all had this same inexplicable fascination with the boy and it only compelled them to build more on this friendship they had started to create.

But sometimes it was difficult. Difficult because Felix was a mystery, and he refused to let himself be solved. 

There were times where Felix would disappear for weeks at a time, when he wouldn’t be spotted by any member of Stray Kids anywhere in the JYP building. It was always one day Felix was there, laughing with them about some cat video on Jisung’s phone, and then the next day he was gone, only noticeable by wisps of blonde hair darting round corners or camera flashes that would disappear quicker than they had appeared. 

It was always after things started looking up. Their conversations with Felix would get gradually longer, funnier, happier as their friendship bloomed and they’d finally convince themselves that they had managed to make Felix feel comfortable, that they were now a strong group of nine. 

But then they wouldn’t see Felix for weeks, and the boy would return just as shy as he’d been when they first met him, eyes downcast to the floor and hands shaking as he fiddled with his camera strap. Smalltalk would gradually turn into loud, cheery conversations as the process started again and they’d all finally feel settled before Felix was gone once more.

Gone. Only to return a couple of weeks later like nothing had ever happened. Like he wasn’t digging himself deeper into the mystery that Stray Kids were becoming more and more determined to solve. 

They’d asked him about it a couple of times, but Felix’s eyes were deadly and the small, haunted, puppy look that would appear in them was enough to make them all soften enough to drop the subject, Felix practically begging them to believe the excuses he came up with or to give in to the pleas for them to trust him. Every time they thought they might have gotten closer to answers from the boy, they cracked, always seeming to know even less than they did before.

So they continued on, constantly enamoured by how they knew absolutely everything about Felix but also absolutely nothing at the same time. 

The boy was a mystery, and they didn’t know it yet, but he was about to be solved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AHHHHHHHHH
> 
> I'm sorry, this is my first time trying this kind of writing style so I know it's mess, but I'm trying to improve I promise.
> 
> This is also very short because it's the prologue, the rest of the chapters are all at least triple this length so look forward to that
> 
> Have a beautiful day xx


	2. Commitment vs. Denial

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix loved photos like this, further examples of contradictions that always showcased more than they let on. Just like he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello and welcome to the first proper chapter of this fic!!
> 
> Thank you so much to all who read the prologue and are going to stick with me on this story. I'm very excited for it <3
> 
> The action in this fic won't start for a while, but things are definitely starting to heat up
> 
> Enjoy!! xx

Felix woke up as normal, cold and alone.

It seemed no matter how much he bugged the staff at JYP to get the heating in his small, two-roomed apartment fixed, they never obliged. Admittedly, they had tried sending a couple of repairmen, but Felix lived in one of the few rooms in the dorm and apartment block that hadn’t been refurbished yet, so nothing in it really worked and they appeared to have given up hope on the thing actually being fixed anytime soon. 

Felix didn’t really blame them though, he had also given up hope a long time ago.

Getting ready was a humble affair, just a quick shower, a messy sweep of a hand through his hair and a couple of minutes to brush his teeth. He pulled on an oversized, faded bottle green sweater and a pair of lightly ripped blue jeans that were rolled up a couple of centimetres above knock-off, dirty white converse. His orange hair remained untidy and loose, but he couldn’t be bothered to style it, so he let it bounce around his face, unruly bangs sometimes brushing gently over uncovered freckles. 

His bag was still by the door, containing his smaller spare camera, his phone charger, his headphones, his wallet, his keys and probably the odd bar of chocolate. He threw it around his shoulders as he adjusted his camera bags around his neck. His money that he’d saved for months had been used to buy two large, expensive, shiny cameras that were perfect for the different scenes and people he liked to take pictures of. They were both currently slung around his neck, knocking gently against each other as he moved. It was apparently going to be a big photoshoot today, he was going to need all the help he could get. 

He had to remind himself to put one of the cameras on charge the moment he got home, certain he would want to use it in the evening for his own leisurely purposes. Taking pictures of the night sky was therapeutic for him and he was sure he was going to need it at the end of the busy day. 

It was night times that it came in handy to have a room on the very top floor. It was always super easy to sneak to the ladder that led up to the roof, where there would always be an amazing view to gaze over and breath-taking photos to take, the air bitingly fresh against a lit-up city and glistening stars. 

The top-floor situation wasn’t very helpful now, however, when the lift was broken and Felix would have to walk down a ridiculous amount of stairs to get out. He didn’t mind too much though. As per usual, he’d woken up well before his morning meeting with the manager to collect his schedule for the day, so he had time to kill and it wasn’t like his body would say no to the exercise either.

Felix didn’t spend a lot of time sleeping. Most of his nights were spent taking non-work-related photos and editing, and he always woke up earlier than he was supposed to. Sometimes, when the voices in his head really wouldn’t shut up, he would sneak into one of the empty studios and spend the night losing himself in dance or letting the rhythm from his old raps flow through him. It’d been a while since he’d trained, but the routine of it was still so natural to him that it brought him comfort on sleepless nights. 

It was exactly Felix’s choice, never being able to sleep, but he didn’t let that both him either. Sleeping had scared him ever since…

He shook his head sharply as he rounded the corner to the next staircase. He didn’t need to think about that now.

Not now.

Not ever.

His camera bags jostled against him as he continued his descent downwards, determinedly focusing on the unpredictability of the way they smacked against his sides to keep his mind away from the dark thoughts it was attempting to stray to. 

He just hoped the photoshoot today was as big as the manager said it was; he was going to need a hell of a load of distractions to keep him sane today.

The cold air smacked him in the face as he finally slipped out of the apartment block and his body shivered slightly, but he didn’t regret not bringing a coat. He’d liked the cold ever since he came to South Korea, he found it refreshing and thrilling compared to the suffocation that had been in his life in the heat of Australia. His skin never grew tired of the way the icy wisps would bring out goose bumps along his arms and cause his hairs to stand on end, making him feel free and alive once more. 

His hair blew in the wind as he walked, headphones playing a peaceful, calm melody that he stepped gracefully in time to, dancer instincts still alight in every cell in his body.

The walk to the JYP building was supposed to be about 15 minutes, but it usually took him around 20-30. He liked to stop and take pictures on the way, sometimes of the sunrise, sometimes of a black cat on a nearby bench, sometimes of his trainers walking flat against pavement cracks. This routine of taking pictures every morning was a living contradiction of simultaneously being repetitive and varied; the street being the same street he walked on everyday but every morning being different to the one before. The concept was strange and completely missed by most, but he never grew tired of it.

In a way, photography had been what saved him. In another living contradiction, it was what had allowed him to both escape and remain. Because Felix had things he needed to run away from, but also things he needed to run towards and, despite it never being his intention, photography was what had granted him that. 

So he would never not be thankful for it.

Today’s victim was a rusty old café table positioned in front of a rustic red wall. Felix crouched in front of it, camera positioned in front of his face, angled upwards to capture the orange sunrise glowing powerfully over the scene. The photo was peaceful, but also vaguely foreboding in the way that it seemed like there was an inexplicable something lurking ominously in the shadows, ready to destroy all its serenity and set fire to the sky. 

Felix loved photos like this, further examples of contradictions that always showcased more than they let on. Just like he did.

He experimented a little with the angle and lighting as he snapped his shots, briefly looking at the photos before carefully placing his camera back in its bag, knowing he’d most likely have time to edit the photos later. His famous anonymous photography account would be updated once more when he finally finished them and all the people who followed it would leave starstruck comments like they always did, making his heart flutter once more. 

It was another thing that made all the money he’d spent on his cameras worth it. The company had actually offered to lend him their cameras for his work photoshoots, but Felix always opted for his own. Everything felt more secure and familiar that way, and it made working ten times easier. His cameras had become some sort of crutch to him and he was reluctant to let them go.

He made it to the building with 15 minutes to spare, so he took a detour to the café to order himself a chai latte he could drink to pass the time and keep him awake for the morning. Smiles were shared as he chatted with the barista whilst she prepared his drink, it was still too early for the usual morning coffee rush so they both had time to kill and boredom to relieve. It was nice to be able to share a few kind words before they’d both be whisked into the rush that was their work. 

The barista was just starting to mention something about Stray Kids having a secretive event planned for the day and Felix felt his interest peak, but a glance at his watch revealed that he was just verging on the edge of late. So he forced himself to wave an apologetic goodbye and walk out the door rather than listen to what she had to say. He was definitely curious, but he was practically a shadow in the JYP building; he knew how to sneak around well enough to hear everybody’s secrets so he doubted he’d remain in the dark about it for long.

The latte cup was about half-full when he made it to the office without a second to spare. His manager was already sat at the desk, typing away on the computer, brow furrowed in what appeared to be stress and concentration. Felix warily slipped through the door, clearing his throat to draw the manager’s attention. 

“Oh, Felix,” the manager said, voice slightly odd, like there was something they were trying to mask, “Come in, take a seat.”

The manager pointed to one of the chairs in front of the desk and alarm bells immediately rang ominously through Felix’s head. It was very rare that he’d actually come in and sit down. Usually the manager would take two minutes to tell Felix what to do and when to do it and then Felix would be off, ready to complete his tasks for the day. Sometimes, the manager wouldn’t even do that; they’d just fling a piece of paper in Felix’s direction when he appeared in the doorway and he’d walk off approximately five seconds later with the instructions in his hand. 

But this was different. This indicated that they had to have a discussion of some sort and Felix did not like the sound of that. Realistically, he knew that there was no need to be so pessimistic about the situation, but the manager looked concerned and Felix could feel the emotion rubbing off on him too. The latte suddenly felt cold in his hand. 

“Felix?” The word broke through the wall he had started constructing around his brain and he startled harshly. He looked up to find the manager staring at him expectantly, one arm still extended towards the chair Felix was expected to sit in. 

“Oh… sorry,” Felix said quietly as he scurried into the room, dropping his backpack on the floor in front of the desk, sitting down as well as he could with two camera bags jostling uncomfortably around his neck. He swallowed harshly as he settled down into the seat, feeling the manager’s intense gaze boring into him. 

“So, today’s schedule might be a little… different,” the manager said hesitantly, tilting their head and avoiding Felix’s gaze as they spoke, obviously skirting around an issue they didn’t want to bring up. Felix felt his heart stutter in his chest. Whatever this was, it was something to do with him, something the manager thought would specifically affect Felix. And Felix had learnt to be wary enough to know that situations like this usually didn’t end up well for him. 

“I thought… I thought I was just doing a photoshoot today?” Felix slowly asked, forcing himself to take a sip of his drink to try and calm his nerves. It was probably nothing. It was probably just an extra schedule or something. He didn’t need to be so terrified. 

“You are,” the manager answered vaguely, not making any indication of elaborating on that. Felix felt his nerves being swamped by confusion, why was the manager acting so weird about a photoshoot? Photoshoots weren’t unusual for him, he was a photographer after all. 

“Okay… so….” Felix wasn’t entirely sure what to ask, “…who is the photoshoot for?”

A panicked look briefly appeared on he manager’s face before they quickly schooled it away, but Felix managed to notice it all the same. He narrowed his eyes as the cogs started whirring in his brain, so this had something to do with who he would be taking photos of. An impossible thought sliced its way into his mind before he pushed it away. There was no way. There was no way the manager would put him in that situation.

“Felix,” the manager swallowed heavily, and Felix felt his breath get caught in his throat, “I know we said we would never do this, but we think it’s time things can change.”

Felix’s heart dropped as the pieces came together in his mind, forming a terrifying picture that he’d always sworn he’d never look at again. Their agreement had been going on for so long and it had remained successful this whole time, why were they breaking it now? Why were they doing this to him?

“You’re… you’re not saying what I think you are, right?” Felix whispered, forcing a deep breath into his lungs to try and keep his fear down. Silent prayers flew ominously in the air around him, prayers that Felix had reached the wrong conclusion, that what he was suspecting wasn’t actually what was about to happen. 

“I know what you’re thinking, Felix,” the manager said carefully, and Felix shook his head. No, the manager didn’t know what he was feeling. The manager didn’t know what it was like. The manager didn’t know what disaster they might be about to cause. The manager didn’t know about the disgustingly familiar panic blooming painfully in Felix’s chest.

This was a feeling he swore he’d never feel again. A feeling he’d told himself he would always be able to avoid. Because the place this feeling came from, the part of Felix’s mind that it had first originated was a place Felix never, ever let himself stray to. And he was never going to let anyone else push him there either. 

“You know you can’t do this,” Felix’s voice was scared, but laced with a chilling undertone of anger, “You know what I’ll do. I’ve disappeared once before, I can do it again.”

Panic appeared on the manager’s face again but this time they didn’t bother trying to hide it. They quickly leaned forward in their chair, pinning Felix with a stare that was practically begging him to listen. 

“Felix, please,” they said softly, “We would never, ever want it to come to that. We’re going to protect you. We always have, and we always will. At first, that meant not letting you work with the group, but now that can change. Your name won’t be in the public, your name won’t be associated with them, so they won’t find out. No one will find out.”

“But why?” Felix’s voice cracked, “Why go to that much more effort? Why not just get someone else to do it?”

“Because Felix,” the manager’s stare grew more intense. “We know you’re friends with them. We know you’re friends with Stray Kids.”

Stray Kids.

Felix flinched at the group name and a horribly familiar longing began to flood into every vein in his body, choking him as the memories flashed in front of his eyes.

Stray Kids.

Felix had tried to hate them, he’d tried to hate them so bad, but he couldn’t. 

Realistically, he what had happened had not been their fault. Even now, they didn’t even know about it. But Felix had been hurting so bad, he’d been hurting so goddamn bad and they were the ones who had unknowingly gained everything that he’d lost. He’d just needed someone to hate, someone to target his devastated anger towards and they’d been right there, the group who had promised him everything but given him nothing. 

But then he’d gotten to know them. Then he’d become sucked into the shining sun that was their aura and that was it from there. He’d become accustomed to their smiling faces and big dreams and he couldn’t help but gravitate towards them. They were all young and full of love, ambitious desire to change the world blooming lovingly from them. And Felix couldn’t hate them anymore. He couldn’t hate the people who were nice to him no matter what, the people who had gone out of their way to befriend him despite knowing nothing about who Felix was or what had happened to him.

Their friendship had grown strong within months and Felix loved the moments he got to share with them. He couldn’t help but notice how well he fit onto the group, how easily his personality merged with theirs, and wasn’t that just the most painful thing in the world? His longing for them grew stronger for them by the day and several times it got to the point where he was ready to drop everything and run away again, fading into the darkness once more so they’d never be able to find him. 

It was those times that Felix couldn’t help but distance himself, always telling himself that this time he wouldn’t run back to them, he wouldn’t put himself through that pain again.

But he came back every time.

The group offered him security and warmth and open, welcoming arms and no matter how hard he tried not to, Felix always found himself falling into them. 

It was another contradiction in the jigsaw that was Felix’s life. Felix and Stray Kids were like magnets; they simultaneously opposed and attracted each other. Circumstances had ensured that Felix was supposed to hate them, that it was in his nature to not even be able to get close to them, but he was pulled in their direction every time. He was attached to them and he couldn’t let go. 

It was confusing and overwhelming and his feelings about it were further contradictions that continuously twisted and writhed around in his mind. He hated himself for getting close to them. He thanked himself for getting close to them. He hated them. He loved them. He had to run away from them. He had to run towards them.

He was stuck in a constant state of limbo when he thought about them and yet somehow they were always able to comfort him about it, despite knowing absolutely nothing about what was going on in his head, about what had pushed him towards them and what had then managed to rip him away. 

He hoped they’d never find out, but that didn’t mean he was willing to lose their friendship.

Another contradiction that whirred his way through his brain. 

Like the one that was flaming through his thoughts right now. He couldn’t work with them, he knew how risky that was. He knew that he might be found out and then everything would be revealed and then he would actually be in unimaginable danger. 

But he wanted to work with them. He wanted to work with them so bad. Photographing them had been a dream of his ever since he’d become friends with them and now the opportunity was right there, so close he could reach out and grab it and it’d be his forever. 

However, he knew that there was no way he’d only be grabbing onto the opportunity. He’d also be grabbing a whole load of risks, shame, danger, fear and a bunch of other things Felix couldn’t bear to think about. He wanted to photograph them, he really did, but was he strong enough to deal with all the repercussions that would follow? Was he strong enough to be able to survive that whole process again?

Felix didn’t think he was. 

“Do you…” Felix’s hands shook as he stared down at them, “Do you really think this is worth it?”

The manager seemed to stop and think for a couple of seconds, gears visibly turning in their head before they sighed and stood up. They walked all the way round to the front of the desk and leant against it, eyes landing softly on Felix.

“I do,” they answered sincerely, “We all do.”

“Why?” the question was barely audible, but it still sounded so loud, bouncing menacingly off the walls despite only being asked as a whisper.

“Because you know Stray Kids better than anyone,” the manager answered, “They don’t know it, but you’ve been through a lot in relation to them and as a result, your friendship has turned into one of the most beautiful ones this company has ever seen. If we combine that with your extraordinary photography skills, then I know you can produce some absolutely incredible comeback photos.”

“But… but no one will know it was me, right? You still won’t associate my name with them, because you know what will happen if you do?” Felix asked hesitantly. 

“Felix, I will say this a thousand times if you need me to,” The manger said with a firm kind of conviction, “Your safety is our number one priority. We wouldn’t be doing this if we thought you’d be in any sort of danger because of it. We know what the circumstances are, and we know how to securely work with them.”

Felix breathed a sigh of relief at the words, feeling more and more inclined to accept the offer. The contradictions stormed around in his head as every atom in his body attempted to pull him in the direction of Stray Kids whilst his skin tried to tug him as far away as he could possibly get. Every inch of his body willed him to go a different way, to make a different choice, and his very soul itched with the feeling of it. 

But no matter how many emotions joined the chaos, no matter how many options he was presented with, no matter how complicated the situation got, he always knew which way the magnets would pull him. 

“I’ll do it,” he said. 

The manager smiled and Felix felt disgust curl in his gut at the sight of it. Why was he doing this to himself? Why was he breaking all the promises he had ever made to himself? Why was he submitting himself to more of the pain he already worked so hard to push down every day?

“Thank you, Felix,” the manager said softly, and Felix swallowed down the shame that bubbled in his chest, “They’re ready and waiting if you want to go now. We can stay here for a bit if you want though.”

“No, it’s okay,” Felix forced the words out, “Let’s just go.”

Felix felt numb as he pulled himself out of his chair, even the familiar smacks of his camera bag against his stomach weren’t enough to bring feeling back to him. He slung his bag around his shoulders and turned to the follow the manager out, throwing away his latte on the way to the door. The drink wasn’t finished yet, but the liquid was almost as cold as Felix’s fear and he didn’t think he could stomach anymore icy terror inside of him, so he got rid of it.

The walk to the room Stray Kids were in was simultaneously long and short. Every step made Felix like he was getting closer to death, but he kept going. He knew that he could take an infinite number of steps and still not be prepared for what was waiting for him. 

It’s just Stray Kids, he told himself. He’d spent time with them a million times before and everything had been fine. Working with them would be the same. He’d be safe. He wouldn’t be found. They would protect him. 

Felix didn’t believe a single one of the words he told himself, but that didn’t mean he stopped repeating them over and over again in his mind. They were the only thing stopping him from turning around and running away, leaving behind another life, escaping another situation, disappearing once more to keep himself safe. 

It would be okay.

It had to be okay.

He almost walked into the back of the manager when they stopped in front of a door, turning to throw him a look of sympathy as they stepped aside to let Felix reach the door handle. Felix looked away, he didn’t want sympathy. 

Oh-so-familiar voices filtered out from the other side of the door and Felix closed his eyes at the pain he felt from hearing them. He just had to act normal. He just had to treat this like any other interaction with Stray Kids. He couldn’t let them find out. 

So, he schooled his facial expression to a neutral one and relaxed his tense posture, outward appearance becoming a complete contradiction to the tornado hurtling around in his mind. The manager looked shocked at Felix’s change in demeanour, but he didn’t let it get to him. He knew how to play this game. He knew how to keep himself safe. 

He was going to be the bubbly, friendly, Australian boy that Stray Kids allowed him to be, the better person that they were always able to bring out of him, the bright star that shined beautifully in their constellation. 

He could do this.

So, with his heart in his throat and his mind in a storm, Felix took a deep breath and opened the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading chapter 2! I hope you enjoyed the little Felix character study.
> 
> More and more hints and surprises will come along in the following chapters before it all really kicks off, so I hope you look forward to that
> 
> Chapter 3 will be up at some point this weekend, so I hope you have a great week xx


	3. Display vs. Disguise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The location was, of course, secret. But there were always risks, always possibilities, always dangers, and Felix found himself assessing every single one of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all, welcome to Chapter 3!!
> 
> Once again, not much action in this one but A LOT of hints for you to pick up on. Also, I forgot to mention this last chapter, but the manager and all that will always be preferred to with gender-neutral pronouns because I don't want to assume gender roles and it just makes things easier, you can imagine them exactly how you want to.
> 
> Thank you so much for all the positive feedback on the first couple of chapters, you honestly make me feel so much less nervous about posting this story, so thank you <3
> 
> Enjoy!

Changbin and Seungmin were drawn out of their bickering by the squeak of a door handle being pushed down. They both turned around, briefly catching sigh of Hyunjin, Jeongin and Woojin pausing in their conversation, Chan putting down his phone and Jisung shyly crawling off Minho’s lap to perch on the end of the sofa, not wanting to embarrass himself in front of the mystery photographer they had been assigned. 

They all held their breaths as the door handle paused in its descent downwards. The person on the other side seemingly hesitating before the door handle was suddenly forced down, the door swinging open barely a second later.

The curiosity in the room peaked as all the members craned their necks to see who it was that the management had been excitedly whispering about for days, who it was that was apparently the best photographer they could possibly work with.

Felix stood in the open doorway, decorated with camera bags and messy hair. For a couple of seconds there was complete silence, an unreadable expression falling onto Felix’s face. But then the entire room exploded into cheers and shouts, the group celebrating finally being able to work with their treasured friend. 

Jeongin was out of his seat in a flash, dashing into Felix’s arms with a high-pitched squeal. Shock graced Felix’s features for a second before he stumbled back a couple of steps and caught Jeongin in a tight embrace, swiftly swinging the maknae round to the left to avoid crushing all the camera bags between their stomachs. 

“Are you finally going to be our photographer, hyung?” Jeongin squealed, arms looped around Felix’s neck.

“Yes, I am, Jeonginnie,” Felix responded softly, gaze falling to the floor as a timid smile appeared on his face. Jeongin frowned slightly, seemingly able to feel the tension in his friend. He tightened his grip on Felix and opened his mouth to say something before he was interrupted by Chan appearing next to them.

“Well, do what do we owe this pleasure?” the leader asked good-naturedly, reaching a hand out to ruffle Felix’s hair. Felix tensed slightly at the action but quickly relaxed when he realised what Chan was doing, looking completely panicked one second but utterly peaceful the next. Chan’s eyes narrowed as he took in the contradicting emotions. As happy as he was to be working with Felix now, he’d always been suspicious about why it had never been allowed to happen before, and the hidden fear that Felix was simultaneously displaying and disguising was not doing anything to relieve Chan’s worries. 

“We just…” Felix paused for a couple of seconds before looking up at Chan with a strained smile, “Wanted a change… I guess. Thought it was about time we got to work together.”

There was a strange undertone to Felix’s words, like there was something he was holding back on, something he felt he couldn’t reveal. Chan wanted to call him out on it, but then Jisung rushed over and made a show out of pretending to jump onto Felix’s back. The almost-twins both tripped at the action and instantly clung one another to hold themselves up, giggles racking their small frames as they stumbled, and Chan couldn’t bring himself to disturb the beautiful, genuine smile that suddenly bloomed on Felix’s face. 

“Well, this is the best change ever!” Jisung shouted, both hands squeezing Felix’s shoulders and almost knocking away the backpack the younger was still carrying, “I can’t believe you’re finally going to be the one doing our photoshoot!”

A strange kind of relief seemed to flood through Felix as he relaxed under Jisung’s touch, one of his hands coming to gently rest over the top of where Jisung’s knuckles were still gripping onto his shoulder.

“I know,” Felix smiled, “I just hope I can do justice to your beautiful faces.”

The entire room giggled at that and Woojin came over to pinch Felix’s cheek, Jisung finally releasing Felix from his tight grip so Woojin could stare down at him endearingly. Felix stared back up at Woojin like he had hung the Moon, like he was thankful for a more parental, secure touch to help reassure him. 

“Judging by what I’ve seen of your work,” Woojin said reassuringly, “You’ll do amazing.”

A blush crept onto Felix’s cheeks at the words and he shuffled his feet slightly as a small smile graced his lips. The expression looked so cute and natural on him and Chan’s heart fluttered at the sight of it, painfully reminded of how well Felix fit in with all of them. It was like the room had been empty before Felix walked in. Not because the other members faded into the background (Chan was constantly in awe by how well each of them were able to brighten a room with their own unique quirks and talents) but because somehow Felix was like a missing piece that allowed them to always shine as one, like they all stood a little bit closer together when it was all nine of them in the room. It was a confusing contradiction, considering how having more people should mean they took up more room, but whenever Felix was present they all seemed to fit together so well that they could squeeze into any space, no matter how small. They could do anything, no matter how hard it was.

“Although,” Seungmin’s snarky voice cut cleanly through Chan’s thoughts as the younger gestured at Changbin, “You might need more than a little photoshop to cover up this mess.”

“Yah!” Changbin looked completely shocked at the words and Chan found himself snorting as Jisung almost collapsed in laughter, Felix having to quickly reach out to catch him before Changbin’s offended expression sent him to the floor. 

“S-Seungmin!” Woojin tried to scold the younger, but he was laughing to hard to get the words out, high-pitched giggles leaving his mouth as he tried to bring a hand to cover his face, only making Seungmin look more proud of himself as Hyunjin grabbed his shoulders and shook them in laughter.

“Oh god,” Jeongin groaned happily, covering his eyes with his hands, “We’re never going to get any work done today, I can already sense it.”

“We’ll be professional, I promise,” Hyunjin responded sweetly, as Minho snorted, shoving Hyunjin so hard he almost fell over.

“Professional,” Minho mimicked, “Hyunjin, I’m surprised you even know what professional means.”

Felix watched as the group interacted, a distressing kind of happiness bubbling within him. He loved the group and he loved how well they got along with one another, especially when he fit so easily into the mix, but there was no denying that it hurt. Felix had memories they didn’t have, Felix had knowledge they didn’t know, Felix carried a burden that they weren’t aware existed, and once upon a time there was a day that Felix didn’t have any of that and he could have been one of them. But that day was a very long time ago, and it was times like this he was disturbingly reminded of that fact. 

He was okay with spending time with Stray Kids, and he was even okay with working with them despite knowing how stupid that was considering the danger it could put him in, but that didn’t mean the memories just went away. It didn’t mean the pain just ceased to exist. Felix had already had a very tough, emotional morning after his meeting with the manager and so the hurt was a lot harder to push down than it usually would be. 

He took a deep breath as the giggles from the group started to fade, telling himself he just needed to lose himself in their aura, he just needed to be their friend and photographer and not the one who ran away from them because of a story they didn’t even know. 

“You alright, mate?” Chan’s Australian accent filtered into Felix’s ears from right next to him, the leader looking down at him with half-suspicion, half-concern. 

“Yeah, I’m good,” Felix said quietly, “Just nervous, I guess. I’ve never photographed you guys before and you’re my friends, so I really want to get it right.”

The words weren’t a lie, but they weren’t the whole truth either. Chan seemed to be able to sense it and Felix worried for a second that he might be about to call him out on it, but instead he felt a comforting arm looping around his shoulder as Chan pulled him close.

“You’re going to be amazing, Lixie,” he smiled and Felix beamed back, softening immediately at the nickname.

“He’s right,” Jisung cut in, staring Felix in the eye, “We saw all the promo shots you did for the other groups, we were so impressed that we’ve actually spent every comeback asking if you can be the one to do our ones.”

The words sent a spark of lightning flying through Felix’s veins and he flinched, immediately overwhelmed by a confusing mixture of happiness, pride, sadness, guilt and deep, deep longing. The flinch was only small, he’d learnt very well how to keep his reactions hidden, but Chan had an arm over his shoulder and Felix panicked when the leader’s head whipped towards him, having undoubtedly felt the sudden shift in Felix’s movements. 

Luckily, the rest of the group seemed to have not noticed and Felix dived headfirst into their conversation, immersing himself so deep into it that Chan wouldn’t be able to swim down and find him, wouldn’t be able to ask him questions he didn’t know how to answer, wouldn’t be able to drag him up to the surface and bring everything to light. 

“Yeah, I wanted to do those shots too,” Felix smiled shyly, “But the company dragged me somewhere else, so I couldn’t do it.”

Of course, that was a complete lie. There was a reason Felix couldn’t do the shoots but being busy elsewhere wasn’t it. He felt guilty that the group had missed opportunities and had to have complete strangers as their photographers because of it, but there hadn’t been another choice. They hadn’t ever considered letting Felix work with Stray Kids until now. They’d originally planned not letting Felix near them altogether, but the blooming friendship between them had managed to throw that plan out the window.

“Well, they can’t drag you away now,” Hyunjin said firmly, tugging Felix out of Chans’ grip to loop both arms around his neck from behind, “You’re ours now.”

Felix’s chest warmed at the words as he craned his neck to look at Hyunjin, ignoring the way all the straps of his bags were now digging painfully into his skin under Hyunjin’s tight grip. Hyunjin met his eyes and his whole face softened, making Felix realise how excited he actually was to be able to take photos of the beauty in the group’s faces. 

“I wouldn’t look at him like that if I were you, hyung,” Felix pulled his gaze away to look at where Jeongin now had an eyebrow raised at them, “He won’t ever let go of you.”

“Um and what is wrong with that?” Hyunjin’s fake-offended voice sounded above Felix’s head and Jisung laughed. 

“How exactly do you expect him to be able to take pictures of us if he has a limpet attached to his neck?” Minho dead-panned and Felix didn’t need to be able to see Hyunjin’s face to know the older would have a comedic, shocked expression painting it. The spluttered laughs erupting in the room confirmed Felix’s prediction and he was surprised to find himself easily able to laugh along, he’d forgotten how effortlessly the kindness and love of the group relaxed him. 

Reluctantly, Hyunjin untangled himself from Felix, whining and pouting adorably until Woojin pinched his cheek and faked sympathy for him, cooing as Hyunjin good-naturedly smacked his hand away. 

“Yah! Leave me alone, hyung!” he complained, and the manager took that as their cue to enter, almost jumping in surprise when they opened the door to find the boys all still crowding round the doorway. 

They quickly smiled apologetically and shuffled back to make some room so the manager could come into the room and shut the door behind them before addressing the group. 

“The location is set and the cars are ready whenever you guys are,” the manager said and the group nodded, Stray Kids all going to grab their jackets and phones from where they’d been left on the sofa. 

“I hope you guys have all had long enough to catch up,” the manager said, words laced with an undertone of sincerity and concern as they caught Felix’s eyes in an attempt to convey the hidden message to him. He was being asked if he was alright, if he was still comfortable with what he had committed himself to, if he was still willing to go through with this despite knowing what the consequences could be.

Felix quickly nodded back, ignoring the raised eyebrows of a couple of members who caught the interaction. Panic briefly wrapped its hand around his neck, Felix praying that none of them would ask questions about it but then the manager quickly hurried them out the room, giving them no time to talk.

Felix had only made it a couple of steps down the hallway before suddenly there was a multitude of hands on him. The backpack was tugged gently but firmly off his shoulders and both his camera bags were slipped quickly slipped over his head and taken away, Felix stumbling at the unexpected contact before another pair of hands steadied him.

“Wha…” he stuttered out, whipping his head up and cursing his short height at how easy it had been to take the bags off him. Fear, confusion and shock all briefly kamikazed through his veins before his eyes fell on Chan pulling the backpack over his shoulders and Minho and Woojin both slipping his camera bags round their necks, all looking fairly smug and pleased with themselves. 

“Hyungs,” Felix whined as he brushed himself off and resumed walking, “You really don’t have to carry my stuff for me, I can manage.”

“Sorry Felix, what was that?” Chan exaggerated holding a hand up to his ear and leaning towards Felix as he walked, “I can’t hear you.”

“Hyuuuuuung,” Felix whined again, but Hyunjin, who was now linked arms with Felix after having caught him after he stumbled, was quick to shush him.

“I wouldn’t argue with them if I were you,” Hyunjin advised, “You’ve been carrying your bags all morning, there’s absolutely no way they’re letting you carry them now.”

“Oh my god,” Felix groaned, unsure whether he was endeared or annoyed by his hyungs’ actions, “It’s totally fine. I carry all that on the walk to work every morning.”

Apparently these had been the wrong words, because Chan, Woojin and Minho all stopped short in the corridor, Felix quickly being tugged back by Hyunjin to stop him from walking straight into the back of them. The rest of the group started snickering, well aware of what Felix’s words were about to unleash. 

“What?” Woojin exclaimed, horror adorning his face as he whipped round, “They make you carry all this every morning?”

“No, hyung, they don’t make me,” Felix sighed, “I choose to because I like to use my own camera equipment instead of borrowing theirs. Besides, you make it seem like I have to carry a boulder or something. It’s only three bags, three pretty light ones at that.”

“Tell me where you live,” came Chan’s immediate response, his tone leaving no room for argument, “I will come and carry these for you every morning.”

“Absolutely not,” Felix remarked, playfully shoving Chan backwards in an attempt to get him to start walking again, “You are a busy man, Bang Chan, and you don’t sleep enough as it is. There is no way I am letting you carry my bags for me every morning when I am perfectly capable of doing it myself.”

“Well, I’m still finding out where you live,” Chan responded as he turned back around to head down the corridor again, “How will you stop me then?”

“I’ll expose you for the true stalker you are, hyung,” Felix remarked with a roll of his eyes.

“Also,” Seungmin cut in, “Chan-hyung, how the hell would you figure out where he lives without him telling you?”

Chan opened his mouth to answer the question, but then seemingly realised he didn’t actually have an answer as he snapped his mouth shut, poking his tongue out at the rest of the group when they smirked. 

The rest of the walk to the cars passed relatively peacefully as the group cheerily explained to Felix what they had been up to for the past few weeks, trusting him with information about their comeback that Felix doubted they were actually allowed to share if the facial expressions from the manager were anything to go by. 

But Felix couldn’t bring himself to tell them to stop, because the more he heard about their new music and concepts, the more his fear washed away. He found himself thrilled by the ideas the boys had come up with and excited to be able to take the pictures he was going to be able to take. Their new concept was somewhere between street and urban hip-hop, much more rough and down-to-earth than the clean almost movie-like concepts they had gone for before. 

Ideas immediately pushed their way into Felix’s mind, ideas of graffiti-covered walls, of snapbacks over messy hair, of the group dancing in the street with Felix photographing their every movement, their every twist, their every facial expression as they moved to the music. 

He lost himself in the possibilities, barely paying attention to how the group were still talking whilst they tugged him down the stairs, heading towards where the cars were parked outside. The thoughts became so prominent in his mind that it took a loud squeal from Jisung to pull him out of them. 

“Oh my god, everyone look!” Jisung shouted, pointing at Felix, “He’s got that look on his face!”

Felix’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion as everyone turned to look at him excitedly, some of them smiling knowingly like they’d been waiting for him to pull ‘that look’.

“What look?” Felix asked, feeling even more puzzled when a couple of members giggled to themselves.

“Oh Felix,” Changbin said, “When you start taking pictures, or when I assume you start thinking about taking pictures, you get this look on your face. Your eyes kind of drift off and your mouth smiles a little and sometimes your tongue pops out.”

“What?!” Felix exclaimed, “That is not true!”

“Oh it is,” Chan smirked, “I could probably give you your camera back now and ask you to take pictures of that blank wall and you’d stand around looking confused for a couple of minutes, but then ‘the look’ would appear on your face and you’d grab your camera and somehow the blank wall would suddenly look interesting.”

“Oh my god,” Felix whispered, more to himself than anyone else, “I have ‘a look?’”

“You do,” Woojin confirmed, patting Felix’s head, “And we’re very grateful to be seeing it now if it means you have some ideas for our photoshoot.”

“Well…” Felix tilted his head, “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have a few.”

With that, the entire group exploded into cheers as they continued towards the exit. 

They made it outside shortly after and Felix was surprised to see a minibus outside waiting for them, probably just about big enough to fit all of them and a driver, assuming the manager took a taxi like they normally did. 

“Usually, the photographer meets us at the location or travels separately,” the manager explained before they caught sight of the boys’ crestfallen expressions and tossed Felix a wink, “But I guess today we can make an exception.”

Felix smiled in response, the rest of the group whooping as they pulled him into the vehicle. He ended up squeezed in the back with the Stray Kids ’00 line, ignoring the tug he felt on his heart strings when they started rambling about how Felix was most definitely part of the ‘00 line with them. 

They chatted contently the whole way, Felix managing to steal back one of his cameras and fiddle about with some of the controls and explain them to Seungmin when he expressed interest. Jisung and Hyunjin watched over their shoulders, occasionally poking one of the members in front of them and trying to blame it on Seungmin. Felix wouldn’t have been suprised if Minho murdered one of them before they even made it to the location. 

Fortunately, murder was not permitted on the minibus and they were all still breathing when they finally arrived, much to Minho’s distaste.

It was only when he stepped out of the vehicle into the fresh air, that Felix realised what exactly it was he was doing. What it was he was committing himself to. What was now being asked of him. 

He was agreeing to be in public with Stray Kids.

This may not have seemed like a big deal, but there were things about Felix that the others didn’t know. If Felix was sighted, if it was made known that Felix was here, he would be in all kinds of danger.

The location was, of course, secret. But there were always risks, always possibilities, always dangers, and Felix found himself assessing every single one of them. They were in a closed-off area in an empty street, with a rustic-looking urban warehouse and brick walls surrounding them. The area could be seen by the public, but not easily, especially if you didn’t know there was anything to be looking for.

There were a couple of trailers for makeup, hair and outfits, but thankfully they were barely noticeable. What really worried Felix, however, were the tall nearby buildings with large, high windows that their location could undoubtedly be seen from. Felix’s heart jumped as he looked at them. All it would take was a stay to be in one of those buildings who would innocently snap and upload a photo and Felix’s face would be on all the fan sites. Then his hiding spot would be revealed and he’d be found and everything in his life would burn to the ground once more. 

He couldn’t let that happen.

The manager seemed to sense Felix’s distress, as they quickly ushered Stray Kids to the trailers and gently pulled Felix aside, pointing out the numerous security guards dotted around who were scanning every inch of their location with fierce eyes. Felix took a deep breath at the sight, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart. They really were committed to protecting him. They really were going to keep him safe. 

It was these words that Felix kept repeating to himself as he nodded at the manager, carefully walking away to pick up his bag and pull a face mask out of it, slipping it over his mouth and chin to try and hide not only his uneasiness, but also his identity. 

Shaking his head to try and dispel the bad thoughts, Felix then picked up his camera and slowly made his way over to the set. He started taking practice shots to try and warm himself up, experimenting with the lightning and angles to see what would work best with the different graffiti and textures on the wall Stray Kids would soon be posing in front of.

The simple task was able to ground him, the camera being his crutch and the photos being his distraction. The stillness of the shots he took, the complete confidence and power they showed, were a huge contradiction compared to the way he felt inside and the fact that he was still able to produce something as clean as this even when he wanted to break was a huge reassurance to him. 

Eventually his hands were able to stop shaking and he fully relaxed into the job, admittedly becoming quite excited to see what his brain and camera would be able to come together to create with a whole new set and some beautiful new models.

Speaking of models, Felix was still wrapped up in his work when he heard footsteps from beside him. He looked up from his camera to see Chan walking towards him, the rest of Stray Kids gradually following behind as they all finished getting their hair styled and make-up topped up. Chan had changed into a puffy, red bomber jacket with a black collar and black cuffs at the end of his sleeves, stopping just above shiny fingerless gloves. His t-shirt was low-cut, exposing a toned chest with a silver chain dangled over the top. His lower half was covered by dark grey skinny jeans ripped all up the leg, tucked into thick black boots that made his walk loud and heavy. Blonde hair blew in the wind, messy and wavy, occasionally brushing over sparkling eyelids and lined eyes that were crinkled upwards in a sweet smile. Felix gasped at the sight, suddenly glad his face mask covered his now open mouth. 

His vision of the shoot started to come perfectly together as the rest of the group all became clearer in Felix’s line of sight, all wearing similar, beautiful outfits. Changbin had eyebrow slits and Hyunjin had a fake lip ring and Woojin’s hair was pulled upwards exposing his forehead and Felix almost dropped his camera as he took it all in, there was absolutely no way he was going to be able to do justice to their beauty. 

“Alright, mate?” Chan joked as he finally reached Felix, pulling him out of his daze as he winked at him in a way that made his eyes glitter in the sunlight.

“Oh my god,” Felix managed to get out, “Hyung, you all look amazing. How am I ever going to be able to take good enough photos for this?”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself, Lix,” Chan smiled, reaching out to pat Felix’s shoulder, “I saw you taking photos just now, you know what you’re doing.”

Felix opened his mouth to respond but was stopped by Chan turning around and nodding his head towards the set, gesturing at the group to get ready. They all filtered past Felix, smiling at him as they got into position, forming a group pose that they had evidently already planned, looking all kinds of badass in their new outfits.

Camera moving in front of his face, Felix took a couple of steps back and started snapping photos, trying to will himself to relax as they all stared dead into the lens. They looked good, there was no doubt about that, but Felix knew they could look better. Before he even realised it, he was letting his camera dangle round his neck as he started gesturing and instructing the group to move, telling them a new position to get into. He knew it was usually just the photographer’s job to take the photos and not to direct, but Felix knew these boys and he knew photography and he knew how to combine those things to get the perfect picture.

His dancer instincts took over as he went over the positioning, getting various members to crouch and lean as the familiar routine worked its way through his mind. Then his camera was back in his hands again and he was taking photo after photo, kneeling to get downward angles and shuffling to the side to get shots from there. His fingers expertly fiddled with the controls, changing the lighting and focus as he moved, telling the group what facial expressions to pull and where to move to when the occasion called for it. 

The camera kept clicking and the instructions continued to tumble from Felix’s mouth, the group obeying him every time as he enacted his vision. Their positions changed and then changed and then changed again as Felix talked them through it, lying on his back and standing on his tiptoes to get the best angle possible, lining himself up with the Sun so he could capture the sparkles in their eyes, the shine in their hair, the twinkle of their jewellery. The entire world faded away as he focused on nothing but the sight in front of him, determined to capture it in all its beauty, to frame it and display it for all the world to see, to make the world understand truly how majestic this group was.

He had taken an outstanding number of photos before he suddenly heard a movement from behind him that pulled him back to the real world, screen and filters slowly fading from his mind as he came back to his own and left his photography bubble, completely overwhelmed by what he had just done. He looked up to find the members beaming at him, staring at him like he was the genius who had hung the Moon. 

All his breath left him as he processed it all. Sure, he loved photography, but he had never gotten himself completely immersed in it like that before. It must have been Stray Kids. It must have been them who made him comfortable enough to do this. They made him feel so confident, so capable, that for just a few minutes he was able to let go of absolutely everything and just take some photos. He had been unsuccessfully trying to do that for years now.

Another noise from behind him finally prompted Felix to turn around, the manager standing there and crossing their arms as they grinned knowingly down at Felix.

“See?” they said smugly, “I told you this would be worth it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well well well
> 
> Things seem to be looking positive... for now
> 
> I know that chapter may have seemed a little boring, but I promise it was necessary. Next update will either come Tuesday or Wednesday 
> 
> Have an amazing day! <3


	4. Perfect vs. Imperfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> But like most times in his life, the Sun only stayed out so long and was soon replaced by a cold, dark night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, welcome to Chapter 4 <3
> 
> We have some MAJOR hints in this one, and things are definitely starting to heat up now.
> 
> I hope you all had an amazing day and you enjoy this chapter xx
> 
> (Also in this chapter I may have accidentally gone on a tiny rant about how people photoshop and whitewash idols but I don’t regret it lol)

Editing the photos was a lot harder than Felix anticipated.

He was camped out in one of the more high-tech offices, wearing a loose light purple t-shirt, ripped black sweatpants and his white converse. An old, tattered, grey beanie was resting on messy hair, occasionally brushing against shiny silver earrings that clinked whenever Felix ran his hand through the orange locks. 

Three connected screens surrounded him, all displaying various different editing programmes and photos as he went through everything he had managed to get at the Stray Kids shoot a couple of days ago. There were a lot more photos than he had expected and he was simultaneously surprised and devastated to find that every single one of them was like a giant sign displaying the words “This is what you could have had before it all got taken away!”

The voices in his head got louder the longer he worked, but Felix knew how to ignore them now. He turned up the volume on his music (his Stray Kids playlist, of course) and rapped along as he worked. His fingers expertly played with the mouse, adjusting the filter and lighting on all the photos before adding on the appropriate text and captions, fiddling with the size and colour as he continuously changed the placement on all the photos, trying to decide where they would be noticeable enough to be seen but not so much as to divert attention away from the beauty of the boys that the photos were displaying.

It was a slow and meticulous process; Felix wanted the photos to look as amazing as possible, but he also didn’t want to over-edit them either. He made sure all the members’ natural features were still on show and he took care to adjust the exposure in a way that meant the members weren’t white-washed. He’d seen some of the editing previous photographers had done and he’d been disgusted by the blatant photoshop and erasure of what he’d seen as the group’s best features. 

The task got him thinking… if all had gone to plan and he had ended up debuting, would the same thing have happened to him? Felix could already picture how willingly editors and managers would remove the freckles on his face and whiten his tan Australian skin. He could already feel the how heavy the extra foundation would be on his cheeks so that no one would be able to see his natural features.

Felix didn’t exactly like his freckles, but the thought still made him feel a little sick. He simply couldn’t imagine not having them, and he would undoubtedly miss the way his heart jumped every time a member of Stray Kids would pinch his cheeks and coo over the fairy dots on his face. 

It was these thoughts that made Felix glad he was the photographer this time. No matter what happened to him as a result, he thought it would always be worth it to leave Chan’s dimple exposed or Hyunjin’s under-eye mole uncovered. 

Felix was still editing and quietly rapping along to the first verse of ‘3rd Eye’ when two shining faces suddenly popped up in the window that allowed him to see into the corridor. He instantly recognised the smiles of Jisung and Jeongin and he giggled as their eyes widened upon spotting him. 

The door flew open mere seconds after that and Felix swivelled in his chair to face the pair as they came bounding in. 

“Lixie!” Jisung exclaimed, eyes shining and cheeks bright before he froze in the doorway and his face broke out into a shocked grin, “You’re listening to Stray Kids!”

“Of course, I am,” Felix smiled, “I can only listen to high-quality music whilst I work.”

Jisung immediately blushed at the words and Felix’s entire body softened, momentarily releasing all the tension that had built from his previously heavy thoughts.

“But hyung,” Jeongin’s voice sounded curious and Felix turned to face him, the maknae looking like he was putting together a puzzle in his mind, “You were mouthing along to something whilst we were outside… oh my god were you rapping?”

Both Jisung and Jeongin looked extremely excited at the question and Felix flushed a deep red, burying his face in his hands as he shook his head. 

“No… I was just… no…” he couldn’t think of a lie quick enough and all that left his lips was a sign as he dropped his hands, accepting his fate. Jisung squealed.

“Wow Felix, you can rap!” he started clapping, “You have to let us hear you rap some time! It must be so cool with that deep, Australian, man-voice of yours.”

“Deep, Australian, man-voice?!” Felix spluttered and Jeongin cackled, Jisung biting his lip to stop his own giggles escaping. 

“Yeah,” he said innocently, “That’s what you have.”

Felix just shook his head and rolled his eyes as he swivelled back round to face the computer, “You guys are distracting me,” he muttered.

“Come on, hyung! What could possibly be more important than us?” Jeongin teased as he ambled over to the computer, suddenly catching sight of what was on the screen causing Felix to jump at his excited gasp, “Look, it actually is us!”

Jisung immediately ran over and Jeongin threw himself onto Felix’s lap so he could sit in front of the computer, easily able to snatch up the mouse and start scrolling through Felix’s work as he and Jisung raked their eyes over the photos. 

“Jeongin, I swear if you touch anything,” Felix snapped his head up to see over the maknae’s shoulder, gripping his biceps nervously as he watched, “I have been working on these all day.”

“Well, that explains why they’re so good,” Jisung responded in awe, not even moving his eyes away from the screen before Felix smacked him in the arm, “Hey! They are!”

Felix just poked out his tongue at him as Jisung rubbed his arm, drastically pretending he was seriously injured before going back to look at the photos at the sound of Felix’s sigh.

“No, but seriously, hyung,” Jeongin spoke up, gaze still on the screen from where he was positioned on Felix’s lap, “These are amazing. How long have you been in here?”

“Ummm…. since about six this morning,” Felix answered nonchalantly.

“Six?! Felix you’ve been here…” Jisung started counting on his fingers, “Almost seven hours!”

Felix just shrugged as he continued to monitor Jeongin’s actions on the computer.

“Once I managed to edit for 11 hours straight before I fell asleep on the keyboard,” he said like it was normal, “I woke up to one of the staff members trying to feed me porridge.”

“Hyung, are you serious?” Jeongin was trying to turn around now, craning his neck to look down at Felix with wide eyes. 

“Yeah, but that was over a year ago now, though,” Felix said, not really wanting to go into more detail. Truthfully, it was just after Felix had lost everything, just after his entire life had fallen apart, and so Felix hadn’t been that great at taking care of himself. Over-working and under-eating had been completely normal, and even necessary, to him and Felix still got shudders thinking about it. He acted dismissal when it was brought up so as not to worry anyone, but the truth was the incident had scared him. The fact that he was capable of letting himself get so unhealthy, so neglected, was not at all comforting and Felix had suddenly become more afraid of the damage the demons in his own mind could do than the damage that the real-life demons who had already hurt him could do. He had let himself get to a point where he was sleep-deprived, malnourished and so goddamn depressed and, despite it being a long time ago, it still terrified him. It terrified him that he could hurt himself worse than anyone else ever could, and a certain few people had definitely tried to disprove that for him.

An uncomfortable silence suffocated the room as Jisung and Jeongin processed the words, lips worried between their teeth and hair tangled in their fingers as they thought.

“Well,” Jisung cleared his throat, squirming slightly when both Jeongin and Felix turned intense gazes his way, “We can’t let that happen again. Felix, we have a dance practice starting in about half an hour, would you like to sit in and watch? It won’t be boring, I promise.”

“I don’t know…” Felix drew the words out, completely taken aback by the offer, unsure about both his mental ability to not have a breakdown if he had to watch Stray Kids practice and whether or not he even had enough time to have a breakdown, anyway, “I really need to get this done.”

“Lix, this work we still be here when you get back,” Jisung said gently, but with a kind of conviction that was rarely seen coming from him, “Just for a little bit, I promise.”

“Yeah hyung,” Jeongin added, twisting on Felix’s lap so they could face each other, “We could even teach you some of the dances if you want. It’s great for releasing stress.”

Felix didn’t want to tell them that he basically already knew all their dances already. They were his favourite ones to learn on nights that the real world just seemed a little too much to handle. The reassuring lyrics would calm him and the music would flow so naturally through him that the dances gave him a sense of belonging, a sense of belonging that showed even if he had never debuted with the group, they were still willing to welcome him.

The scared, fearful part of his mind told Felix that going to dance with Stray Kids would only cause him more pain, only serve to remind him of all that he had lost. But the other part, the part that loved the members, was eager to join them, eager to play a part that had once been so cruelly ripped away from him. He knew it would only be ripped away again, but that didn’t mean he didn’t crave it. He longed for all the things that would hurt him, and he couldn’t stop.

Once more, contradicting emotions warred through his mind, creating a small spark of self-hatred stemming from how Felix could never make anything easy, couldn’t even make a simple decision without driving himself insane as his brain pulled him in every single direction and convinced him that everything would go wrong again no matter which way he went. 

But, once again, the magnets worked their magic.

“I do want to go…” he said quietly, almost melting at how Jisung and Jeongin’s eyes sparkled in response.

“Well, come on them, hyung!” Jeongin exclaimed, shooting off Felix’s lap.

“I’ll tell you what,” Felix bargained before the maknae could get too excited, “If I don’t finish editing this photo here I will actually go insane. So, you two go ahead and you said the practice starts in half an hour, right? I’ll be there for then.”

“Why can’t we just wait for you here and walk together?” Jisung asked, almost picking up on Felix’s lie about needing to finish the photo. What he actually needed was time to get his head on straight before joining them, and he knew finishing the photo would help with that.

“Sungie, Jeonginnie, I love you, but there is no possible way I could ever get anything done with you two in here distracting me,” Felix answered. That one was only a half-lie.

“Yah!” Jeongin pouted, “What are we supposed to do for half an hour until then?”

“I don’t know,” Felix said, shoving Jeongin out the way to wheel his chair back in front of the computer, “Take some photos for Instagram or something, I’m sure stays with appreciate you updating for once.”

Jisung seemed to consider this for a second before a light bulb turned on over his head and his entire face brightened, the scariest words Felix had ever heard leaving the boy’s mouth.

“Can I use your camera?” he exclaimed excitedly, diving forward to grab said device which was placed at the end of the desk. 

Felix’s entire world zeroed in on Jisung as he whipped round and lunged at him, grabbing the back of his shirt and pulling him back.

“Absolutely not,” Felix said, tone deadly, “Jisung, that camera is worth more than you and is more precious to me than my firstborn child will ever be. I am not letting you, of all people, anywhere near it.”

Jeongin burst out laughing at the words, almost collapsing to the floor he was laughing so hard. Jisung just looked offended for a couple of seconds, but then his eyes went big and his bottom lip jutted out in an adorable pout, the boy deliberately trying to make himself look cute. Felix cursed internally, almost completely giving in at the sight of the soft puppy eyes and chubby cheeks.

“But Liiiiiiiiiix,” Jisung whined, “I want to use your camera.”

“I… no…. Sungie… but…” Felix was completely flustered for a few moments before an idea popped into his head, “I know!”

He promptly walked over to his backpack lying on the floor under the desk, crouching down to rummage through it. In the corner of his eye he saw Jisung and Jeongin furrowing their brows in curiosity, but he didn’t let it deter him as his fingers brushed against what he was looking for and he pulled it out with a smile. 

“Here,” Felix said, standing up and handing Jisung a small black bag, “This camera’s a lot smaller and didn’t cost as much, but it can still take some damn good photos if you use it right.”

“Lix, are you serious? You’re letting me use this?” Jisung’s eyes were wide and his smile was so bright Felix was ready to give him the whole world right there and then.

“Yeah,” Felix shrugged, “It’s just my spare. I haven’t used it in a while, so it’s no big deal.”

“Wow, thank you, Lixie!” Jisung squealed, wrapping his arms around Felix before turning to Jeongin, “Come on, Innie! Let’s go!”

Jeongin immediately ran over to the doorway with Jisung, remembering to turn and give Felix a dazzling smile, “See you in half an hour, hyung!” he said, just able to catch Felix’s goodbye before the door shut behind them.

The pair excitedly made their way over to the dance studio, deciding it was best to just get there early and take photos whilst they waited rather than getting distracted somewhere else. They shoved each other as they ran, narrowly avoiding bumping into innocent passers-by as their giggles filled the building, the two admittedly quite excited by the thought of having a dance practice with Felix.

They burst into the studio in a frenzy of laughter and teasing, Jisung going to turn on the lights whilst Jeongin dumped their stuff in a corner. They met in the middle of the room, both trying to carefully pull the small camera out its case as quickly as they could without breaking it. 

Admittedly, it took them longer than it should have to work out how to turn it on, but they didn’t let it get to them as Jisung lifted the camera in front of his face, fingers already dancing on the right buttons. 

“Alright, Jeongin,” he said, “Pose.”

Jeongin was happy to oblige, throwing up a peace sign and winking as the camera clicked, Jisung’s eyes sparkling as he took the photo. Bringing both hands up to frame his face, Jeongin flashed an adorable smile, Jisung immediately capturing as many photos of it as he could. 

“Look at our cute little maknae,” he cooed and Jeongin ran towards him, arms outstretched.

“Let me see the photos!” he demanded and Jisung flipped the camera around, fiddling with the buttons to try and figure out how he was supposed to accomplish this. 

Eventually, he managed it and the pair stared excitedly at the cute eyes and bright smile of Jeongin, the boy looking like the human embodiment of sunshine in the photos.

“Awwww, you look so cute,” Jisung squealed, dancing and jumping up and down in his excitement, failing to realise he was scrolling through all the photos as his fingers clumsily clasped the camera.

By the time he had calmed down he was all out of breath, panting like he had run a marathon as his eyes dropped and landed on the camera and all oxygen left his body, his lung feeling like it had just been punctured with a blunt knife as his heart stopped at the photo that was now being displayed there. 

The entire world faded away as he shakily raised the camera to get a better look, stomach slipping down to the floor as it became clearer, Jeongin going absolutely silent beside him barring the devastated gasp he had been unable to hold back.

It was like all the air in the room had suddenly been sucked out. There one second, gone the next, leaving them to suffocate together as they stared. 

The photo was of Felix’s eye; an elegant and beautiful feature that would have rivalled the stars in the night sky if not for the horrifying bruise that covered it. 

Felix’s eyelid was swollen to double its original size, eye half-closed as he struggled to open it wide enough to see properly. His tear duct was wet and shimmering in distress, skin around the area dyed a gruesome purple with sickly greens, blues and blacks writhing hideously into the mix.

But the worst part, the part that made the bruise look like a playground compared to its horror, was the pure pain and unfiltered emotion radiating chaotically from Felix’s eye. The dark brown orb oozed desperation, longing and sadness so strong it shot out the photo and pierced the hearts of Jisung and Jeongin, the two boys immediately being swamped by overwhelming fear and confusion.

“Hyung… what…” Jeongin whispered, stumbling unsteadily away and bringing his hands to his face, “What… when… where is that photo from?”

The childlike anguish in the maknae’s voice snapped Jisung out of his daze and he was frantic to press a load of buttons on the camera, thankful when the picture disappeared. 

“I don’t know, Innie,” he said softly, taking a slow step towards Jeongin and carefully placing a hand on his shoulder, “But we weren’t supposed to see that, okay? I don’t think Felix remembers that photo was there, or he wouldn’t have given us the camera. We can’t tell anyone and spread this around, okay?”

“But Felix-hyung was hurt,” Jeongin practically pleaded, “That bruise was so bad. What if he’s in danger?”

Jisung closed his eyes, forcing himself to take a deep breath to calm his warring emotions. He couldn’t deny the question hadn’t crossed his mind, but he had to think logically, he couldn’t let Jeongin see his fear.

“Jeongin, think about it. Felix hasn’t ever given any sign of ever being hurt or in danger,” Jisung made sure to speak gently, “We don’t know when that photo was from. It could have been ages ago, yeah? We just have to trust Felix, trust that he’s keeping himself safe.”

A nod left Jeongin at the words and his hands slowly fell from his face, eyes calming slightly as he dragged in heavy breaths through his teeth.

“But we’ll look out for him, right?” he asked Jisung, “We’ll make sure he is safe, maybe even ask him that the photo wasn’t recent.”

“Of course, we will,” Jisung didn’t even hesitate, giving Jeongin’s shoulder one last squeeze before he dropped his hand, “It’s going to be okay, we’ll always look out for Felix, yeah?”

“Definitely,” Jeongin confirmed, a small, relieved smile gracing his lips, his face softening delicately before the door opened and him and Jisung whipped around like kids who’d gotten caught with their hands in the candy jar.

“Oh, hey guys! You’re earl-“ Chan stood in the doorway, cheery relaxation evident in his posture before he caught sight of the two tense boys and his back straightened, “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine,” Jisung forced a smile onto his lips, “We were just taking photos and Jeongin thought I took a bad one of him.”

“Taking photos?” Chan asked, now relaxed again as eyed the two and wondered into the room, dumping his backpack, “Where’d you get the camera?”

“Felix-hyung gave it to us,” Jeongin answered with a grin, “We invited him to today’s practice and he let us borrow it while we waited for him.”

“Felix is coming to our practice?” Chan asked, joining them in the middle of the room.

“Yeah,” Jisung nodded, “We realised he’s been cooped up editing way too long, so we invited him to join. You don’t mind, do you?”

“No, no, of course not,” Chan said with a wave of his hand, “He hasn’t been working too hard, has he?”

“Well he’s been at it a while, but it’s nothing worse than you, hyung,” Jisung said light-heartedly before his face changed, “He told us… he told us that it’s been bad for him before, but I think he’s okay.”

“Well, that’s good,” Chan nodded, “He’s always welcome here anytime.”

The sincerity in their leader’s voice prompted Jisung to look at Jeongin, the two catching each other’s eyes as a silent agreement passed between them. Realistically, they knew that the photo they had seen was something they shouldn’t be sharing, but they also needed advice and there was no one more trustworthy and understanding than Chan.

“Hyung,” Jisung started, clearing his throat and preparing to speak. But his plan was ruined by the door flying open and Hyunjin and Changbin rushing in.

“Hello hello!” they shouted, immediately going over to drop their dance bags in the corner after waving and grinning at everyone. 

“Hi guys,” Chan smiled warmly, before turning back to Jisung and Jeongin, “What were you saying, Jisungie?”

“Oh… it’s nothing,” Jisung hesitated, but he knew there was no way he could say anything with the others in the room, so he just threw a disappointed look to Jeongin who nodded back apologetically. Chan raised an eyebrow at them, not at all convinced that it was ‘nothing’, but he knew that there was a time and a place for these things and Jisung backing down meant he didn’t think it was the right time, so Chan wasn’t going to push.

Instead, everyone started warming up as Woojin, Minho and Seungmin all gradually filtered in, exchanging greetings and joining in with the stretches as they arrived. 

They were almost done when the door opened again and a hesitant figure poked their head in.

“Is this the right room?” Came Felix’s low, quiet voice before the boy laid eyes on them and visibly relaxed, “Oh thank god, I did not want to walk in on another class.”

“Oh my god, we’re such idiots!” Jisung exclaimed, smacking his forehead as Jeongin started laughing and the rest of the room looked on confused, “We forgot to tell you where we’d be.”

“It’s fine, Sungie,” Felix cracked a smile, “I found it in the end.”

He opened the door all the way and slipped inside, decorated with a backpack, two camera bags around his neck and a laptop bag slung over his shoulder, white hoodie tied around his waist and beanie pulled low over his bangs. 

“Everyone,” Jisung addressed the room as Felix closed the door behind him, puzzled looks growing on people’s faces, “Jeongin and I ran into Felix today and we invited him to practice. He’s spent all day editing our photos, so I’d thought we could repay him with a bit of entertainment.”

“Ran into me?” Felix teased, beginning to try and untangle himself from the numerous bags draped over him, “You guys barged into my office, interrupted my work and then insisted I come with you.”

“Well… whatever,” Jisung responded lamely as the rest of the room started giggling, Felix looking at them with a large grin and a wink as he pulled the laptop bag over his head and gently set it down, “You’d been working too long anyway, someone had to drag you out.”

Felix only shook his head and smiled in response, meeting Jisung’s eyes for a second and placing his things on the floor, unknowing of the way Jisung’s heart dropped at the sight. A few minutes ago, he’d been looking into the eye of a different Felix, a Felix who had been hurt by someone else, who had bruises on his face and tears staining his skin, who looked completely and utterly terrified in a way Jisung had never seen before. That Felix was a completely different Felix to the one Jisung saw now, and he swallowed heavily at the polar opposites, at the contradiction between who the person Felix allowed everyone to see and the person he really was. 

Jisung had only gotten a tiny, mere glimpse into Felix’s pain and he was already terrified. What did that mean for Felix?

Jeongin must have noticed Jisung losing himself down a certain train of thought, because the next thing he knew Jeongin was poking him in the shoulder. 

“Hyung,” he said, sounding cheery but making sure to convey sincerity in his eyes, “Why don’t we actually do what we promised and show Felix our dances?”

Smiling gratefully, Jisung nodded and turned to wink at Felix, not failing to notice the slight knowing frown that had appeared on Felix’s face. Jisung just ignored it as he faced the rest of the group, gesturing at Chan. 

“Alright then,” Chan said, a little confusion distorting his tone, “Let’s start with the intro dance we’ll be doing at our next award show.”

It only took a few seconds for them to fall into position and Felix pressed play on the music for them before settling down on the floor in front of the mirror, eager to watch.

The dance, as usual, went without a hitch and Felix watched in awe as their sharp movements sliced through the air, as they twisted effortlessly around the room, as they swirled around each other perfectly and simultaneously managed to meld as one but also individually stand out at the same time. 

It was perfect in every way, but there was a feeling at the back of Felix’s mind, a tiny biting irritation that made it look like there was something missing, that there was something the group was lacking that would truly make them a united group. 

There was absolutely no sense to the feeling as the group clearly had everything they needed; strength, talent, dedication and friendship, but there was something about it that wasn’t quite complete. Something that wasn’t quite… there. 

During the second dance, Felix stood up and walked around the group to get his camera. He carefully crouched in front them as he took a focused shot of Minho rapping his verse at the start of District 9. Minho had his arms pushed out to the side, hair messy and facial expression deadly, clothes fanning out around him. The photo was majestic, strong and powerful in all the right ways and Felix was eager to take more. 

He changed his focus to Hyunjin as the dancer began his own verse. Unlike Minho, Hyunjin stared directly into the camera and smirked into the lens. One arm was pressed against the side of his head and the other was gesturing as he bent his legs, capturing all the prevailing qualities a performer should have as he effortlessly danced and modelled. 

Felix felt more than saw the chorus coming and he quickly zoomed out, pressing himself as far as he could into the back of the mirror so he could fit all of them into the shot. He took the photo just as they all leapt into the air during Chan’s line and he pulled his eyes away from them to look down at the screen. 

The photo was perfect. They all looked like ballerinas curling through the air, faces set with determination and movements so synchronised it took Felix’s breath away. He smiled as he looked at it, barely noticing the tiny gap where he swore a ninth member could have fit in. The group was perfect as they were, and Felix was stupid for thinking he could even get close to that. 

He continued to take photos as the dance progressed, managing to get single shots of everyone but also a few more group ones. His muscles loosened and his thoughts relaxed as he fell into it, mouthing along to the words as he positioned the camera in front of his face and occasionally marking out one of the moves as he shuffled around the room. He hadn’t even realised he was doing it; it was more of a dancer instinct than anything else, but the moment the music stopped the group got excited.

“Felix, you know the words and the dance moves!” Hyunjin shouted, hair messy and eyes wide as Felix attempted to show one of the photos to Woojin. 

“What?” Felix asked, slightly taken aback as he held out the camera.

“We saw you dancing along!” Hyunjin quickly explained, “If we play another song, could you dance to it? Oh my god, could we watch you dance?”

“Oh...no….definitely not,” Felix stuttered, “Dancing isn’t really….”

Felix didn’t want to say dancing wasn’t his thing, because that would be a blatant lie, but he didn’t want to admit to anything either. Dancing in front of people in general would take him straight back to his trainee days, and dancing in front of Stray Kids would only make it that much more painful. But Felix would be lying if he denied that he missed how the music would flow through his veins, how the raps would slip from his tongue, how the adrenalin would send fire roaring along the edge of his skin.

“Dancing isn’t what?” Changbin asked, pulling Felix out of his daze as Woojin carefully gave him back the camera, “Come on, Lix. We’d love to see it.”

The entire group nodded, and Felix felt his resolve crumbling. He wanted to show them what he could do, but he was also terrified of it. What if they thought he was terrible? What if they judged him? Or worse… what if they looked too far into it and found out who Felix really was?

But the entire group was staring at him with hopeful eyes and encouraging expressions and since when had Felix ever been able to say no to them? Even on his darkest days, on days when he convinced himself that they were only a curse to him, he still ran back to them. 

“I guess I could…” Despite his words, Felix’s tone conveyed anything but agreement and Seungmin reached out to squeeze his shoulder. 

“We won’t judge you Lix,” Seungmin smiled kindly, “We promise.”

Felix completely crumbled at the words and he couldn’t stop himself from nodding, the group cheering and smiling as Chan went to fiddle with the music and Woojin went to put his camera away, saying something about how he had to look after it so he wouldn’t harm Felix’s hard work. 

The words were oddly encouraging and Felix was able to take a deep breath and tell himself to calm down as the reassuring ‘Na, Na, Nas’ from the start of My Pace started playing from the speaker. Felix grinned as he got into position on the floor, ready to leap up into the first move.

The entire world faded away as Felix started the dance, the rush flooding into his every nerve and tingling against every inch of his skin as he fell into the first verse. He didn’t even have to think about it as his arms moved and legs guided him through the room, limbs moving and body pulsing as he executed every move to perfection.

He had missed this. He had missed this so much. Every chord, every note, every lyric soared through him as the music played and he found himself rapping along to certain parts, completely immersed in the magic that was Stray Kids’ music. 

It was simultaneously the best and worst feeling he could imagine. It was everything he ever wanted, everything he had ever dreamed of, but it was the closest he would come to ever actually achieving it. 

He felt weightless, but he also felt tied to earth. 

He felt invincible, but he also felt defeated. 

He felt like he had everything he had ever wanted, but he also felt the pain from it all being ripped away.

This was the person he could have become. The people cheering for him from where they were sat in front of the mirror were the people he could have alongside him. But he wasn’t that person anymore and these people had unintentionally gone on without him and it hurt so bad he couldn’t breathe.

But they were right here, right in front of him now, and Felix wanted to savour every second. 

He was panting and sweating when the song ended and the real world came back to him in a rush, consisting of loud applause and rushing feet as the group pulled him into a tight hug, shouting about how amazed they were about how he knew the choreography and the words.

He heard several yells about how deep his voice was and how fluid his movements were and he was overwhelmed by pride as he sagged against Minho, who had been the one to reach him first and was clinging to him from the front. 

“Oh my god,” he managed to stutter into Minho’s shoulder, but still loud enough for the group to hear, “I haven’t danced like that in a while.”

“Well, I don’t understand why you haven’t,” came Minho’s voice, speaking directly into Felix’s ear, “That was incredible.”

Felix’s heart skipped a beat at the compliment and he couldn’t help but smile, laughing into Minho’s shoulder as he relished in one of happiest moments he had ever experienced. Happiness and pride were warming his skin like sunshine and he couldn’t help but bask in it, surrounded by the people he loved most in the world. 

But like most times in his life, the Sun only stayed out so long and was soon replaced by a cold, dark night.

The group had just let go of each other when the door opened and one of the company dance teachers walked in. Felix instantly recognised them as one of the main instructors Felix had when he trained and the sight of them sent memories flashing through his brain. He sucked in a breath as he was transported back to a time he had been so full of hope, so full of courage, ready to make dreams come true. The instructor had seen Felix’s spark and only encouraged it to ignite as Felix improved.

But then the flame had been put out and Felix was left empty.

“Oh, hello everyone,” the instructor said warmly as they entered, “Hi Felix, haven’t seen you in a while.”

“Hi,” Felix waved shyly back. He’d only spoken to the instructor a couple of times since his training had ended, and it had been awkward and painful. The instructor had wanted to ask questions Felix hadn’t been ready to answer and the air had been poisoned by trauma and curiosity. Their relationship hadn’t suffered from it, but it didn’t improve either.

“Felix was showing us his dance,” Jeongin said happily as the group began to filter around to grab water bottles or phones or towels or whatever it was they needed before they received instructions, “He dances so well, we had no idea.”

“Well,” the instructor smiled and Felix felt his stomach harden to cold dread as he predicted their next words, “I hope you wouldn’t expect anything less from someone I trained.”

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

A look of shock and horror invaded the instructor’s face and they quickly slapped a hand over their mouth, cursing their slip of tongue. They tried to stutter out an apology, but it was too late now.

It was too late. Stray Kids had heard too much.

The entire world tilted on his axis as Felix recoiled, stumbling to take a step away from the rest of the group as some of them turned to stare at him. Not all of them had yet caught on to what the instructor’s words meant, but it wouldn’t take them long.

“Felix,” Chan’s voice was hesitant and shocked, and Felix winced at the sound of it, of course it would be Chan to figure it out, “You… you were a trainee?”

Felix swallowed heavily at the words, entire world going in and out of focus as he clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to figure out how he was supposed to respond.

Stray Kids were never supposed to know how he first came into JYP, how he was originally a trainee. It would only grant them another piece to the forbidden puzzle that was Felix.

“…I was,” Felix eventually forced out through gritted teeth, refusing to meet anyone’s eyes as they shuffled around, all looking equally confused and scared like they weren’t sure what they were supposed to do with the new information.

“But… but you never debuted?” came Woojin’s soft voice, and Felix almost started crying at the sound of it. He sounded so sympathetic, so caring, and the cruel voices burned even more painfully through Felix’s skull, overpowering the kindness with their spite, whispering about how Felix was so underserving of such affection. 

“No… I didn’t,” Felix whispered, turning away to bury his face in his hands, the memories torturing his mind and infecting his thoughts with a cold anguish that he had sworn to never feel again, “Something happened. Everything fell apart… I couldn’t… I couldn’t debut anymore.” 

The words felt like ice dripping from his mouth, burning his face with terror as he began to shake. The group was never supposed to see him like this. They were never supposed to hear him say those words. They were never supposed to see anything more than Felix allowed them to see.

“Lix…” the word sounded sad and pitiful and Felix couldn’t even fathom who had said it before he heard footsteps approaching him cautiously from behind and his entire world became panic. 

“I have to go!” he spluttered out, whipping round and stumbling over to his stuff as he gathered it all haphazardly in his arms, throwing a couple of straps over his neck before bolting out the door. Panicked pleas and frenzied footsteps followed him, but he refused to let them catch him as he ran away. He knew how to hide, he knew how to disappear.

They wouldn’t be able to find him.

They wouldn’t be able to figure it out.

He wouldn’t let them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmm……..
> 
> This chapter was quite long, but is actually not the longest one I have written so I hope you're excited.
> 
> The next chapter will most likely come out on Saturday (if not it'll probably be really late on Friday depending on how tired I am)
> 
> Hope you all have a great day and you're all happy and healthy and getting enough sleep ily <3


	5. Day vs. Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How much longer could he spend living a lie?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all xx
> 
> So, today has been a loooooooong day filled with travelling and exams and my eyes are burning and my brain is melting and I am unbelievably tired, but I knew I'd be really disappointed in myself if I didn't update today so I sorted out all my editing and everything on the long af coach journey and now the chapter is ready, so I really hope you enjoy it xx
> 
> Heads up: this chapter goes out to the Chanlix lovers <3

The night air was bitingly cold as it cut into Felix’s skin, drawing shivers from his fingers and goose bumps from his arms. The sensation was a feeling he was familiar with, having spent many a night trying to escape the world on this very same roof. 

The view was never the same view; sometimes the city thrived. Car lights would dart around, stars would glisten, the general chatter of human interaction would hum pleasantly through the air as Felix stood over the rail with his camera held over the edge, capturing his position from on top of the world. 

But other nights, like tonight, the city would stand still. House lights were slowly dimming, the odd lonely bus hovered down the roads and clouds blocked the light of the stars, only giving way to a full moon that shone down on Felix as the boy sat staring at it all.

He was a tangle of limbs leant against the wall of the small raised roof area that housed the little trap door you needed to climb through to get to the roof. It was at the top of the hidden hallway ladder that he had discovered one day at the end of his corridor. At first, he had been anxious about coming to take pictures on the roof all the time, but now he sought comfort in it. It was a way of leaving all his problems and worries and stresses below him as he existed only in the fresh night air. 

Not to mention the pictures looked amazing. They were his most popular uploads on his anonymous photography account and he always looked forward to posting more. 

But tonight, his camera rested untouched a few inches next to him. He didn’t want to take pictures tonight. He just wanted to sit and remember what it was like to breathe. His back was cold against the wall and his bare arms were wrapped loosely around legs that were tucked into his chest, conserving as much warmth as he could. He couldn’t really remember the panic that had drawn him up to the roof without a jacket, but he was too drained to go back and get one now. 

The events of the day had exhausted him. It had started off so easy, so simple, and then it had been more fun than he’d let himself experience in a while. He should have known it wouldn’t last.

Now everything was going to have to change. Stray Kids knew too much. Stray Kids had another key to unlock the door that would show them everything. Stray Kids were learning more and more about Felix and despite how much he longed for their comfort, he couldn’t let them see how broken he was. He couldn’t pull them into his darkness. 

So, he sat alone on the roof, quietly contemplating what he was supposed to do next. Every solution he could think of had been tried before; he couldn’t cut ties with them because he’d just go running back. He couldn’t get their managers to keep them separated because neither he nor them ever listened to their managers, anyway. He couldn’t just keep withholding information because at some point, somewhere along the line, something would get spilt and there’d be no way for Felix to stop it.

The decision was hard and complicated, and Felix contradicted himself at every turn. Some part of him, a deeply repressed part, wanted to just let go and reveal everything. But the other parts, the parts that screamed at him late at night, couldn’t imagine anything worse. 

The thoughts zigzagged through his mind, leaving chaos and devastation in their wake, causing ice to pierce his heart and fire to roar in front of his eyes. Every situation, every outcome, every possibility, ended in destruction in his mind and he cursed himself for being so weak, being so stupid, being such a burden to everyone he met. Why did everything he touch have to end in pain? Why couldn’t anything ever be easy for him?

The worries and anxiety clogged his lungs like water and he found himself drowning in it. The air inside of him was so hot and encased compared to the air around him that was fresh and free. It was all right there in front of him and he still couldn’t reach it. It should all be so easy, he should be over it by now, he should have left this place over a year ago. But he was still here, and he was still broken. 

How much longer could he spend living a lie?

The storm in his mind was interrupted by Stray Kids’ ‘Grow Up’ suddenly floating melodically through the air and Felix felt the group’s soothing voices and reassuring lyrics wash over him, allowing him to take in a breath and feel his heart re-start again as he looked down at his ringing phone.

The screen displayed a photo of Chan grinning widely, dimple popping out and eyes shining as bright as the blue sky behind him. Felix simultaneously panicked and smiled at the sight. He was honestly surprised none of the members had tried to call him yet given his fast exit from the studio earlier that day, but he figured Chan would be the first one to ring.

Felix tried to resist answering, tried to tell himself talking to Chan would only cause more problems, but Felix was craving comfort, craving warmth, and he knew Chan’s homely voice and soft assurance would grant him that. So, with shaking fingers, Felix reached down and answered the phone, taking his time when bringing it up to his ear. 

“…hello,” he said softly, in English, not missing the relieved breath that travelled through the phone from the other side. 

“Felix,” Chan spoke softly, but Felix could make out the concern in his voice, “Hey Lixie, how are you?”

“I’m…” Felix sighed, he didn’t want to lie, but he didn’t want to tell the truth either, “I really don’t know, Chris. I’m sorry about earlier, I probably really confused you all.”

Felix could still see all their innocent, shocked faces when they had listened to his scared, broken voice talking about his trainee days. He could still see the way they all tensed up when he bolted out the room, leaving them behind in a room that had become cold and tense. 

“You don’t need to apologise,” Chan said and Felix felt warmth bloom in his chest at the words, “I’m not going to lie to you, we were all a bit surprised, but all we care about is that you’re okay.”

“I… I will be,” Felix whispered, eyes watering as he stared directly at the Moon, trying to ignore the comfort Chan’s words were bringing him. He didn’t deserve to feel it. He didn’t deserve to be the one to take it.

“That’s good,” Chan said, the sounds of shuffling from his end of the phone causing Felix’s eyebrows to knit together in confusion, “But I do need to ask a favour.”

The words sparked panic in Felix chest, alongside flames of surprise and confusion. He tried to take a deep breath, telling himself that these feelings were all completely irrational, Chan literally just wanted a favour. But his brain was screaming at him that Chan was going to ask him to explain why he was a former-trainee and Felix would be too weak to hold back an answer. 

“S-sure,” Felix hoped Chan didn’t notice the wobble in his voice, “What’s up?”

“Well…” Chan sounded hesitant, before he let out a resigned sigh, “I’m kinda outside your apartment.”

“What?!” Felix bolted upright, a million questions swarming to the tip of his tongue. Why was Chan outside his apartment? How long had he been there? How had he found it? What was he planning to do?

“Yeah… I was kind of wondering if you could, you know, let me in?” Chan’s voice was laced with humour, but still spoken in a way that expressed concern and sincerity.

“Um, well… thing is, I’m not exactly… in my apartment right now,” Felix chewed on his fingernails and looked around as he spoke, contemplating his next move, could he bring Chan up here? Could he expose his safe space like that?

One of Felix’s biggest fears was losing his rooftop-time. He couldn’t bear the idea of Chan laughing at him for enjoying it, or simply not understanding why Felix came up here and making him feel bad for it. There was a small, tiny, irrational part of Felix that feared that Chan would tell the management and get the trap door locked up, so Felix could never come up again, so he would lose one of the only places in the world where he found peace.

He was about to get up and just go down to the apartment to meet Chan, but another glance up at the Moon made him realise that the night air was cold, and lonely, and he’d always had a hidden desire to have someone to share it with. 

“Chris,” Felix swallowed heavily, “I’m going to tell you to do something and it’s going to sound really suspicious and weird, but just trust me, okay?”

“Um…” Chan sounded about as confused as Felix expected him to, “Okay, sure?”

“Good. So, you’re standing facing my door, right?” Felix asked, waiting for Chan’s confirmation, “Okay, so turn right and walk to the end of the corridor.”

“Why does it sound like you’re leading me to your cult hangout or something?” Chan asked, voice accompanied by the sound of movement as he started walking.

“Chris, if I had a cult hangout it most definitely would not be in a JYP apartment building,” Felix responded sarcastically, “Like seriously, there are ten times better places for cults than this.”

“Alright, I’ll take your word for it,” Chan joked, “I’m at the end of the corridor now, should I turn right or left?”

“Right.” Felix said, “Keep walking until there’s only one door on the left and, this is going to sound really spooky, the door legit looks like something out of a horror movie, but I need you to open it.”

“Are you sure this isn’t a good place for a cult hangout?” Chan asked as he started moving, “Oh my god, you were right. This door may as well have ‘enter if you want to die’ carved into it.”

“I know, but you’re not going to die, I promise,” Felix giggled as he allowed Chan’s jokes to calm him, “Just go through the door and tell me what you see.”

“Okay, well…” the sound of squeaking hinges accompanied Chan’s voice as it echoed down the phone, “I see… a ladder?”

“Perfect,” Felix smiled, “You have you reached your destination.”

“My destination is a ladder?”

“No, dumbass, your destination is up the ladder,” Felix deadpanned, “I’m going to hang up now, so you don’t have to hold the phone and climb up at the same time. I’ll see you in two seconds.”

“That is if I don’t get murdered by whatever cult you’ve got waiting for me at the top of this ladder,” Chan said, and Felix snorted.

“I already told you I don’t have a cult,” he whined, “Now hurry up.”

With that, he hung up and listened as the sounds of rustling got louder. Slowly leaning back against the wall, Felix reached his hand out and started to fiddle with his camera strap with small, shaking fingers. Why had Chan come all the way to the apartment? Was he going to ask Felix about what had happened that afternoon? How was Felix going to answer?

The questions thundered through his brain like a tornado and Felix felt the dark wisps of panic beginning to surround him, but they were instantly stopped by a friendly face popping hesitantly out from the other side of the wall Felix was leaning against. Chan and Felix’s eyes met and they smiled, both of their hair blowing softly in the wind. 

“Wow, Lix,” Chan said as he began walking slowly over to the sitting boy, eyes tearing themselves away from him to gaze at the view, “This is amazing.”

Felix watched as Chan’s eyes darted around to take it all in, silver car lights and golden lampposts reflecting gorgeously in the orbs like Chan was swallowing up the sight, taking it in and reflecting it beautifully back. Chan had the entire night sky in his eyes and Felix’s fingers automatically tightened on his camera, itching to take a photo.

“It is, isn’t it?” Felix eventually managed to whisper back, prompting Chan to look at him, a spark of magic lighting in the air between them as they locked gazes. The city lights danced around them, casting them in a warm, heavenly glow as the entire world seemed to fade away, leaving them alone with the welcoming night sky.

Five minutes ago, this sky seemed ominous and foreboding, but now, with Chan’s friendly comfort, it seemed beautiful and heart-warming. It was still the same sky it had been before, but now Felix perceived it in a completely contradicting way, in a way that made him feel loved and included and worthy of all that he was building for himself, worthy of the group who had accepted him with kind arms. 

He knew he belonged with Stray Kids. It was obvious. But it was only in moments like this that he let himself accept that this was a good thing, that this was a positive because it meant he got to share a calm moment with one of his favourite people in his favourite place. It was moments like these he saw the beauty in his place in the group. 

His head came to slowly rest on Chan’s shoulder, feeling the warmth soak through onto his skin as he allowed himself to relax. Chan sighed softly in response, resting his head on top of Felix’s, their hair tangling as they melded together as one. 

“What’s your story, Felix?” Chan’s soft question broke through the silence and Felix flinched, entire world crashing down around him. All thoughts of beauty turning to pain in his mind.

His breathing stopped as a million memories flooded in front of his eyes, all of them wrong, all of them out-of-order, all of them painful. He tried to squirm away, body pushing him into flight mode as his heart rate stuttered, but Chan’s soft hand on his thigh kept him in place, promising him he was safe. 

“Chris,” Felix choked the word out like a plea, a plea for help, a plea for freedom, a plea for him to please not ask that, please anything but that. 

“Hey Lixie, it’s okay,” Chan soothed, wrapping an arm around Felix’s shoulders and pulling him close, “You don’t have to answer anything you don’t want to, okay? It’s just I can’t help but notice that you have these moments when you seem so scared sometimes. I just want to help you Lixie, I want you to know that you’re safe with us.”

Chan whispered the words into Felix’s hair, rocking the fragile boy back and forth as he spoke, using his other hand to rub soothing circles onto his back. He could see the fear in Felix’s body and he knew it was increasing, boiling under his skin like a brewing storm as he felt Felix’s heartbeat speeding up under his fingertips. 

“But that’s the problem, Chris,” Felix sobbed into Chan’s shirt, he hadn’t even realised he’d started crying, “I’m not safe with you. I can’t be safe with you. Not with them out there.”

He felt Chan’s arms freeze around him, confusion and shock crackling harshly in the air like monsters looming over them ready to strike. 

“Th-Them?” Chan’s voice was quiet and scared and shaking, and Felix felt his blood run cold at the sound of it, “Felix, who’s them? Why can’t you be safe?”

“Them,” Felix choked on the word, “I ran away from them so long ago, Chris. I ran all the way from Australia to Korea to get away from them. Becoming a trainee was the only way to get a stupid roof over my head and to do the one thing that made me feel good about myself and they still found me. I was going to debut but they found me. I had to drop everything, I had to drop it all.”

Utterances and hitches lined his every syllable, his voice jumping up and down and rolling around as he sobbed. His entire body shook violently, fists clutching around Chan’s t-shirt as he desperately scrambled for some kind of comfort, some kind of safety, some kind of relief from the stinging feeling burning cruelly through his veins. 

The memories attacked him one by one. He could still remember the night they found him, the night everything had fallen apart. The swinging fists, the cut-throat words, the promises to burn his entire world down if he even thought about finding a life away from them.

They’d left him shaking and bleeding and on a cold, empty pavement in the middle of the night after some innocent passers-by had begun shouting. It was the night before he was supposed to meet Stray Kids, the night before he was supposed to start preparing his debut, the night before his life was actually supposed to start going well. 

Then they’d found him, and there was no hope of him making a public appearance ever again, not if he didn’t want them to find him again. The very name of Stray Kids had been tarnished by their words and Felix knew if he ever tried to associate with the group, everything would be made by public and they’d be able to search for him once more.

They’d assumed he’d left JYP after the attack. They didn’t know he was still tucked away there, hiding in plain sight. If they ever found out, ever saw, Felix would be in unimaginable danger.

“I can’t ever escape them!” Felix wept, tears staining Chan’s shirt as he lowly shushed Felix, “I can’t ever escape!”

“Shhhh, Lix, it’s alright,” Chan whispered into Felix’s ear, carding his hand through his orange locks. His voice was soft and homely and packed with sweetness and love and all the things Felix craved, “They’re not here right now, okay? I’m here. I’m the one who’s here and I’ve got you. Please don’t panic. It’s okay, I’m right here, I’ve got you.”

The words were music to Felix’s ears, promising comfort and safety and warmth, but Felix couldn’t ignore the sinister undertones that the music had. The sinister undertones that weren’t heard by most but were heard loud and clear by Felix. His entire life had been spent trying to find the bad in things, trying to find out what evil they could be hiding because when you’d lived the life that Felix had, seeking out the bad and facing it head-on meant less pain later. If he got his hopes up about anything, if he thought that something might just be a little bit good, he would always be let down and he knew that now. 

Everything looked good on the surface but was always more dark underneath. Like Felix’s seemingly perfect life in Australia that had been anything but perfect. Like Felix’s seemingly humble life here at JYP that was anything but humble. Like Felix’s seemingly welcoming friendship with Stray Kids that was anything but welcoming. All of it promised Felix the world, but actually ended up taking it away and he couldn’t bear to let himself be hurt by it anymore. 

Chan promised Felix that they were together, that Chan was going to stay with Felix. But with Chan here, who else was going to be with them? Who else was suddenly going to be more likely to find them? Chan was a tool in the game that they liked to play, and Felix would always, always be the one to lose. Was he strong enough to let that happen to him again?

It was so painful that it tore Felix apart, but there was nothing he could do. He craved Stray Kids’ friendship with his entire being, he longed to be one of them, he wished so badly that he could take his rightful place in the group and take on the world with them holding hands. But he couldn’t, not without hurting himself and hurting them, and he still utterly hated how easily every single one of his dreams had been destroyed to nothing. 

It was these awful thoughts that caused him to sob harder as he tried to burrow himself further into Chan’s arms, needing the warmth and love that they offered. His touches burned Felix’s skin to the point that it hurt, because Felix knew what risks he was taking by getting close to Chan like this. But in a way he craved the pain, it meant he could still feel something, it meant there truly was something special to their friendship. 

“I’m sorry,” Felix whispered the words into Chan’s chest, sending an arrow directly into the leader’s heart.

“Don’t apologise, Lix,” Chan whispered the words into Felix’s hair, tears gathering in his own eyes, “I don’t know what’s going on, I don’t know who ‘they’ are, but I do know that you don’t have to apologise. Whatever this is, it’s not your fault okay? I know enough about you to be completely sure of that.”

The words were everything Felix needed and more. It’d been so long since he’d let himself be comforted like this, so long since he’d let anyone see his pain and he’d forgotten how relieving it could be.

“Chris,” the word left his mouth shakily, but Felix gathered to strength to lift his face out of Chan’s chest, looking the leader in the eyes, “Thank you.”

Chan’s eyes widened at the words, and for a second panic flickered over his face. But then his entire body softened and he stared at Felix like they were brothers, hand coming down to cup Felix’s cheek.

“Don’t thank me,” he said with a soft, endeared smile, “I’ve got eight children now, Lix, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

Felix allowed himself to giggle at the words, nuzzling his nose in Chan’s chest for a couple of seconds before releasing himself from Chan’s grip and sitting up properly. The two faced each other in the cold night air, Felix rubbing his face to rid himself of leftover tears before meeting Chan’s eyes. They continued to stare at each other as the world went by around them, all heavy thoughts and dark pasts leaving them temporarily as Felix allowed himself to finish calming down, drawing from the pleasant aura Chan was surrounding him in. 

“You know, Felix?” Chan said softly, “You confuse me sometimes, you’re like this… walking contradiction.”

Felix tilted his head as Chan spoke, childlike confusion flooding into his mind. Of all the things he had been called before, a walking contradiction was definitely not one of them. He allowed the words to filter into his mind, contemplating briefly what Chan was talking about.

“Walking contradiction?” he asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well…” Chan’s eyes glazed over as he thought, “You have this way of making me feel like I know everything about you, like I know exactly all there is to know about you. But then you’ll say something, or react some way, and then I’ll realise that I actually know nothing.”

Felix felt guilt flood him at the words, swallowing heavily as he briefly considered how he was supposed to respond to that. Chan seemed to sense his distress and reached forward to take his hand, opening his mouth to offer more words of comfort.

“It’s not a bad thing, Lix,” he said softly, drawing soothing circles on the back of Felix’s hand, “This whole situation, your life, is evidently a lot more complicated than we originally thought. But that doesn’t change anything. If you’re still not comfortable with sharing anything, then we won’t pressure you. But at the same time, if you do want to talk about it, it doesn’t matter how big or messy the situation is, we will still be there to listen.”

A couple more tears left Felix’s eyes at the words and Chan smiled as he used to his free hand to wipe them away.

“I’m sensing you don’t want to talk about this anymore,” he said softly, and Felix nodded, “That’s okay, just please know that we are always here for you, okay? I’m not going to leave you behind.”

The words triggered a spark of something in Felix and he dove forward to wrap his hands around Chan’s neck, almost tackling the leader with the force at which he hugged him. Chan laughed heartily in response and snaked his arms around Felix’s waist, squeezing with all his might.

“I’m always here for you too, Chris,” Felix said, tone conveying that he meant every single word.

“I didn’t doubt it for a second, Lix,” Chan said back, smiling warmly as he pressed his nose into Felix’s neck.

The two stayed pressed against each other for a couple more minutes, simply enjoying the relaxation that came with being in the presence of someone who loved them, someone who would accept them no matter what. 

Second by second, Felix felt his defences breaking down. He’d said a lot to Chan today, more than he’d ever allowed himself to, and instead of being ostracised, of being cast out like he’d always feared, he had been loved. And he found that the feeling was beautiful, it warmed him and blanketed him in a way he never had been before, and he found himself wanting more. If he told Chan, if he told he rest of the group, he knew now that he would be completely 100% accepted and that was something he had never been before. Maybe telling them would bring him comfort, maybe telling them would be what was best for him, maybe telling them would bring them closer together. 

He couldn’t do it now, he knew that, but suddenly he was considering telling them more than ever and, despite always expecting the feeling to terrify him, it actually consoled him and for the first time ever, he didn’t want to run away from it. 

He could tell them, he knew that now. 

He would tell them. He’d wait until they were all together, until he was 100% ready, and then he’d tell them.

For the first time in his life, he was 100% sure of that.

“Thank you, Chris,” Felix said confidently into Chan’s neck, voice completely loaded with love, sincerity and all the beautiful things he wanted Chan to feel. He felt Chan shaking his head in response, squeezing harder around Felix’s waist.

“You’re very welcome,” he said happily, “But I’m still going to need you to stop thanking me for this, it’s not a burden for me, not for any of us.”

Felix tightened his arms for a couple of seconds at the words, probably cutting off Chan’s air supply. But Chan was too much of an angel to say anything and Felix quickly let go to sit back on his heels, still facing Chan.

He watched as Chan smiled warmly at him before his eyes were drawn back over to the view next to them and he gazed over the beautiful city that had watched them get closer together. The street lights were dancing and the Moon was gazing and the air was fresh with calm and Felix was so, so glad that they’d been able to have this conversation here. The rooftop was his safe place, the place he felt most comfortable in the world, and he was so glad Chan had been able to come here and help him let go. 

Felix slowly picked up his camera, turning it on and pointing it at Chan, quickly snapping a picture of the boy’s majestic beauty lit up by the city lights. His side profile shone against the buildings behind him and the deep, blue sky ruffled against his blonde hair, making him look like a star lighting up the night. His skin was flawless, practically glowing, and Felix took a breath at how he was able to capture every inch of the boy’s beauty in front of the breath-taking view. 

Splutters erupted from Chan the moment the flash went off, and he continued protesting even when Felix gazed at the photo. But then Felix flipped the camera round and allowed Chan to see, the leader going silent the moment he saw it. 

“Wow, Felix,” he sounded awestruck, carefully cradling the camera in his hands, “This is beautiful.”

“Thanks, Chris,” Felix smiled as he slowly took the camera back, “Later I can send you this picture and some of the ones I took at your practice today, I’m sure stays will appreciate seeing you all on Instagram a bit more.”

“Well, I’d say your pictures are more than Instagram-worthy, but I’m sure we’d all appreciate it,” Chan said, nodding at Felix before he turned his head and looked once more at the view, “You know what this place reminds me of?”

“What?” Felix asked, as he stared at Chan’s wistful expression.

“This twitter account I follow,” Chan said, Felix instantly feeling his heart stutter, “It’s a photography account and they post some absolutely stunning pictures of a rooftop view sometimes, it looks a lot like this. You’d probably like the account, considering you like photography and all.”

“Chris,” Felix said, feeling slight pride and humour filling his chest, “Does that account happen to be @SeoulSydneyShots?”

“Yes!” Chan exclaimed, eyes lighting up in excitement as he looked at Felix again, “Do you follow it too?”

“No… well, not exactly…” Felix answered hesitantly, “That kind of… kind of is my account.”

Chan lit up at the words, body bouncing like a child’s as he smiled, hands clapping adorably together as he glowed in happiness.

“Oh my god, I should have known!” he exclaimed, “That’s amazing, Felix! Your account is so incredible and so popular, I should have known it was you!”

“I’m glad you like it,” Felix said shyly, trying to ignore the way his heart bloomed at someone like Chan being a fan of his work. 

“Like it? I love it!” Chan grinned, reaching forward to shake Felix’s wrists, “I can’t believe I’m friends with a celebrity.”

“Friends with a celebrity?” Felix spluttered, smacking Chan on the shoulder, “Chris, you’re literally a K-pop idol!”

“Oh yeah!” Chan said and they both burst laughing, curling into each other as they giggled, the Moon staring fondly at them.

The pair continued to chat until the Sun started peaking its head from the horizon and Chan sleepily muttered about how he’d probably have to head back, hopefully able to get in a couple hours of sleep before the Stray Kids schedule started for the day. 

Felix drowsily wished him a safe journey home, taking from him the small, spare camera that he’d left with Jisung in the practice room. Apparently, that was what Chan used as an excuse to get Felix’s address from the manager. It hadn’t been a complete lie, since Chan did genuinely return the camera, but the manager probably hadn’t been expecting Chan to spend all night on a rooftop with Felix as well.

Felix didn’t regret it though. He watched the sunrise feeling more content then he had in a very long time. A strong sense of peace had washed over him, and he was determined to savour it for as long as he possibly he could. He now longer cared about what the managers would say, what everyone else thought was best for him, he had made his decision.

He was going to tell Stray Kids about his past, he was going to let them into his life.

He was ready. He was 100% sure about that now.

But only one question remained; yes, he could tell the group about what had happened to him, and yes, he could tell them about how his time as a trainee. But could he tell them the one detail that would shock them most of all?

Could he tell them that he was supposed to be the 9th member of Stray Kids?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My precious little boys uwu 
> 
> That chapter was kinda sad but also kinda sweet so I hope you liked it :)
> 
> The next chapter is long and messy and where it all really starts to kick off so I hope you're ready
> 
> Just a quick reminder for anyone who needs it: you are doing really well, always stay strong <3


	6. Truth vs. Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Felix could still practically hear the songs he would listen to during those times, could still practically feel the burning in his ears from the horrifying volumes he would play them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone
> 
> I'm not going to lie, I am very very very nervous to post this. I almost put off posting today completely because I don't know if I can handle it. This chapter is heavy and I am extremely insecure about my writing rn.
> 
> I am going to put a TW in the end notes just because of a few of the topics mentioned, there's nothing that isn't mentioned in the tags and nothing overly-graphic, I just want you guys to be safe. So read that first if you feel like you need to.
> 
> I love you guys, enjoy~~

It was three days later that Felix was daydreaming as he ambled down the corridor, just a single camera round his neck that he fiddled with absent-mindedly as he slowly made his way to the JYP café. It was a slow day for him; he just had to take some headshots of a few new trainees before going back to his editing of the Stray Kids photos. The deadline was still a few days away, but he wanted to get it done as soon as possible so he wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. The past week had been an emotional roller coaster of stress, excitement, fear and pretty much every emotion Felix could think of. He was ready for it all go back to a new kind of normal that would arise when he managed to gather up the courage to finally tell everything to Stray Kids, to let go of most of the stuff he had been holding back for far too long.

The nostalgic thoughts continued to roam his mind as he carried on walking, wearing a plain dark grey t-shirt and an unbuttoned, checked black and white shirt over the top. On his lower half, he wore light blue ripped mum jeans and white converse. A silver necklace hung round his neck and his now faded-orange hair was long, messy and un-styled. He desperately needed a haircut, but with everything going on he’d just never gotten around to it, so his bangs fell in front of his eyes as he walked. 

Maybe that was why he couldn’t see where he was going, maybe it was because he was too caught up in his head, either way he still ended up walking straight into the back of a person who had been standing in the hallway.

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry!” he exclaimed, stumbling back as both his hands automatically came to wrap around his camera bag before he realised that his camera was fine, and he brought a hand up to sweep his bangs out of his eyes, wanting to see who he had just bumped into.

“No! I’m sorry… oh, Felix,” Felix looked up at the familiar voice, meeting the friendly face of Woojin who was just turning around and smiling down at Felix endearingly.

“Oh, hi hyung,” Felix said, giving the older boy a small wave, “Sorry, didn’t mean to walk into you there.”

“No, it’s not your fault,” Woojin said with a kind smile, “I shouldn’t have just stopped in the middle of the corridor. I was just on my way to practice when Chan texted me, turns out everyone wants coffee and since I’m the last to arrive he texted me everyone’s orders to buy on the way. I’ve no idea how I’m supposed to carry 8 drinks, though.”

“Well, what a coincidence,” Felix grinned, “I just started my break and I was on my way down to the café now, I can help you.”

“That’d be great, thanks Lix,” Woojin looked relieved and Felix smiled, patting Woojin on the shoulder as he gestured for them to start walking again.

“No problem,” he said, “I’m guessing everyone must be tired if they want coffee. How long are you guys supposed to be practicing for today?”

“Oh, just a couple of hours,” Woojin replied, “We’ve got the rest of the day free afterwards if you want to hang out. It’s totally cool if you’re busy, though, I know you have responsibilities too.”

“No, that would be great,” Felix said, heart thumping at what would most likely be a perfect opportunity to finally tell them all, “I’ve just completed the trainee headshots, so all I’ve got left to do is finish editing your photos and the deadline for that isn’t for a few days, so as long as I edit whilst you’re practicing I should be free.”

“Sounds good,” Woojin looked genuinely happy at Felix saying he would join them, “I’m not going to lie, I’m kinda disappointed that you won’t be in our practice again, though. Seeing you dance was something else, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to see it again.”

Felix averted his eyes at the words, trying to hide not only the momentary sadness that came from being reminded of the Stray Kids practice that he had panicked and run out of, but also to hide the blush that came with being complimented. Felix was glad that the members hadn’t only remembered Felix’s breakdown from that day; they also made sure to remind him how happy they were at seeing him dance, even if he had worried them all only a few minutes later.

“Thanks, hyung,” Felix mumbled, “It was… it was really great to dance with all of you. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to do something like that.”

Woojin threw him a curious look at those words and Felix could tell he wanted to ask questions, wanted to know what Felix meant. They all knew now that he had once been a trainee and it had undoubtedly sparked curiosity amongst them. It was suspicious enough how an average kid like Felix had been able to become a JYP photographer at such a young age, and even more so when you considered how easily Felix disappeared and re-appeared around the company. But the news about him being a trainee had evidently heightened this confusion even further as a kid didn’t just train for debut and then switch to being a photographer overnight. A journey like that required a story, a story Felix was going to be telling very soon.

Thankfully, Woojin seemed to sense that now was not the time for such questions and so he bit them back as Felix steered the conversation towards the lighter topic of what dances the group was going to be practicing and what their drinks orders were.

Woojin read out the list of various hot drinks, iced coffees and smoothies as they both entered the café, walking straight to the counter. Felix ordered himself a chai latte and then half of the group’s drinks before paying, ignoring Woojin’s protests about how he didn’t need to do that for them. He just shrugged as he took his change, saying he really didn’t mind. It would be lot easier to carry them that way, anyway.

They chatted contently as they waited for the drinks to be ready, Woojin promising that he and the rest of the group would pay Felix back. Felix just waved him off, pointing out how Woojin most likely wouldn’t have made the others pay him back and so it was better that they just split it. Woojin looked like he wanted to argue, but the arrival of the first round of drinks cut him off as Felix grabbed the tray. 

The rest of the drinks were ready a couple minutes later and Felix followed Woojin out the café, heading towards the practice room the rest of Stray Kids were supposed to be in. Felix would be lying if he said he didn’t almost spill all the drinks several times on their way up, but he managed to successfully make it to the studio with all of them still intact. 

Him and Woojin entered the room with matching sunshine smiles and the rest of the room cheered, even louder when they noticed Felix. 

“Feeeeellixxxxxiiieeee!!” Hyunjin squealed, running over to Felix and throwing himself into the younger’s arms, Felix panicking briefly as he tried to protect the drinks and catch the boy at the same time. Luckily, Seungmin was stood nearby and was quick to grab a couple of the cups before hot liquid ended up all the way down Hyunjin’s back. 

“Look who decided to join us,” Seungmin smiled happily, Felix trying to wave at him from where he was confined in Hyunjin’s arms. 

“He quite literally walked into me whilst I was on my way down to the café,” Woojin said, placing the now empty cup holder to the side of the room, “I explained how I was getting you all drinks and he offered to help with them.”

“Wow, that’s so nice,” Chan said, placing a hand on Felix’s shoulder as the younger came to stand next to him after somehow escaping Hyunjin, “Thanks Lix.”

Felix simply smiled in response as he met Chan’s eyes, remembering their rooftop chat from a few days ago. Chan’s eyes were sparkling as he looked endearingly down at Felix, almost as bright as they had been that night, and it filled Felix with warmth, reminding him of how safe Chan had been able to help him feel. 

“Yeah,” Jisung’s hesitant voice sounded quietly from a few feet next to them, “Thanks Felix.”

Felix turned to face at Jisung, not failing to notice how apprehensive his near-twin had become now that he was in the room. Jisung seemed almost… worried. Like he was holding back on something, like he knew something about Felix that the others didn’t. The frown on Jisung’s face only deepened when Jeongin came over and placed a hand on his shoulder, the two pairs of eyes meeting in a sinister moment of silent agreement before Jeongin steered him away. 

Concern filled Felix at the sight. Had Jisung and Jeongin stumbled across something they shouldn’t have? Had they somehow managed to find certain pieces of information that Felix hoped would remain hidden? Felix wasn’t an idiot; he knew there was evidence out there of what had happened to him, but he couldn’t imagine either Jisung or Jeongin finding it. He just had to hope he was merely misreading their actions rather than them actually having figured something out before he told them. He knew his story would be better if all of it came from him, not from the unreliable, scattered pieces of evidence that he hadn’t been able to cover up. 

“…right, Lix? Felix?” Woojin’s voice broken Felix out of his daze, prompting him to jump and snap back to reality to find the group staring at him expectantly. 

“Sorry what?” Felix said sheepishly, not missing the concern that flickered in Chan’s eyes, or the way the frowns deepened on Jisung and Jeongin’s faces. 

“You okay?” Chan said gently, studying Felix with his eyes, trying to work out if anything that came up in their rooftop talk was playing a part here.

“Yeah, I’m good,” Felix put on his best smile, “Just spaced out for a second, I guess. What were you saying?”

“Oh, I was just saying how you were going to go edit for a while and then hang out with us once our practice is over, because we all have some free time,” Woojin explained.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Felix said, thankful for the distraction, “Do you want me to come back here and find you in a couple of hours?”

“Well, we probably won’t be done in 2 hours exactly, so we can come collect you if you want?” Chan offered, “Jisungie, Jeonginnie, you know where the office Felix uses is, right?”

Both young boys jumped at being addressed, quickly pulling their gazes away from where they had been staring intensely at Felix, staring intensely like they were trying to work him out. Felix felt his suspicion deepen at their actions but didn’t say anything. Whatever they were thinking would probably come up when he told the group everything later.

“Oh…um, yeah,” Jisung nodded at Chan’s question, a strained smile appearing on his face. 

The entire group raised their eyebrows at the reply and Felix decided it would be best to slip out, not wanting to tangle himself in yet another mess he wouldn’t be able to get out of. 

“Well, I should get going now,” his voice cut cleanly through the sudden tense atmosphere coating the room, “I’ve got to get as much done as I possibly can before you lot all come barging in.”

“Yah!” Minho exclaimed, as Felix adjusted his camera round his neck and started to walk to the door, “You love our presence you brat.”

“Maybe a little,” Felix winked, backing up a few steps to grab his drink which had somehow ended up in Changbin’s hand during all the chaos that had been swapping around 9 drinks, “See you later!”

A chorus of goodbyes followed him as he left, shoulders slumping and breath leaving him in a prolonged sigh of relief as the door closed behind him. He loved Stray Kids, but boy they knew how to make situations awkward sometimes. It didn’t exactly help that he was also fairly socially inept, especially since he had very large secret to hide.

He shook it off as he made his way over to the office he would be camping out in again, excited to be able to lose himself in editing for a while. 

The next few hours flew by, Felix immersing himself in a world of filters, fonts and fond faces. The photos had actually turned out great and Felix only felt himself grow prouder as he edited them. Seeing the way Minho’s seamless silhouette stood out against the background, the way Changbin’s jawline jutted out majestically under fierce eyes, the way Jeongin’s hair blew in the wind, the camera snapping at the perfect second to catch it flawlessly framing his face, blew Felix away. The awe within him only spread as he remembered he had been the one to produce this masterpiece.

But his work required excessive brainpower and extremely well-developed attention-to-detail, so when the third hour rolled around and Felix still hadn’t taken a break, his eyes were watering and the early signs of a headache were beginning to gnarl at his brain. 

He sighed as he rubbed both hands over his face, trying to ignore the twinges in his back and shoulders from tensing over the computer too long. He cracked his knuckles as his fingers automatically re-found their way to the mouse, the young boy trying to shake his head and blink rapidly to clear his blurring vision. 

The photos drew him in again and Felix was able to fall into the job once more, but this time the magic was gone, and it felt like legitimate work rather than the fantasy world he was so used to playing in. 

He was running his hands through his hair when the door swung open to reveal Changbin’s sweaty figure in the doorway.

“Hi Yongbok,” the boy smiled, a couple more members waving from behind him when Felix threw him a glare at the name, “Sorry we took so long, got a little carried away.”

Felix blinked in surprise as his eyes wondered over to the clock to reveal it had been over three and a half hours since he had left the Stray Kids practice room.

“Oh,” he said in surprise, briefly registering the sounds of everyone filtering into the room and settling themselves down in the available floor and sofa space, “No worries. I didn’t even notice it had been that long.”

“Yeah, we can tell,” Seungmin said sarcastically, raising his eyebrows at Felix’s tired eyes and messy hair. 

Felix just shook his head at him as he quickly turned around to save his work whilst he could still remember to do so. He swivelled back round just in time to receive a water bottle directly to the face as Minho lobbed it at him from the other side of the room.

“What the hell?!” he exclaimed as the entire room burst into laughter, Minho looking extremely proud of himself, “What was that for?”

“You look like you’ve been huddled over that computer for hours,” Minho shrugged, “Drink.”

Felix didn’t know whether to thank him or throw something heavier at him as he picked up the bottle and took a sip, not denying how good the cold water felt as it slid down his throat. He downed over half the bottle, feeling his headache lessen slightly and muscles relax as the cool liquid worked into his hot bones. 

“I would say thanks, but I didn’t really appreciate having it chucked in my face,” Felix said as he gently placed the bottle down on the desk behind him.

“Just be thankful it wasn’t a coffee,” Woojin muttered, eliciting snorts from the members who were close enough to hear him. 

Felix smiled at the words, feeling his energy gradually return to him as he folded his legs underneath him and sat on his heels on the chair.

“Once I spilt my manager’s coffee all over the studio floor and it got on their phone,” Felix said, the entire group’s mouths falling open in laughter as he told his story, “Safe to say they learnt their lesson about leaving their drink on the floor.”

“Oh my god, Felix,” Hyunjin said through his giggles, “When was this?”

“Oh, it was…” Felix paused, contemplating if he really wanted to answer that, knowing it would cause a drop in the mood but also that it was the perfect gateway to the discussion he was ready to have, “It was when I was a trainee.”

The laughter turned awkward after that, the group remembering how strongly Felix had reacted when his trainee days were brought up beforehand. They could all still remember the way he’d turned away and the sadness that had poisoned the air when the words ‘Everything fell apart… I couldn’t… I couldn’t debut anymore’ had left his mouth. It had raised questions amongst them, of course it had, but they were still unsure whether it was their place to ask them.

“Um… Lix,” Woojin swallowed heavily, deciding to tentatively step into the unfamiliar territory that they were all simultaneously trying to dive into and avoid, “You don’t have to answer this, but we were wondering about you being a trainee… and how come… um… how…”

“We were wondering how you went from being a trainee to being where you are now,” Minho cut in, rescuing Woojin as the older struggled to form the right words, “We’re not trying to judge, but someone doesn’t just come here to be an idol and end up as some hidden photographer, you know?”

“Yeah… I know,” Felix averted his eyes, taking a deep breath as he told himself that this was it, this was what he was ready to do, “I was going to debut, they had a meeting planned and a date set and everything, but something happened the night before it was all supposed to start.”

The entire room went silent as the words floated through the air, accompanied by undeniable amounts of confusion and fear. Truthfully, the group didn’t know if Felix’s words had answered their questions, or just created more. 

“Something… happened?” Changbin prompted, tone hesitant and posture small but eyes conveying a strong sense of earnest that displayed how desperate he was to know.

Felix nodded, ringing his hands together and raising his head once more, looking at the group of people he loved most in the world, the group of people who’d accepted him despite the mystery and distance surrounding him, the group of people he was willing to risk everything for. He just had to hope that none of that would change now, that they wouldn’t reject him when they learnt who he really was. 

“Felix,” Chan’s soft voice carried through the air, “As much as we want you to talk to us and to explain what this is all about, we don’t want to pressure you either. You don’t have to talk about anything you don’t want to.”

The words felt like a hug to Felix, wrapping around his heart and squeezing it as he melted, remembering how safe and protected he’d felt in the leader’s arms the other night. He must have really scared Chan then, must have really confused him. Felix had no doubt that Chan had more questions than anyone considering what Felix had let slip to him on the rooftop, and yet Chan was still the one trying to make him comfortable, trying to tell him to take his time. 

It was this that made Felix realise he was definitely ready. He wanted the group to take care of him, he wanted the group to accept him, he wanted the group to remind him he was loved, and he wanted them to do that knowing every part of him. Only then, could they help mend the cracks in his heart and fill them with all the love they had to offer. 

“Thanks, Chris,” Felix said softly, meeting the leader’s eyes for a quiet second to let the warmth flow through him before he turned back to the group, “But I think there’s something you all should know.”

He licked his lips before he continued, dropping his eyes to the floor as he tried to get his thoughts together. He shuffled so that his legs were no longer underneath him but crossed in front of him, allowing him to place his hands on his knees in an attempt to stop them sweating.

“I trust you guys… a lot,” Felix said, feeling his heartbeat speed up as he wondered just how he was supposed to start, “And for that reason, I want to be able to tell this to you. I don’t want to have to hide things, because it’s really not fair to any of us and, truthfully, I really don’t like doing it.”

The words rang true as he said them, bouncing off every corner of the room before they reached his own ears and then everyone else’s. The entire group shuffled around a little, exchanging concerned glances and swallowing heavily as Felix opened his mouth to continue.

“You probably deserve to know that there are some… risks to consider when being my friend,” Felix had to drop his head at those words, too ashamed to look at the group as he said them. They were going to hate him. They were going to be scared of him. They were going to think he was weak and stupid and pathetic and useless and…

A soft hand landed on his knee. Felix whipped his head up to see Jeongin on the floor in front of him, staring at Felix with a look that was almost… knowing.

“Risks, hyung?” Jeongin asked gently, tilting his head as he studied Felix.

“Yeah,” Felix whispered the word, staring deep into Jeongin’s childlike eyes, hating himself for having lost that youthful innocence a long time ago, “Before I came to Korea, I lived with my parents and they… they were not good people.”

Jeongin’s eyes widened at the words and Felix had to tear his face away, unable to take the sympathy that he felt so undeserving of. He could hear the group gasping a few feet in front of him and he told himself he couldn’t look at them, couldn’t see the shame that he knew would be reflecting in their eyes.

“They… they never really loved each other and… they never really wanted a child,” Felix continued to explain, voice weak and shaky, “At first, they just never really paid attention to me. They raised me until I was old enough to raise myself and then they just left me alone. It wasn’t ideal, but I was okay.”

He could feel the uneasiness coating the room as he began his explanation, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his own chest. Felix didn’t have very many memories from that time. He had vague recollections of pulling kitchen chairs across tiled floors to reach cupboards to be able to make himself lunch everyday for school. And he remembered how the other kids would run to their mums and dads at the end of the day yelling about the tooth they had lost or picture they had painted whilst Felix would just slip away to walk himself home. It wasn’t fun for him, and he was lonely, but he never realised how much worse it had the potential to get.

“But I guess, as the years went by and the more time they spent feeling trapped in their situation, the got angrier they got,” Felix had to pause here, closing his eyes as the memories started to slowly trickle in, “It started out with just yelling, sometimes at me, sometimes at each other, but always so damn loud. Then they started breaking things, usually just glasses or bowls or whatever smashable item was within arm’s reach. I used to just hide under my covers and plug my headphones in and turn the volume as loud as it would go, it was where my love for music came in.”

Felix could still practically hear the songs he would listen to during those times, could still practically feel the burning in his ears from the horrifying volumes he would play them. It hurt, but it was nothing compared to the pain in his heart, nothing compared to the way he would shake under the blankets, the way he would sob at night, the way he spent all his time absolutely terrified of what his parents would do next. Those days were so unpredictable, so risky. The house felt like a minefield, every step could land you on a bomb and it was only a matter of time before it all blew up. 

His breath hitched as he remembered how scared he’d been. He had to hold back his flinch as Jeongin gently squeezed his knee, bringing Felix back to the moment, bringing him back to the here and now where he was explaining something that just might lose him the only people he had left. The thought wasn’t exactly a comforting one, but it was infinitely better than being trapped in the memories. 

“As soon as I was old enough, I got a job,” Felix continued, fiddling nervously with his fingers as Jeongin’s hands slowly started to run back and forth over his leg, “It meant I didn’t have to go back home all the time, and I needed the money. I put half to the side and saved it, so I would hopefully be able to escape one day, and I spent the other half on dance classes. I know dance wasn’t where my priorities should have been, I know I should have been saving money for more important things, but it was the only thing I could count on, the only good thing I had in my life and it was another way of keeping me out the house.”

Felix wouldn’t have been exaggerating if he said those classes had literally saved him. Not only were they the only thing that kept him sane, but they were also his ticket out when opportunities started appearing for him abroad. But they were also what got him into a lot of trouble.

“But my parents started getting suspicious,” Felix said, “They liked that I was out the house, but I think they missed the extra person to take their anger out on. One day I came home really late from work and my dad completely lost it. That was… that was the first time he hit me.”

The memories completely took over this time and an ugly sob forced its way out Felix’s throat, echoing harshly around the room and racking Felix so roughly that he doubled over in his seat, entire body shaking. Jeongin didn’t even hesitate, he climbed onto Felix’s lap, wrapping himself around his friend as Felix gasped at the embrace, tears starting to spring to his eyes.

“It’s okay, hyung,” Jeongin mumbled into his shoulder, “You’re okay.”

Pain struck Felix at the words, his inner demons telling him not to believe them, telling him he didn’t deserve them. But Jeongin was pulling him closer and the entire group was staring at him with such intense looks of love that it took his breath away. The story he was telling was suffocating him and the memories flashing in front of his eyes were drowning him, but the group were here to revive him, here to save him, and he choked on another sob at the thought.

“Things got so much worse after that,” Felix forced the words out through his tears, memories of black eyes, hand-shaped bruises and the harsh, unforgiving feeling of fists snarling through his brain, “I knew I couldn’t stay. I knew I had to get out. So, when JYP held auditions nearby I knew I had to go. I had zero confidence that I would actually get in, but I was willing to take anything I could get. I guess that desperation came through in the audition somehow, because I got in.”

Jeongin’s grip on him tightened at the words, and Felix allowed the touch to ground him. He could still remember how scared he had been at the audition, how he had shaken and panicked backstage because all the other kids were so confident, so happy and completely surrounded by family. And he was wearing second-hand clothes with thin arms and a fading bruise on his cheek, completely alone. He had felt so isolated, so outcasted, and the feeling only went away when the music started and he was able to lose himself in the rhythm for a crucial two minutes, a crucial two minutes that proved to be his means of escape.

“That audition saved me,” Felix said, shaky tone gradually stabilising as the group shuffled closer, eyes wide and faces loving, “They told me the date I had to come to Korea and I gathered all the money I had and snuck away in the middle of the night. I don’t know how I managed to figure out a way to the airport on my own and then navigate around it without getting lost, but I managed it.”

Truthfully, Felix has been so set on escaping, so set on his freedom that his legs had refused to take him anywhere else. He was convinced he could have been blindfolded for that entire trip and still have ended up on the right plane. His body, his mind, his everything, were so ready to be free that nothing could have stopped him in that moment. 

Absolutely no words could describe the way Felix felt when he had made it onto the plane, the way his heart had soared and his mind had scrambled and his entire body went numb with the feeling of ‘Oh my god, I’m finally getting away!’

It had been his first ever feeling of true freedom, and he’d practically gotten high on the taste of it.

“And… so that’s how you ended up here?” Jisung’s hesitant voice broke Felix out of his trance and Felix looked down to see the boy staring up at him tearfully. The sight broke Felix’s heart and he hated himself for being the cause of it. But he couldn’t help but notice the knowing look in Jisung’s eyes, the knowing look that had also been in Jeongin’s.

“It’s how I ended up at JYP, yes,” Felix said, not tearing his eyes away from Jisung. Jisung just nodded and curled into himself, the muscles in his arms tensing and untensing as he evidently fought some kind of internal battle. Felix couldn’t help but fear his next words.

“Felix…” the word sounded wrong and damaged as it twisted its way out Jisung’s mouth, laced with devastating uncertainty that felt like a dagger in Felix’s chest, “The other day, when Jeongin and I were using your camera, we found a…a photo. It was a photo of you and you had a really bad black eye… was that from your parents?”

All the blood drained from Felix’s face at the words, skin going a sickly white as his mind reeled back to the photo Jisung was talking about. He couldn’t believe he’d never deleted that. He couldn’t believe he’d completely forgotten about it. He couldn’t believe he’d been so stupid as to practically hand it over to Jisung and Jeongin. 

“Hyung, we’re so sorry!” Jeongin exclaimed as he pulled his head out of Felix’s chest and caught sight of his pale face, “We didn’t mean to see it, I promise. We just didn’t know how to work the camera and then it just came up and we panicked and we wanted to tell someone, but we didn’t know who and-“

“Jeongin, it’s okay,” Felix forced the words out his mouth, effectively cutting off Jeongin’s panicked rambling as he brought up both hands to rub against the maknae’s biceps, “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. I should have deleted that photo a long time ago. I’m sorry you had to see that.”

“No, don’t be sorry!” Jeongin said, throwing his arms around Felix’s neck and pulling himself close, “We should have done more about it. We just didn’t realise that the bruise was from your… your parents.”

Felix just nodded into Jeongin’s neck, hands digging into the maknae’s back as he tried to remind himself Jeongin was here, the entire group was here. He’d almost told them everything and they were all still here.

“The photo was because of your parents, right?” Seungmin’s concerned voice spoke up from where the boy was pressing himself into Hyunjin’s side, “No one else hurt you, right?”

“Right. It was because of my parents, but…” Felix took a deep breath, letting the storm in his head calm a little before he carried on, “But it wasn’t from when I was in Australia… it was when I was here, in Korea.”

The entire group gasped at that and Felix winced at the sight of their shocked faces. He’d already caused them enough devastation today, but he knew there was no way to avoid creating more. 

“What do you mean, Lix?” Woojin asked quickly, eyes scared and questioning in a way Felix had never seen them before, “I thought you got away from them?”

“I did,” Felix nodded, fighting back the tears that came at the reminder how happy he’d been once he’d escaped, how happy he’d been before his past had come running back, “But just before my debut, it all went wrong.”

Out of the corner of his eye, Felix could see a terrifying frown appear on Chan’s face. At some point during the night talk they’d had, Felix had let slip to Chan that there were people out there looking for him, people who had once been able to find him. He could practically see the cogs turning in Chan’s mind as the leader slowly started putting the pieces together.

A long minute of silence stretched on before the leader opened his mouth in a deadly whisper, eyes glazed over and not leaving the vacant spot he was staring at.

“Your parents found you, didn’t they?” he asked.

The words spread venom throughout the room, poisoning the air and infecting the atmosphere like a deadly disease. Felix nodded, a large lump forming in his throat. 

“They did,” he said, swallowing heavily, “I don’t know who it was, or how they did it, but someone somewhere in the company didn’t read my file properly and innocently sent a letter to my parents explaining all the details of my planned debut. They found me pretty quickly after that.”

“Oh my god,” Hyunjin gasped, Seungmin’s grip on him tightening almost painfully as questions ran rampant through their minds, “What happened after that?”

“They corned me outside some small, 24-hour shop late one night,” Felix answered, feeling the fear build within him at the memory, “They didn’t do enough to break bones, but it was enough to justify a hospital when the people who saw what happened called an ambulance. The company was notified and I had to tell them everything. My parents got away before anything could happen to them.”

Felix was full-on shaking by the time he was done speaking, the memories cruel and unyielding as the circled around his brain. He could still physically feel the cold chill that had frozen his heart the moment he’d heard his father’s voice on that one pivotal night, the way he’d been completely paralysed up until the point a fist had connected with his face and the entire world had tilted on its axis as Felix’s vision had met the unforgiving pavement. 

The rest was just yelled threats, painful blows and darkness. Complete and utter darkness. He didn’t know if it was because it was so late at night, or because he was simply unconscious. But he did know it went on long enough for both of those to be viable options. It went on long enough to leave him traumatised, to leave him willing to hide himself away forever, to leave him afraid of the people he was supposed to love most in the world. 

“Felix… that’s awful,” Jisung whispered, eyes sad and scared as the words left his mouth, hand unintentionally finding its way into Woojin’s, “But… how are you still here? Your parents found you, shouldn’t you have tried to get as far away as possible?”

“Honestly, I thought I would have to leave,” Felix answered, face low as he wiped at his eyes, “But then the company came forward and said they weren’t willing to let me go yet. They didn’t want me to have to disappear again. They knew that my parents would naturally start to keep a look-out on anything the company did to see if they could find me again, so obviously I couldn’t be a public figure anymore. But they also pointed out how the last thing my parents probably expected of me was to actually stay here, they probably wouldn’t even think it possible for me to remain hidden here.”

An uncomfortable silence blanketed the room as everyone processed the words, allowing them to come together in their minds to form the puzzle picture that was Felix’s life. It was a messy picture, distorted by cracks and breaks, but it was also one they never thought they’d see, and it would never be enough to make them love him any less. 

“So, you’re basically… hiding in plain sight?” Minho asked, still a little shocked as he tried to wrap his head around the situation.

“It’s like your parents know that you’re here, but they also don’t?” Changbin added, eyes sympathetic but face contorted into slight confusion.

“Yeah, that’s basically it,” Felix nodded, “Honestly when the company first suggested it I didn’t understand it either, and my first instinct was to say no. But then they pointed out that I didn’t have anywhere else to go, so I decided to stay until I figured something else out.”

“And I’m guessing you never did figure that something else out?” Chan asked, eyes soft but studious, his head tilting at the way Felix was beginning to lean more into Jeongin. 

“No, I didn’t,” Felix admitted, blowing out a large breath that made Jeongin giggle as the air tickled against his neck, “At first I thought I would have to because they wanted me to be an intern and I knew there was no way I was going to be able to commit long term to that. But then one of the staff members found my cameras and asked to see my work. I guess they were impressed because next thing I know, I’m being asked to be a photographer.”

All sad faces turned to impressed at that particular revelation and Felix couldn’t help but notice how his heart swelled. The fact that Stray Kids were still proud of his achievements, still willing to accept him, meant the absolute world and Felix felt a lot less regretful about telling them than he thought he would. 

“So, you’re probably the youngest ever official photographer at any company, right?” Seungmin said, “I don’t like how you got there, but that’s got to be something to be proud of.”

Felix allowed himself to giggle at the words, ducking his head to hide his blush. The sound of soft laughter filled his ears as Jeongin looped a hand under Felix’s chin and pulled his face back up to where the group could see it. Felix just smiled and shook his head as he spoke once more.

“Well, I’m not the official photographer,” he said, “That would involve being public and obviously nothing I do here can really be public anymore, or at least publicly under my name considering they do publish a lot of my photos. But that’s okay, it’s not what I got into photography for.”

“It’s what you decided to be an idol for, though,” Minho pointed out, face unusually serious. 

“…I know,” Felix admitted, deflating a little as he thought about all the potential happy endings that had been lost, “But there are lots of reasons I committed to being an idol, publicity was only one of them. A lot of them, like enjoyment or interest, also apply when it comes to taking photos. Besides, I’ve already tried the idol route and it’s been proved loud and clear that it just can’t happen whilst my parents are still out there. So, as much as it sucks, I have to accept it.”

A sad smile graced Jeongin’s lips as he listened and his grip on Felix tightened a little as he finished speaking. Felix just turned to nuzzle the maknae’s neck, glad for a distraction to keep the flashbacks at bay. Jeongin seemed to sense this and moved to nestle closer to him and, before Felix knew it, Chan’s arms were around the both of them, and then so were Woojin’s, and then Jisung’s, and then Changbin’s, and then Felix lost count.

It was hot, cramped and uncomfortable having eight boys pressed up against you, and Felix was pretty sure his back was digging painfully into the chair, but he wouldn’t change any of it for the world. Feeling the arms wrapped around him, the love radiating from every single member of the group, was everything he’d ever wanted and he briefly wondered if this was another form of the true freedom he’d been chasing after his whole life. 

But there was one thing that still bothered him, one tiny little detail with devastating consequences. It prodded at his mind even as all the members let go and settled themselves down into a new, more easy-going conversation. He listened to their beautiful voices surrounding him, he watched their magnificent faces express their emotions as they talked, he felt how naturally they were able to make him relax just by being there, and he couldn’t help but feel guilty.

Guilty.

Guilty because he still hadn’t told them that one tiny little feature that had drastically affected all their lives. He hadn’t told them how he was supposed to debut, who he was supposed to debut with. He hadn’t told them that he was supposed to debut with them. He hadn’t told them that he was the ninth member whose rumours and myths had circulated their group since they’d formed.

It was why he’d never allowed himself to work with them. His parents knew who Stray Kids were and they knew that Felix was supposed to be one of them, so they were more likely to follow Stray Kids’ activities than the actual company’s. This meant that Felix had to keep his distance, had to make sure he was never associated with them. But it was so hard when they were so nice and welcoming that Felix felt inclined to join everything they did because, truthfully, he was one of them. 

But he couldn’t tell them that. He couldn’t tell them. It would break them, devastate them, hurt them, potentially cause divisions that they wouldn’t be able to close up, and damage the group in a way they wouldn’t be able to reverse, and Felix refused to be the cause of that. So, he kept his lips sealed. He refused to let the secret be known.

There might come a day that Stray Kids finally found that final missing puzzle piece to Felix’s life, the piece with the huge magnet stuck on it that simultaneously pulled Felix towards them and pushed him away. But today was not going to be that day, not if he had anything to do with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: stories of past verbal and physical abuse, nothing graphic but still discussed at length. Don't read if you're going to be upset, my writing isn't worth that I promise. Always stay healthy, happy and safe <3 xx
> 
> On a lighter note, this story has already reached 200 kudos and 70 subscribers, so I just want to say I am very thankful. I appreciate you guys so much.
> 
> I am still nervous but I really wanted to update, so I really hope this is okay and trust me when I say this story isn't over yet, something big is coming
> 
> Thank you for reading, remember to eat healthily and drink water today <3


	7. Home vs. Hell

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was what felt like home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all! Stray Kids got their first win today!!! I honestly cannot even put into words how proud of them I am. It's so crazy how hard they've worked and how far they've come and I'm such a proud stay rn.
> 
> Also, this might just be my favourite chapter of the story. Thank you for everyone who commented on my last post telling me not to be nervous about publishing, you've honestly helped me so much to the point that I'm actually quite excited to post today :)
> 
> The picture of Woojin that I describe in this is inspired by his Miroh teaser photo where he was crouched down in front of the big glass building and blue sky looking all kinds of beautiful. It's one of my favourite pictures and Lix is a photographer in this so I had to include it.
> 
> Enjoy! <3

It was only a matter of time before Felix fell asleep on top of his laptop.

It had been a week since he’d told everything to Stray Kids, and it’d been a hard week at that. Despite their busy schedules, he’d managed to see a few of the members a couple of times and had been delighted to see that their relationship hadn’t changed. But talking about what had happened to him, talking about his past, had triggered an intense rush of nightmares, flashbacks and panicked episodes. Thankfully, it had all started to die down a bit now, giving him a chance to start recovering from it all.

His sleeping schedule had become even messier than usual in all the chaos. So, when Felix came home to his apartment and opened his laptop to edit some of the photos he’d snapped over the last few days, it only took him five minutes to fall asleep with his head on the keyboard. 

It was his own fault really. He’d changed into an oversized black hoodie and his favourite light blue pyjama bottoms with polar bears on them, so he was extremely comfortable from the moment he settled down. And he’d decided to edit laying down on his stomach on the bed rather than at the kitchen table like he usually would, so it was only inevitable really that he’d fall asleep. When he thought about it, he should have realised he was doomed from the start.

But, at the same time, he knew it was good he was finally getting some sleep. The last few days had been rough, and he was glad the sudden onslaught of memories were starting to retreat back into the background of his mind. They were still there, they always would be, but he much preferred it when they weren’t taking every second to attack him.

He’d known talking about his past would bring it all painfully back to the forefront of his brain, but that didn’t mean he enjoyed it.

Luckily, his sleep didn’t last long enough to bring him a nightmare because he was jolted awake about an hour later by the sound of someone banging on the door. He blinked a few times in confusion before his sleepy brain finally caught up to the situation and he realised his laptop was dead in front of him and there was someone at the door.

He felt around for his phone, groggily checking the time to find it was early evening and that he was officially off-hours for work. His eyebrows scrunched together in confusion as he wondered who the hell would be knocking on his door. His managers weren’t allowed to call him in at this time and there was no one else who usually came to visit him.

Another loud knock banged its way through the apartment, this one sounding more insistent, and Felix jumped. He realised he should probably actually go and see who it was, or they’d just continue knocking and he’d never figure it out.

He pulled himself off his bed with a tired groan and dragged himself over to the door, not bothering to do anything about his messy hair, wrinkled pyjamas and face swollen with sleep. 

He was rubbing his eyes as he pulled the door handle down, looking upwards with half-closed lids as he opened the door. It swung towards him to reveal eight happy faces staring innocently at him.

For a second, Felix’s mind blanked, too fogged with sleep and blurred by surprise to process that his eight best friends were somehow standing outside his apartment.

“Hi Felix,” Hyunjin, who was stood at the front of the group, said with an amused smile, and Felix blinked for a couple of seconds before reality caught up to him.

“Oh my god… hi!” he said, hair bouncing against his forehead as he straightened up, “Sorry, I was asleep, come on in!”

He quickly stepped aside and pulled the door open wider, smiling as he watched them all trail in. They all waved or winked in greeting and Felix felt happiness wash over him. This was the first time he was seeing all eight of them since he’d told them about his past, and he couldn’t deny how much their mere presence was able to relax him.

“Sorry, you can just sit wherever,” he said, waving his hand around the room as he closed the door behind them, “I know it’s kinda small.”

Chan raised an eyebrow as he looked around. Felix definitely wasn’t lying. The room contained a tiny kitchenette, a dining room table with four rickety chairs and a bed with a built-in wardrobe surrounding it. There were numerous shelves placed on the walls, decorated with various trinkets, photo albums and random pieces of camera equipment that Felix owned. A tripod leant in the corner against the left wall, which had photos covering every inch of it. Photos all displaying beautiful nights, impressive views and whatever else Felix liked to photograph. Chan instantly recognised some of them from Felix’s photography account.

“It’s alright,” Chan said, taking a seat in one of the kitchen chairs as Minho settled next to him, the boy’s face pulled into an amused smirk.

“Nice pyjamas,” he said, eyes raking over the polar bears on Felix’s trousers as Felix blushed.

“Well, I’m sorry,” he said sarcastically, as he went over his bed to close the laptop and move it so more people could sit down, “I was having a lovely nap before you all knocked on my door.”

“A lovely nap on top of your laptop by the looks of things,” Seungmin said, leaning forward from his place on the bed to run a thumb over the three keys Felix had imprinted onto his cheek.

“Oh, whoops,” Felix smiled, crouching down to plug his laptop in and placing it gently on the bedside table, “I was trying to edit, but it didn’t really end well.”

He turned back round to find the group all looking at him with small but still identifiable looks of concern. Chan, Minho, Changbin and Woojin had all claimed kitchen chairs, whilst Hyunjin, Jisung and Seungmin were all settled on the bed and Jeongin had hopped onto the only available counter space of the kitchenette, legs swinging and banging lightly against the cupboard below him.

“Are you sure you’re alright with us barging in here?” Woojin asked softly, “If you’re tired, we can leave.”

“Yeah, it’s not a problem,” Chan added, “We probably shouldn’t have showed up uninvited, anyway.”

“No, don’t be stupid, hyung,” Felix waved them off, draping himself over the laps of the boys on the bed, ignoring the groans Jisung let out at apparently being squashed, “I like seeing you guys. It’s nice to know that you have a night off.”

“Well, we definitely don’t mind that bit,” Changbin said, “We were just on our way somewhere else, actually. Somewhere we always go when we all happen to have the night free and don’t have to be up early the next morning.”

“Oh?” Felix asked, eyebrows raised as he prompted Changbin to go on.

“Yeah,” Changbin said, fiddling with his hands that were placed on the kitchen table before looking up at Felix, “It probably doesn’t sound like much, but there’s a park about fifteen minutes away from here and at this time there won’t be any children left there. We usually go to just run around and scream at each other and enjoy being kids for a while.”

Felix listened intently, eyes widening at what sounded like absolute heaven. It was hard to explain, but when you worked such long and hard hours at such a young age, the world always seemed so much more daunting, so much more threatening. He could picture how relieving it would feel to go back to being a child again, to be able to enjoy the fresh air again. The wind blowing through your hair as you flew down a slide, the air whistling in your ears as you went higher and higher on a swing, the warmth that would fill your heart at having your friends around you, all smiling and laughing with joy. He couldn’t even comprehend how happy it would make him.

“It probably sounds kinda weird…” Seungmin said from next to Felix, watching as the boy’s face glazed over in what he thought to be confusion. 

“No, it’s not weird!” Felix was quick to snap himself out of it, looking up at Seungmin with wide, earnest eyes, “It actually sounds amazing. It’s been… it’s been a long time since I’ve been to a park.”

The mood in the room dropped at those words, everyone immediately remembering Felix’s hard childhood. An awkward silence began to fill the air and Felix winced. He’d gone and done it again. He’d said too much and made everyone sad.

“Sorry,” he said, swallowing heavy, “Didn’t mean to make things awkward. I wasn’t thinking.”

Almost offended expressions appeared on the groups’ faces and Felix winced again, worry filling his veins as he wondered what he’d managed to do wrong this time.

“You don’t have to apologise, Felix,” Woojin immediately said, pinning Felix with an intense stare that made his heart stutter in part surprise, part relief, “We wouldn’t want you to ever feel like you have to hold stuff back from us.”

“Besides,” Hyunjin’s voice cut in, the boy’s slender hand slowly making its way into Felix’s smaller one, “It’s good to know that you haven’t been to a park in a while, because it’s going to be even better when we take you now.”

“Wait,” Felix sat up, eyes wide and surprised, “You’re inviting me to come with you? On your night-off tradition?”

“Felix, of course we are!” Seungmin sounded offended that Felix would even dare to think differently, “We didn’t come here just to wake you up, flaunt this in your face and leave! Chan-hyung pointed out that your apartment was on the way and we all wanted you to come.”

“Wait… really?” Felix asked, getting undeniably excited at the thought of going to the park with the group.

“Of course,” Chan said endearingly, and Felix’s entire face lit up, the members all smiling widely at the sight. 

“You might want to get changed though first,” Minho said with a smirk, eyes once again dropping to Felix’s pyjama bottoms. 

“Stop going on about the pyjamas!” Felix said, face still bright and adorable even when he stuck his tongue out at Minho.

Jisung responded by shoving Felix off the bed, bursting out in laughter when Felix rolled off with a high-pitched yelp and landed in a heap on the floor. 

“You guys come into my apartment, wake me up, invade my space and throw me onto the floor!” Felix huffed as he rolled over onto his back, secretly enjoying the loud laughter surrounding him. He tickled Jisung’s foot which was hanging above him off the end of the bed and everyone cackled harder at Jisung’s screech. 

“Come on, Felix,” Jeongin said with a grin as he watched from the other side of the room, “You love us really.”

“Hmmm…. Maybe I do, just a little bit,” Felix replied as he pulled himself off the floor and over to his wardrobe, grabbing an oversized white sweatshirt with pink flowers decorated down the sleeves, light blue skinny jeans and a pair of old, worn shoes before trailing over to the bathroom to get changed.

“No one break anything,” he said, before disappearing behind the door, quickly replacing his pyjamas with the outfit he’d chosen. He had to stop a take a breath before he exited, still overwhelmed by all the excitement and happiness he was feeling that was such a direct contrast to the fear and panic he’d been experiencing all week. He knew he only had Stray Kids to thank for that, and he was infinitely grateful to be able to go out with them, even if he was exhausted.

He exited the bathroom to find the group chatting as he’d gotten changed. Chan was stood up by his photo wall, admiring all his work whilst Jisung had his head in the fridge, loudly telling the group what food Felix had to offer in case any of them were hungry. Felix raised his eyebrows at the action, meeting eyes with Changbin who was the only one who had noticed Felix coming out the bathroom and seemed to find the whole situation hilarious. 

“You know, Sungie?” Felix said with a lower voice than usual, making most of the group jump, “If you wanted snacks, you should have probably called ahead.”

“Oh my god, Felix!” Jisung exclaimed as he almost hit his head on the fridge door, “It’s not like you would have been awake to answer anyways.”

“I guess you’re right there,” Felix said with a grin, making his way over to his camera bag and picking it up to loop it round his neck, “Are we all ready?”

The group all sprung up at that, Seungmin making sure to smooth out the wrinkles he’d left on Felix’s bed and Woojin tucking in all the kitchen chairs that the boys abandoned in their haste to get to the door.

“Alright gang,” Chan grinned, “Let’s go.”

With that, they all piled out Felix’s apartment, numerous members getting stuck in the door when about five of them all tried to exit at the same time. Their loud giggles filled the hallway and Felix’s chest bloomed with warmth despite the noise complaints he knew he’d be getting later. 

Changbin pulled the door closed when everyone had gone and waited with Felix as he locked it, double-checking the handle to make sure it was definitely locked. Changbin didn’t comment on the action and merely held Felix’s hand and swung it between them as they rushed to catch up with the others. 

The walk to the park was simultaneously loud and exciting, but also calm and refreshing and Felix basked in the evening’s warm glow, delighted to find that it was golden hour. The sky shone a deep orange and illuminated each of the member’s glowing skin and bright eyes as they walked. Felix celebrated internally, he was going to be able to get some amazing photos. 

They all broke out into a run as the park came into view, giggling loudly and shoving each other as they all squeezed through the gate, ignoring the grumpy way in which it creaked at being pushed against by nine rowdy boys. 

Jeongin and Seungmin headed straight for the swings, throwing themselves on the seats and pushing off with their feet, squeals filling the air as they immediately used their strength to be able to get as high as possible. Felix didn’t know if he should laugh or have a heart attack at the way in which their swings almost swung around the bar at how high they got. 

Changbin, Hyunjin and Jisung all sprinted for the seesaw, Hyunjin’s long legs allowing him to get to one of the seats straight away whilst Changbin and Jisung started some weird kind of tug-of-war match for the other one. Eventually, Changbin shoved Jisung hard enough to get the younger boy to let go and took the opportunity to swing a leg over the seat, propelling himself into the air before Jisung even had time to pick himself up from the floor.

The sight almost had Felix collapsing with laughter, his giggles echoing around the park as he clapped. Jisung pouted at first but brightened when he saw how happy Felix was. He immediately ran over to his near-twin and swung an arm around his shoulders, the two wearing matching smiles bright enough to rival the Sun. 

Their attention was soon diverted by Minho lying himself down on the middle of the roundabout and starting to dose off, his legs resting on one of the handles and arms behind his head as he basked in the evening warmth. Jisung and Felix shared a look, not even having to talk to know what the other was thinking. 

They slowly crept over the roundabout, mischievous grins lining their faces as Felix carefully looped his hands around the handles on one side and Jisung did the same opposite him. They briefly made eye contact, mouthing the numbers “1…2…3” before both breaking into a sprint, taking the roundabout with him. 

Minho jolted awake, a panicked noise tumbling from his lips as he jumped and was tipped onto his stomach, limbs flailing and hands scrambling as he frantically tried to grip something. The roundabout stopped spinning immediately as Felix and Jisung both hit the floor, holding their stomachs with laughter. 

Tears gathered in their eyes as Minho sat up, messy hair only making them laugh harder as he narrowed his eyes at them. He looked at Jisung, then at Felix, then at Jisung again, seemingly trying to decide who he would go after first as a calm kind of menace radiated from him. Felix quickly calmed himself down, holding his hands up in surrender from his position on the floor, puppy eyes wide but still somehow asking for trouble as he blinked cutely up at Minho. 

Minho seemed to melt at that, throwing a dazzling smile Felix’s way before he swung around and marched over to Jisung. The boy immediately started trying to scramble away, one hand behind him on the floor trying to pull him away and the other extending a palm towards Minho.

“Wait… hyung, I’m sorry… Hyung, I didn’t mean it! It was Felix’s idea… no please!” he managed through his giggles, suddenly disappearing underneath Minho as the boy threw himself on top of him, loud cackles filling the air as he immediately began to tickle Jisung’s sides. Jisung squirmed and screamed like a child, hands weakly coming to claw at Minho’s chest in an attempt to get him to stop. But Minho was relentless, a smug grin appearing on his face as Jisung continued to squeal. 

“How’d you like that, huh?” Minho said, “You going to continue to annoy hyung, now?”

“N-No, I won’t, I-I promise!” Jisung managed to shout, weakly pushing at Minho’s shoulders as he wiggled, mouth pulled up at the corners and eyes watering with joy.

“Hmmm… I guess I’ll believe you,” Minho said smugly, letting his hands fall from Jisung’s sides as the boy sucked in a large breath, face red after being tickled so long.

Felix watched the whole thing from where he was still on the floor, clutching his stomach with laughter until it finally ended. He smiled widely as he rolled onto his back, savouring the complete and utter enjoyment he hadn’t experienced in a long, long time.

This was what he wanted in life. These were the people he had been chasing after before he’d even known them. These were the people who would love him and protect him and cherish him like his parents were never able to do. He may not officially be a member of Stray Kids, he may have lost all his opportunities when it came to being an idol, but at least he had still managed to build this friendship with them now. At least he finally felt like he belonged somewhere. 

This was what felt like home.

The thought sent euphoria soaring through Felix’s veins as it entered his mind and, in that moment he knew that if he hadn’t already been on the floor, it would have easily been strong enough to wipe him off his feet. Home didn’t have to be a place, it didn’t have to be a location, it could be whatever he wanted it to be. And Felix decided his home was here, with these people, and he wasn’t going to give it up for the world. 

He bit his lip as warmth encased him, flooding his every vein with bliss as he tried to avoid squealing with happiness. This is what he had suffered so long for. This is what he had spent forever fighting for. This was what he was going to cherish every second that he was alive.

He had found his family now, and he was never going to let them go.

His eyes gradually travelled over to Woojin and Chan and he smiled at the sight of them. The two parents, the two eldest members, the two responsible ones, were currently racing each other up a climbing frame and Felix couldn’t help but laugh. He carefully pulled out his camera, shuffling a little closer to them but not getting up off the floor so he could take some shots from below.

He started off with Chan. The leader was agile and strong and wormed his way up the climbing frame like a monkey, limbs extended and arms strong. Felix waited until he was reaching for a particular bar before taking the photo, grinning at how the sun illuminated Chan’s silhouette and made him look like Spiderman. His shoulders were broad and his eyes were determined and his hair fell perfectly in front of his face. It almost looked like they’d planned the shot, like Chan was modelling for Felix for some kind of movie poster or something.

The sound of the camera caused both climbing boys to stop, their heads whipping downwards to find Felix smiling sheepishly up at them, camera in hand. Chan just smiled endearingly at him, winking playfully as he shook his head, making Felix giggle.

Unfortunately, this meant Chan was no longer focused on the race and Woojin snapped up the opportunity, reaching up high and pulling himself above Chan, feet falling perfectly onto the right bars and propelling him upwards. 

Felix immediately turned his attention to him, prompting Chan to spin around and realise what had happened, a loud protest leaving his lips. Woojin just smirked down at him, holding eye contact as he grabbed onto the bar that would pull him up to the top. Chan whined and immediately scrambled upwards, but it was too late. Woojin didn’t even have to look as he swung himself onto the top platform, looking mighty and powerful as he stood on top of the world.

The camera focused as Felix tightened his grip on it, taking a deep breath because he knew he had to get this right. Woojin leaned down into a crouch, staring victoriously down at Chan as the sunset shone majestically behind him. Felix waited until his shoulders relaxed and arms came to rest nonchalantly against his legs before snapping the photo, capturing the very second that Woojin’s face broke out into a smirk. 

Felix squealed in delight, quickly pulling up the photo onto his screen and staring at it with an intense rush of pride. Woojin looked so powerful, so badass, so majestic, that it took his breath away. The Sun was burning intensely behind him and the sky was a chaotic mix of oranges, purples and blues, illuminating Woojin like a god. Felix had somehow gotten the lighting absolutely perfect and it complemented the angle so flawlessly that every inch of Woojin’s beauty was framed and displayed for the world to see. Felix couldn’t believe he had been able to take a photo so beautiful. 

The entire group immediately rushed over to him and demanded to see, both Chan and Woojin swinging down and landing either side of Felix with identical jumps. Felix stared at them impressed for a couple of seconds before the camera was pried gently from his fingertips and Felix almost had a heart attack as his most prized possession was taken from him.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust the group, it’s just his cameras were incredibly important to him. They, alongside dance, were his crutches in life, were what kept him from going completely insane and he couldn’t help but get a little antsy when the group started passing the camera around to look at the photos he had taken of Woojin and Chan.

Admittedly, he did swell with pride at how the group complimented his work, but he wasn’t able to fully relax until the camera was safely back in his hands. He was about to put it away when everyone started demanding he take photos of them too and since when had Felix ever been able to say no to them?

He took photos of Hyunjin on Minho’s back, both boys laughing wildly with messy hair and striking eye smiles. He took photos of Seungmin in laying the grass, the Sun beaming down on him and daisies intertwining gorgeously into his hair, making him look like a gorgeous summer fairy. He took photos of Changbin standing on a rock and doing aegyo, lips pushed out into a pout and eyes soft as he gushed into the camera. He took photos of Jisung and Jeongin sprawled together at the bottom of the slide, clinging together in absolute hysterics as they cackled at the fall that had gotten them there. 

Each photo was perfect in its own way, beautiful in its own context, and Felix couldn’t wait to print them all out. The other members got extremely excited, demanding Felix plug his camera into his computer they moment they get home, so he could send them all the photos. He couldn’t help but smile when they all shouted about how stays were going to love the new additions to the Stray Kids Instagram account. 

The final photo of the night was taken as the last remnants of sunset were fading into the night sky, the last hues of orange and pink slowly darkening into a deep blue. Felix set up the camera on a bench and set a timer before dashing over to where the group were positioned in the middle of the park. He promptly threw himself into Hyunjin’s arms, squishing their faces together and smiling brightly as they both held up peace signs. 

Despite Minho and Jisung falling over as they tried to recreate the iconic titanic pose, the photo turned out perfect, and Felix knew he was going to have to print out nine copies. They all looked so happy, so perfect, and Felix was so thankful to be able to share this moment with them.

The walk back was a lot quieter and calmer than the walk there had been. They were all tired and worn out, so it felt nice to just link arms and pull each other along, chatting contently as they walked.

Despite being exhausted, they wanted to stay together a little longer and so decided to head up to the rooftop above Felix’s apartment. Somewhere along the line, Chan had told the other members about it and they were all eager to see it. And this time Felix was proud to say he had no hesitations about whether he should share it with them, because them seeing it was exactly what he wanted.

The trek up the stairs was a long one, and Jeongin’s dramatics ended up with him on Chan’s back as the poor leader somehow dragged himself and the maknae up numerous flights of steps. He absolutely refused to carry Jeongin up the ladder, though, and Jeongin whined his entire way up, but went completely silent at the view that waited for him at the top.

Felix watched with a knowing smile as each member gazed over the city, the streetlights reflected perfectly in their eyes as their mouths opened in awe.

“This is amazing,” Seungmin managed to say, arms wrapped around himself against the cold. Felix walked over to him and smiled softly as he pulled Seungmin into a hug, huddling closer to the other members to keep them all warm.

“This is where some of the photos in your room are from,” Changbin pointed out, gaze diverting between the view and Felix like he wasn’t sure which was more beautiful, “How lucky is it that you, a photographer, ended up living here? So close to such a beautiful view?”

“I don’t know,” Felix admitted honestly as the group all sat down against the wall behind them, shoulders touching and arms all folded over each other, “At first I thought it was a curse being on the top floor, but then I found this place.”

“I can see why you love it so much,” Jisung said, a breath-taking smile gracing his lips as his eyes raked over every detail of the city, “You could spend hours taking photos up here and not get bored.”

“Well, Sungie,” Felix remarked light-heartedly, throwing Jisung an amused grin, “You won’t be surprised to find out that’s exactly what I do.”

Everyone snorted at that, and Felix giggled at the tongue Jisung poked out at him, savouring how wonderful it felt to have all his favourite people in his favourite place. The mixture of their welcoming presence and the city’s enticing beauty was enough to make him want to stay on that roof with them forever, surviving only on soft words and the crisp night air.

But, like most good things in life, that just wasn’t possible, and Felix was pulled out of his moment by Chan’s ‘leader voice’.

“Speaking of photos,” Chan said, “Lix, do you want to go upload the photos from today to your computer now? I know you’ll forget if we leave you to do it later and if you start now and come back up then it’ll be finished by the time we all leave.”

As much as Felix hated the idea of having to move, he had to admit Chan was right. So, he sighed heavily as he untangled his arms and legs from Seungmin and Changbin and moved to sit up, smiling thankfully when they both reached out to pass him his camera bag.

“Stay safe,” Jisung said as Felix was about to disappear around the corner, “Don’t fall down the ladder.”

“Seriously Ji?” Felix said with a raised eyebrow, “What could possibly happen to me when I’m just going downstairs?”

Jisung just shrugged and grinned, prompting Felix to roll his eyes endearingly as he approached the ladder. He climbed down as easily as he always did and started down the corridor with a content hum.

As bad as his week had been, he was so glad it got to end on such a good note. Felix had finally formed the bond with Stray Kids he’d always wanted to have. He’d finally found himself the happiness he’d been searching for his whole life, and he couldn’t help but feel extremely proud of himself. He had been the one who had been strong enough to do that. He had been strong enough to survive, and now he felt completely invincible because of it.

But, in the midst of it all, Felix had unfortunately forgotten the single most important detail in his life, the single thing he’d promised himself he would always remember. He’d forgotten that the happier he allowed himself to be, the more it would hurt when it was all ripped away from him.

This was exactly the lesson he re-learnt when he came down to find his apartment door ripped open and two horrifyingly familiar faces smiling at him from the other side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo..... that ending, huh?
> 
> I feel really mean ending it like that, but if you've read my story Sensing the Storm then you'll know I'm a sucker for cliffhangers… I'm sorry xx
> 
> The next update will most likely be on Sunday. Until then, stay safe and healthy ily <33


	8. Peace vs. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “They took you from me! They took everything from me!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Surpriiiiiiiiiise!!
> 
> So I know I said I would update on Sunday but you guys gave me such a positive response to the last chapter that I couldn't resist uploading early. Honestly you guys gave me so much love, I got a record number of comments AND reached over 100 subscribers on this fic, so I need you to know that I'm incredibly grateful. Some of you were so funny and some of you were so sweet and it warms my heart, so thank you so much <33
> 
> On a more serious note, this chapter is quite heavy so I am leaving a TW in the end notes again. Stay safe, guys xx
> 
> Enjoy! <3

Felix’s entire world burst into flames around him as he stared dead into the eyes of his parents.

His parents.

His parents were here.

His parents had found him.

He could physically feel his heart dropping down to his stomach and his blood freezing in his veins as he stumbled backwards, the world spinning sickeningly around him. Air clogged his throat, his chest stuttering and lungs constricting as he gasped, vision tilting and body recoiling as he just tried to process it.

…his parents, his parents, his parents…

They were here.

They were back.

They were going to hurt him.

They were going to take it all away again.

His entire body went numb as he watched his parents rake their eyes over him, a cold shiver slithering sickeningly down his spine at the sadistic looks on their faces as they sized him up like a predator would size up their prey. 

No.

…no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…

This couldn’t be happening.

They couldn’t be here.

He wouldn’t survive it.

It had been so long since he’d seen the evil in the curves of their smiles, the menace in the furrow of their brows, the cruelty in the pierces of their eyes. He thought he’d forgotten the looks they would throw him. He thought he’d blocked out the way he would cower under them. But now, it all hit him like a train as he realised he hadn’t forgotten anything at all, because his heart was pounding and his hands were shaking and he was more terrified than he ever had been in his life. 

Why were they here? Why did they choose now? He’d just gotten his life back. He’d just found the home he thought he’d never be able to have and now they were going to destroy every last inch of it. 

Why did they have to show up and rip it all away?

Why did they have to hurt him like this?

Felix’s vision whitened for a second as his father took a step towards him, face distorted into a sinister glare as Felix balked, his mind screaming at him to run, screaming at him to move, to fight, to yell, to anything!

But every inch of his skin was numb and every cell in his body was paralysed as his father continued to storm towards him, footsteps ominously loud against the cold wooden floor. A high-pitched noise began to buzz painfully in Felix’s ears, getting louder with every horrifying step his father took.

The menacing face was soon right next to Felix’s, sneering at him disturbingly before strong, intrusive arms wrapped forcefully around him from behind and started to drag him further into the room.

Felix choked, his feet temporarily lifting off the floor as he doubled over in his father’s arms, breaths wrangling their way out his throat like silent screams, twisting and writhing disgustingly through the air as the high-pitched noise in his ears reached deafening levels.

He felt his father’s arms tighten their grip on him and he watched horrified as the room contorted and knotted around him, bringing him slowly towards his mother as he gagged out mangled pleas of ‘No! Please no!’

His stomach struggled and churned as he hacked around the oxygen failing to make its way down his throat, his entire being becoming nothing but cold, hard fear.

The floor collided roughly against him as he was tossed in front of his mother’s feet like a criminal being tossed to an executioner. She stared at him like he was nothing more than a piece of meat and Felix looked up with wide, terrified eyes, the memories cutting him open and dissecting him like a blunt butcher’s knife. This scene was all too familiar; he felt like a child again, he felt like a kid again. He felt like the scared, young boy that would hide under his covers to escape the shouting. He felt so vulnerable that his entire world shattered at the horror of it.

His mother’s eyes bored into him like needles, pinning him to the floor and silently daring him to move, daring him to move just so he would find out what would happen.

But Felix had played this game before, he knew how it all worked. He knew that figuring out what the other person wanted, figuring out what they could do and when they would do it, could be the difference between just a few bruises and array of broken bones. He had to stay still. He had to conform to them or they would tear him to pieces and leave him broken with no chance of being put back together.

“Hello Felix,” his mother’s cold, steel voice sliced cleanly through the air, sending chills slinking through every inch of Felix’s body as he flinched harshly. A spark of nauseating enjoyment flickered in her eyes at the reaction and Felix had to swallow back the bile in his throat as she took pleasure in his pain.

Her boots echoed ominously against the floor as she took a step closer to Felix, his eyes dropping immediately down to her feet as he tried to process the terrifying fact that she was coming closer. His fingernails started to claw jaggedly against the floor, his cheek pressing against the rough wood underneath him as his head dropped and entire body jolted with the panicked force of his breaths. The bones in his back rippled and deformed as he curled up on his stomach, body unable to function properly with the pure, unadulterated terror thrashing through his blood.

This couldn’t be happening.

They couldn’t be here.

They couldn’t have found him.

But they had, and that fact was made especially clear to Felix when his mother slowly crouched down in front of him, his heart faltering as her cruel face leaned down towards his. 

“Imagine our surprise,” her eyes raked gleefully over his face as she spoke, joyfully taking in all the fear twisting against his features, “When we monitored Stray Kids latest activities to find that their new photographer looked awfully familiar.”

The entire world tilted on its axis as Felix gasped. They’d been watching Stray Kids this whole time. They’d known that’s who he was supposed to debut with and they were making sure he never got a chance to access that happiness again. They’d known that’s who he would run to and so they’d known it was the perfect place to look for him. 

He should have known. 

He should have said something. 

He should have stopped it. 

He never should have worked with Stray Kids. He never should have put this danger on them. He never should have put this danger on himself. Now his parents were here and he honestly wasn’t sure of his ability to take both another physical and mental beating. He wasn’t sure he’d survive it this time.

“You,” he forced the word out through gritted teeth, staring up at his mother with petrified eyes, “You’ve been watching me this whole time?”

“Oh, Felix,” she said sweetly, looking at him like he was nothing more than a child as she slowly reached her fingers down to brush against Felix’s cheek. Felix jolted away, heart racing, and her eyes darkened dangerously, “We haven’t been watching you. We’ve been watching Stray Kids, we knew they’d lead us to you.”

The words sent blood roaring through Felix’s ears. This was all his fault. He was the one who had been stupid enough to stay in the company. He was the one stupid enough to not get as far away as he could. He was the one stupid enough to say yes to working with the people his parents would always associate him with. And now he was the one who was going to pay for it all.

After all, the letter that had been sent to his parents that one fateful day had the details of the entire group on it, had every detail of every beautiful person he was supposed to be debuting with. It was always inevitable that his parents would have known where to find him. 

“You ran away from us, Felix,” his father’s voice sounded through the room for the first time, low and threatening in a tone that was practically a growl, so similar yet so different to the low voice Felix spoke with, “You ran away from us like it was an okay thing for you to do.”

“I’m sorry!” Felix sobbed the apology like he had never meant anything more sincerely in his life. In reality, he didn’t mean it at all. He wouldn’t ever be sorry for running away from them, but he didn’t know how to do anything other than conform to them. It was so ingrained in his head to never stand up, to never disagree, to never fight back, to never ever make them angry, that he couldn’t help but apologise for one of the best decisions he’d ever made.

“Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time, Felix,” his mother said ‘this time’ like sorry had ever cut it for them. It never had, but this time his mother’s voice was deadlier than usual, suffocating him like a claw tightening around his throat as anger loomed over her features. Every last bit of oxygen left Felix’s body. He knew that look.

He knew that look, and it meant pain.

Felix gasped as a hand grasped his collar, jolting him up to his knees like he was nothing more than a ragdoll. His heart jack-hammered in his chest as he knelt in front of his mother. This was it. The time was now. This was the moment they would break him. 

He barely even saw the sharp slap that met his cheek, but he definitely felt it. It had him doubling over, throat choking against a vile mixture of shock, terror and pain. 

There was hardly anytime to react before a hand in his hair straightened him back up. Felix whimpered at the familiar pull on the strands, squirming uncomfortably as burning pain spread along his scalp.

“Did you really think that you’d be able to hide from us?” his father snarled, hand twisting in Felix’s hair, only tightening even more painfully when Felix yelped, “Did you really think that we were that stupid that we wouldn’t find you?”

At the word ‘stupid’, he spit in Felix’s face. Felix tried to duck his head away, disgust snaking against his skin as the liquid landed on his cheek. His father’s hand forcefully jolted him back up, a silent warning that it would only get worse if Felix tried to dodge away again. 

Felix got the message loud and clear. He had to conform. He had to submit. He was nothing more than a toy in his parent’s eyes, and he had to let them play or they would break him.

“Answer me!” his dad screamed and Felix’s entire world went black for a second as a fist connected with his eye. His head smacked against the floor as he reeled down towards it and pain exploded in his face, his ears starting to ring. 

“No!” he sobbed the word around strained breaths, wounded eye immediately beginning to swell and water to create an ugly, deformed injury, “I don’t think you’re stupid! I don’t!”

The words felt like knives in his throat, like painful lies against his chest, but that didn’t stop him from saying them. He didn’t want them to hurt him anymore. He didn’t want them to break him more than they already had. 

But it was too late now, and he knew that. This was the longest he had ever been away from them and so today it was going to be worse than it ever had been before. It was going to be a true test of whether he was going to be able to survive it anymore.

“I’m sorry Felix, but actions speak louder than words,” his mother said, her words stabbing into Felix, filling him to the brim with dread. She sounded like she was ready to kill, and he would always be the victim, “And your actions say that you think we’re stupid, and we obviously can’t allow that.”

Each of her syllables was punctuated by a verbal blow, all of them hitting a different one of Felix’s nerves, sending a whole array of pain flooding through each individual cell in his body. The fear was clawing against his skin like a wild animal, cutting him open and leaving him exposed to for the world to hack at and tear apart. 

She took a step closer to him and he flinched, expecting a blow or a kick, body curling further into himself as he tried to prepare for the pain. But it never came, and he looked up in surprise when she strode past him, heading closer to the doorway.

For a second, for one tiny second, Felix allowed himself to get his hopes up, allowed himself to think maybe he would get out of this somewhat unscathed. But as per usual, his hopes were sliced cleanly with a dagger as his mother paused mere inches from the doorway, turning to look at Felix. She kept her eyes trained directly on him as she leaned down and picked something up from the floor, her expression conveying nothing but a desire to hurt her only son. Felix swallowed at the sight, anticipation filling him as he tried to look at what was she was holding.

He expected something that would physically hurt him, something that would bruise and cut and burn him. What he didn’t expect was his mother to walk back over to him carrying the camera bag that had slipped out of his hand.

His heart stopped.

She couldn’t.

She wouldn’t.

No.

Felix had learnt to take the beatings. He’d learnt to take the shouting. He’d learnt to take the pain. But his cameras were his lifeline, the only permanent thing in his life, the only thing that brought him peace. And the pictures of Stray Kids were on that camera, the stunning pictures he’d taken at the park, the group shot he’d gotten of them all. He’d couldn’t lose them. Those photos were everything to him and that camera was his crutch. He couldn’t lose them.

She couldn’t.

She wouldn’t.

But she could.

And she would.

“We lose you, then you lose this,” his mother drew the words out threateningly, a sinister kind of evil sparking in her eyes. She was enjoying this. She was enjoying every second, and Felix wanted to tear himself apart at the thought.

A zipping sound rang through the air as she slowly began to open the camera bag, her slender fingers pulling the camera out and turning it over in her hand. Felix watched utterly frozen, unable to move at the thought of losing what he’d spent so much money on, losing what he’d taken so much comfort from, losing what had brought him so much joy since the moment he’d had it. 

His eyes locked dangerously with him mother’s and, in that moment, he knew. He knew she was going to do it. She was going to destroy his lifeline. She was going to destroy his dreams. She was going to destroy it all right in front of him. 

“No, please!” the shout twisted and mangled its way out of his throat as he clawed upwards, but it wasn’t enough. It would never have been enough. His entire world zeroed in on his mother as she drew her hand back, her arm forming a majestic arch, and threw the camera against the wall.

It hit with a devastating smash. 

Everything started to go in slow motion and Felix watched hysterically as every last piece of his precious camera collided with the wall, as every last piece cracked to bits, as every last piece ripped apart and kamikazed to the floor, landing in a pile of broken parts and shattered glass.

Broken and shattered.

Just like Felix.

A scream started building in his chest, so intensely it drew him to his feet. The sound started in his lungs, crawled its way up his throat and forced itself out of his mouth, sounding so animalistic, so feral with his deep voice that Felix couldn’t believe it had come from him. 

His feet took him in the direction of his mother, trying to charge towards her with a lethal kind of fury that he had never felt before. His entire being became anger, focusing on nothing but the woman who had taken everything from him, who had done nothing but hurt him, who had broken and ruined him in ways he couldn’t comprehend. But he was downed by another punch, this one to his jaw, and the anger was replaced by pure, unfiltered agony. 

Another feral scream tore its way out of his mouth, shaking him to the core as the pain roared through his face and all the way down his neck. His bones grinded against each other, distorting and hurting him like he was nothing more than a puppet, nothing more than a toy who could be used and then thrown away. 

His camera. His precious camera. His precious camera was lying in bits on the floor and Felix couldn’t help but feel like his heart was in bits along with it. His parents were different this time; they’d had more time to plan, more anger to channel, more vengeance to enact, and they were hitting him where it hurt.

Another scream tore out of him like a flare soaring into the sky and exploding into a desperate cry for help. His father’s posture tensed at the sound, the man clearly wanting to hit Felix again. But that wouldn’t have hurt, wouldn’t have hurt nearly as much as the brutal ripping Felix fe;t in his chest when his mother slowly walked over to the broken camera and started to leaf her fingers through all the jagged parts, eventually clasping onto the memory card lying in the middle of it all and holding it victoriously in front of her face. 

Felix held his breath as she twisted it around a couple of times, a wicked smile appearing on her face as she locked eyes with Felix. He silently begged her to please listen to him, to please not take it away. But she only looked more enamoured by Felix’s pleas, refusing to tear her smug face from his as she made a show of putting the memory card in her pocket. 

Fire roared in Felix’s ears.

This was a lesson. This was his mother’s way of saying he was no longer allowed his happy memories, he was no longer allowed relief or enjoyment, he was no longer allowed to access the life he had built himself so far away from them.

It may have only seemed like she was stealing a memory card, but it was so much more than that. It was her way of claiming him back, her way of stripping him of his identity, her way of showing him that he no longer had the freedom he had fought so damn hard for. 

Felix’s entire body began to vibrate as the familiar suffocation began to choke him. His parents were going to take him again, were going to force him back into the life he had given up everything to get away from, were going to make him into that hopeless, scared child again. He couldn’t live like that anymore. He couldn’t take the oppression, the pain, the dehumanisation. He couldn’t do it anymore.

But there wasn’t a choice. The familiar burning of fists was crackling on his face, the recognisable ache of pressing himself against a wooden floor was coating him and the constant fear he felt under his parents’ ruthless gazes was stronger than ever. This was everything he’d ever had, everything he’d ever known, and he didn’t know how to break the chains his parents had sealed him in.

“You brought this upon yourself, Felix,” his mother’s voice cut through him like steel, and anger sizzled hot inside him at the words, anger that he wasn’t brave enough to act on.

“We have to do this,” his father said, and Felix squeezed his eyes shut, tears streaming down his face as he shook his head because no, they didn’t have to do this, they didn’t have hurt him.

But they did.

They always did.

His mother took a step towards Felix’s other camera, which was resting next to his laptop on his bedside table, and Felix felt his entire world beginning to shake as he screamed once more.

“No!” the yell practically shredded his vocal chords as it thrashed its way from his lips, sending unimaginable sparks of agony rippling through his bruised jaw as his mouth tore itself open in absolute distress. 

But Felix ignored the pain, he ignored the pain like he had never been able to before, because his mother was going to break his other camera and no, no, no that couldn’t happen! He had already lost one today and it was already too much for him to bear. He couldn’t lose the other one.

His mother’s every step felt like a knife in Felix’s chest as she continued to make her way towards the bedside table. Felix scrambled upwards with a desperate yell, all thoughts of restraint, all thoughts of fear, all thoughts of everything she had ingrained into his head going out the window as he determinedly charged towards her. He had to stop her. He had to protect his life. He had to protect what was rightfully his. 

His sanity couldn’t take another hit today.

Two steps. Two steps was all he made it before his father was surrounding him, strong arms jerking him backwards and engulfing him as he screamed and thrashed and yelled in their grip, his world becoming blurred and confusing as all his emotions melded into one, threatening to explode from him like a bullet from a gun.

“Stop!” he screeched the word so loud it practically shook the building, his throat red-hot with pain. His father’s arms tightened dangerously around him in momentary panic because there was no way no one else had heard that. But Felix didn’t care, he didn’t care because his second camera was about to be destroyed and he was willing to do anything to stop that from happening, “Stop please!”

His mother immediately sped up her actions, a flicker of a fleeting something passing through her eyes as she seemed taken aback by Felix’s outburst. Never had he ever fought back like this in his life, never had he even considered it possible. It definitely wasn’t going to end well for him if the bruising grip his father had on him was anything to go by, but that wasn’t where his focus was right now. His focus had been completely diverted by the fact his mother had reached his bedside table and her arm was extending down towards the camera. 

“No!” Felix screamed, hysterically trying to claw at his father’s hands, the tears streaming down his face and dripping onto his neck, sweat coating his forehand and bruises gruesomely beginning to form onto his skin. His throat felt like it had been hacked at by a kitchen knife as the yelling scratched viciously at his vocal chords, but he didn’t stop. He continued to scream, he continued to beg, he continued to cry for them to just leave him alone.

But since when had they ever listened to him?

Felix watched with blurry, distorted vision as his mother raised the camera above her head, arms strong and unyielding. He tried to cry out again, but it was useless. Useless against the terrifying determination set on her face, useless against the way she swung the camera down and smashed it vehemently against the sharp edge of the bedside table. 

The camera shattered… and Felix’s world shattered along with it.

The sobs exploded from him like blood bubbling out his chest and choking him. It brought him to his knees, legs buckling and arms limp as his father dropped him carelessly to the floor, leaving him to fall apart and scatter like the pieces of broken glass spread along the floor, the pieces of his heart he would never get back. 

He cried and cried and cried. His vision became nothing but tears. His heart became nothing but pain. His world became nothing but loss. They’d really done it now. His parents had really taken everything, had really stripped of all that he was, had really taken away the last lifeline that would keep him above the surface. 

He’d been completely dragged under now, and it was only a matter of time before he drowned.

It became so hard to breathe around the sobs, so hard to breathe around the complete and utter sadness smothering him like fire. Pain sizzled brutally in every nerve ending of Felix’s body, roaring along his skin like an inferno and destroying all that it touched. He was watching his world burn, and it was breaking him slowly from the inside out. 

His father’s hand came down to grab his shoulder, probably trying to move Felix so they could get out of there, but Felix screamed and flinched away, burying his head in his arms as he curled up on the floor, sleeves immediately being soaked by tears, sweat and spit. His hair was plastered to his forehead, almost as messy as the thoughts storming through his mind.

Another hand landed on his shoulder, more insistent than before, but this time Felix’s yell was overpowered by someone else’s.

“FELIX!” the shout rang through the hallway outside his apartment and he instantly recognised it to come from Stray Kids. There was barely any time to process it before suddenly there was the sound of a whole multitude of footsteps storming their way towards his door.

Felix whipped his head up, body still racking brutally with sobs as he watched his parents lock eyes, the two of them standing so still for half a second before bolting out the door like lightning. 

His father slammed the door open and literally ran straight into Minho, knocking the boy flat on his back as he tripped over him and landed hard on the floor. Minho spluttered, panic instantly invading his face as Felix’s mother barely stopped herself from landing on top of them before sprinting past and literally running into the arms of Chan who was seconds behind Minho and caught her before she could get away. 

“Let me go! Get off of me!” his mother shrieked, frantically struggling in Chan’s arms and clawing against his hands, her hair flying into every direction and body flinging itself back and forth as she tried to escape. Chan’s grip almost broke at her scratching, but Woojin was by his side in a flash, wrapping his arms around the hysterical woman and helping to keep her in place. 

Felix’s father didn’t even look back before getting up to sprint away, but Minho grabbed onto his ankle and the man tripped once more, curses spewing from his lips as he tried to kick against Minho’s relentless grip. Chan, Woojin and Changbin may have been the strong ones in the group, but Minho was a dancer and had spent years doing partner work that required a steady hand and a firm fist, he knew how to keep someone in place when he needed to.

Horror scorched Felix’s skin as he watched the scene. The group was going up against his parents.

The group was trying to stop them.

The group was going to get hurt because of him. 

A plea for them to stop wrenched its way out his lips, but his throat was so mangled and his breathing was so messed up and his brain was so twisted that the words came out a jumbled mess, and he seriously doubted he’d even said them in the right language anyway. 

He watched as Seungmin and Changbin shouldered their way past the commotion in the corridor and practically fell into the doorway to Felix’s apartment, looking crazed and panicked in a way that Felix had never seen them before. Their eyes immediately landed on Felix’s crumpled form and complete and utter devastation fell onto their faces before they sprinted over and dropped to their knees next to him.

Felix sobbed helplessly as Changbin gathered him into his arms and pulled him against his chest, Seungmin rubbing his back and stroking his hair and gently shushing Felix in a way that could barely be heard over how loud Felix was begging for it all to stop, begging for it all to be okay, begging for no one else to get hurt. 

“Lix, what’s going on?!” Changbin sounded panicked, and Felix could feel his fast breaths against his face. But he couldn’t answer, he couldn’t answer around the sobs and cries and desperate begs clawing around in his throat, rushing out of him like blood rushing out of a wound. 

He struggled in Changbin’s arms, desperate to put a stop to it, to prevent his members from falling into the same awful fate he had fallen into, but Changbin only tightened his grip and Seungmin’s hands began to squeeze his shoulders, half in an attempt to comfort him and half to keep him in place.

“Please!” the word practically strangled Felix as he sobbed it. Please what? Please don’t hurt him anymore? Please let him be happy? Please let the other members be okay? Felix had so many things to beg for, so much he was terrified of, and it was slowly shattering every last inch of him. 

A cry of pain sent a spark of electricity jolting through Felix’s heart, and all three of them whipped their heads up to see Minho cradling his arm to his chest and Felix’s father sprinting down the stairs. 

Felix’s heart dropped.

He’d done this.

He’d caused this.

He’d ignored every lesson he’d ever been taught, every precaution he’d ever had to take, every instinct he’d ever had, and as a result he’d brought pain down on the only people he had left.

“I’m sorry!” he clawed at Changbin’s t-shirt as he cried the apology, tears practically drowning him as Changbin frantically shook his head, pulling Felix closer as Seungmin brushed the bangs out of his eyes. Why were they comforting him? Why were they still here when all he’d done was hurt them?

They were all distracted by Minho trying to get up, Felix whimpering and thrashing as it looked like Minho was about to make chase after his father. But then Hyunjin appeared out of nowhere and threw himself on top of the boy, keeping him down and shaking his head, wrapping one hand around Minho’s injured one as the sound of Felix’s father’s footsteps faded away. 

By this point, Felix’s mother was hysterical. She screamed and struggled and hissed, cursing them all as Chan and Woojin managed to wrangle her against the wall and keep her pinned. Her eyes were blazing with crazy and Jisung and Jeongin looked terrified as Chan gestured for them to walk past, towards the room Felix was still screaming in. 

Jisung had a phone against his ear and he shook as he spoke into it, listing off Felix’s address. His mother noticed just as Jisung disappeared through Felix’s door and her anger promptly changed to terror. The idea of the police showing up and catching her fuelled her movements further as she continued to struggle and fight, desperate to escape.

“Get off me!” her shrieks reached deafening levels as she clawed against Chan and Woojin, “Let me go!”

Felix began to choke as he listened to her. This was how she’d sounded when she fought with his father. This was how she’d sounded all the times she’d thrown him to the floor and rained down on top of him. This was how she’d sounded when all her misplaced anger, all the evil in her heart, all the fury blazing through her blood, would be taken out on Felix.

A strangled cry left Felix at the thought, racking his entire frame as he writhed. The sound travelled all the way out the door and into the corridor and Chan, Woojin and Felix’s mother all whipped up as they heard it. Chan and Woojin looked worried, but then Felix’s eyes unluckily managed to lock with his mother’s and the entire world faded away around him as he watched one truly fateful idea work its way into her brain. 

Her face lit up with sadistic glee and Felix shook his head, breaths wheezing in and out of him like fire as he stared at her, silently begging her not to do it, not to say it, not to ruin him like this.

Chan and Woojin grew more worried at Felix’s increasingly frantic expressions and Felix’s mother smiled as she noticed them. Their grips had loosened ever so slightly, not enough to allow her to escape, but enough that she knew that she could easily change that. Felix watched the plan formulate itself in her mind and he screamed through gritted teeth, denial racing through him like a disease in his blood. 

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

“Please!” the word was more distraught this time as he sobbed it but, once again, he couldn’t tell what he was begging for. All he knew was that he wanted it to end. He wanted all of it to end. 

It was becoming increasingly obvious that Chan and Woojin were mere seconds away from dropping everything and running to Felix. This played right into the hands of his mother and her eyes lit up with evil as she opened her mouth to speak.

“You know,” she said the words so casually, so normally, like she wasn’t sending chills down every single one of their spines as Chan and Woojin whipped round to look at her, “You should go take care of him.”

She nodded towards Felix with that, her face breaking into a grin as she watched Changbin and Seungmin practically forcing him to stay down. They tightened their grips as she looked at them, fierce protectiveness over Felix roaring through their blood. But their rigid positions, their firm grips were no match for how unprepared they were for what she said next, no match for the revelation that left through a sadistic smile as Felix heard the words he never, ever wanted to hear being said out loud.

“He was your ninth member after all.”

The words left her like ice, infecting the room with a brutal chill as every member froze.

It only lasted a second.

But a second was enough.

Chan and Woojin’s mouths fell open and their eyes widened and their grips loosened that extra little bit more and that was all it took. Felix’s mother knocked them both back and darted out from in between them, her cackles following her down the stairs as she made her escape. No one moved, they just stared at her as she ran, entire bodies frozen with shock.

Felix couldn’t breathe.

She had gotten away.

She had gotten away and taken his last chance at happiness with her.

Changbin’s grip on Felix had gone completely slack and Felix slipped out of his grasp, head and back smacking against the floor as he fell, feeling like he was being plunged underwater as his skin crawled with absolute terror and his brain completely fogged over.

They knew.

They knew now.

They knew now and they were going to hate him. 

The sobs hit Felix like a train. He curled up on the floor, grabbing his head with his hands and pulling harshly on his hair, scrambling for some kind of relief as sounds of absolute agony left his mouth, his whole body being vehemently jolted with the force of it. Tears were all over his face, leaking into his mouth, crawling down his neck, staining his t-shirt and soaking the floor underneath him as he cried away every last drop of liquid in his body. 

He’d fought so hard to get away from them, so hard to keep himself and the group safe, so hard to make sure everything stayed precariously in its place, and his parents had gone and undone it all in the space of minutes. His parents had gone and revealed the most sacred secret that he had always sworn to keep hidden away.

It was really over this time. The group was going to fall apart and the company was going to kick him out and his parents would find him again and he’d be dragged kicking and screaming back into the life he’d only ever wanted to get away from, into the life he hated with every fibre of his being, into the life that was going to kill him.

Air left him in silent screams and gasps, his lungs tightening as they cried out for oxygen, oxygen he couldn’t provide around the unfiltered devastation clogging up his throat. His entire being racked with the force of it and he curled up tighter as he wished, prayed, begged that he could just disappear.

“…Lix! Felix!” the cry somehow managed to pound against Felix’s wall of emotion, sounding so panicked, so worried, that Felix flinched at the sound of it. 

A hand tangled in his hair and he sobbed harder, waiting for the pain, for the abuse that would follow, but the hand turned out to be gentle and it carded softly through his locks and Felix’s brain completely short-circuited, unused to comfort that followed the pain. 

“Felix, it’s okay,” the words were soft, so soft, and Felix hated himself for hearing them, hated himself for wanting to believe them. He’d ruined everything. He’d ruined everything and now all that was left was pain.

“No, it’s not okay!” he sobbed, throat burning against what he said next, “They took you from me! They took everything from me!”

The words ripped him apart from the inside, stabbing directly into the hearts of all the members surrounding him.

“Felix, I’m sorry. You’re safe now though, okay? We’ve got you, you’re safe.”

Felix wanted to believe the words. He wanted to believe them so bad. But he couldn’t. Not with the way his heart was pounding, not with the way he flinched at every touch, not with the way his parents had been able to find him right here in his apartment, right underneath his safe space. 

But despite his crying, despite his begging, despite Felix feeling so undeserving of them, the words carried on.

“Felix, please breathe. I need you to breathe for me. Come on, I know you can do it, you’re doing so well.”

The voice was different this time, but it used the same loving tone Felix felt himself melting at.

“You can do this, Felix.”

It was so different to the cruel words and flinching volumes he was used to and he found it spreading warmth throughout his body, making it that much easier for him to breathe. What was going on? What was happening? Why were they still comforting him?

“You’re safe now. You’re completely safe, we’re not going to let anything bad happen to you.”

The burning feeling on his skin slowly cooled down to reveal there were numerous hands holding him, rubbing soothing circles softly onto him, laying out a pleasant rhythm he could breathe in time to. The touches grew softer as his body gradually became less rigid and, for the first time ever, he allowed it to comfort him. He allowed himself to listen to the kind words, to respond to how they were squeezing his hand, to enjoy how much calm it was bringing him. 

“We’re all here for you, Lix. We’re all right here.”

The sobs gradually slowed down, being replaced by heavy, deep breaths that hurt his chest but also helped him to relax properly into the floor, limbs going completely limp in exhaustion. He briefly registered gentle hands slowly moving to hold his shoulders, staying in place for a couple of seconds to check he wouldn’t object before pulling him onto their lap, cushioning his head lightly against their stomach. 

Warmth soaked through Felix’s skin at the action, and he managed a shaky sigh as another hand landed on his bicep, rubbing along it gently. Felix gathered up the strength to lift his own hand and place it on top of theirs, lacing their fingers together and allowing the comfort to seep into his veins. He heard several sighs of relief at the action and it flattered him more than he was willing to admit.

Now that the fire was no longer roaring in his brain, he could register how much clearer the world was when he was surrounded by Stray Kids. He’d expected them to run when he came at them with his brutal past, expected them to turn away when it had all come crawling back to bite him. But they were still here with him now when he needed them the most, and he couldn’t lie about how much better that made him feel. 

“Felix,” the name was whispered from above him, a hesitant finger slowly coming down to brush the stray hairs from his forehead, “Lix, can you open your eyes for me?”

It was a simple request, but Felix found it extremely difficult. Not only was he completely exhausted, but he also didn’t quite know if he was ready to face the real world quite yet. In this darkness he had cloaked himself in there were no smashed cameras, no concerned faces and no tiny apartment he was going to have to abandon. There were only soft touches, whispered encouragement and a blanket of comfort; something Felix didn’t know if he was ready to let go of yet.

“Come on, Lixie,” the soothing voice carried on a little louder this time, Felix instantly recognising it to be Woojin, “We just want to know you’re okay.”

The admittance was so gentle, so encouraging, that Felix couldn’t say no. He turned over and buried his head in Woojin’s lap, slowly allowing his eyes to open as the light gradually filtered in. It stung a little at first, especially considering one of his eyes only opened halfway as a result of how much it had swollen, but he quickly blinked a couple of times as he waited for it to pass. 

Someone rubbed his scalp the whole time in an act of gentle prompting, Felix melting at how it not only brought him comfort, but also soothed the pain still there from his hair being brutally tugged on a few minutes ago.

He was eventually able to pull his head out of Woojin’s lap and he looked up to meet the elder’s kind eyes, not missing the confusing mixture of concern and relief swirling within them.

“Hyung,” the word sounded so desperate as Felix said it, silently begging for Woojin to reassure him that he was there, that it was all going to be okay.

“Hey, Felix,” Woojin smiled down at him endearingly, thumb coming to slowly brush over the purpling bruise on Felix’s jaw, “You’re safe now.”

The world gradually started to fade away as Felix gazed up at Woojin, losing himself in the kindness shimmering in the older boy’s eyes. The rest of the group shuffled closer and Felix drew from them the comfort he required. His body was slowly starting to shut down, pulse dropping, vision darkening and limbs slacking as the tug of unconsciousness started to pull on him. 

He would have rejected it, would have tried to fight back against being unconscious in a vulnerable state, but he didn’t. 

He wasn’t vulnerable anymore… he was safe.

The entire group were holding him, reassuring him that they were there for him even after seeing the uglier part of his life, even after finding out that he could have played a much larger role in theirs. He could still feel the shock radiating off them from the revelation that he was the heavily rumoured ninth member, but they didn’t seem to be letting it affect them as Felix snuggled further into Woojin’s hold, Chan’s hand squeezing harder against his and Hyunjin’s fingers in his hair continuing to rub soothing circles. 

“Th-thank you,” Felix was barely conscious as he managed to stutter the words out, eyes drooping and head starting to loll. His vision was just starting to fade, but not so much that Felix didn’t catch the soft, warm smiles that graced the faces of the members around him.

“Don’t thank us, Lixie,” Chan whispered, leaning down so he was face-to-face with Felix, carefully cupping the boy’s face, “We’re just glad you’re safe.”

“G-glad you’re safe t-too,” Felix really was starting to fall asleep now, words slurring as they tumbled out his lips. That didn’t make him any less understandable to the group though, and they all softened as Felix’s breaths started to even out.

“Go to sleep, Felix,” Chan whispered, slowly rubbing his thumb over Felix’s cheek as the blare of police sirens started to sound outside, “We’ll be right with you when you wake up.”

So, Felix did, he fell asleep with the knowledge that no matter what happened, his group would always be there protect him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: parental physical abuse, spitting, ptsd elements, threats, parents destroying a child's precious possession, panic attacks. Be careful guys, I promise my writing is not worth upsetting yourself over.
> 
> Hope that was okay <3
> 
> I actually need some advice on my next chapter. I have about 8k words written (unedited and unfinished) and my original plan was to upload it as the full 8k words, but there's a really awkward time skip in the middle and, if I'm being completely honest, the first 3k words work so much better on their own. Would you like me to split it into a 3k and a 5k chapter? I think that's what's best for my writing, but I feel like a 3k chapter is too short and unsatisfactory for you guys. What do you think? Would you be okay with a small 3k chapter if I add another chapter on the end to make up for it?
> 
> Once again, thank you guys for all the love. Stay happy and healthy and always get enough sleep ily <3


	9. Freedom vs. Isolation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And that was it… those were the words Felix needed to hear, the ones he had never heard before, the ones no one had never been there for him long enough to say, the ones that made him feel that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello :)
> 
> You guys are the best!! This fic has now reached 300 kudos and I am honestly in shock, thank you so much! Also thank you for the advice you all gave me last chapter. It feels so great that I can ask you about things like word count and everything else and get a really helpful, genuine response from you, so thank you! Your comments really did help and I'm very grateful of the fact you took time to help me
> 
> So, in the end I did decide to split it into a 3k and a 5k chapter (instead of the full 8k) but then I started editing the 3k and I got carried away so it's 4k now (yes I know, pls stop me)
> 
> Anyway, enjoy! xx

Felix didn’t wake up as normal, cold and… not alone?

He was laying on a soft surface, limbs slack and someone else’s hand carefully cradling his own. The air around him was alive with activity. People were running around talking lowly with each other, exchanging urgent words and flocking in and out of his line of hearing like they weren’t quite sure what they were supposed to do.

Felix hadn’t yet opened his eyes, but he could hear and sense enough to know the world was chaos around him. The one thing that remained calm was the thumb gently rubbing along the skin on the back of his hand, keeping up the repetitive motion that allowed Felix to stay calm and grounded as he gradually crossed into the waking world.

He began to feel the pain flaring in the bruises on his face and the headache prickling at him from all the crying, but nothing hurt more than the puncture in his heart as all the memories came flooding back to him in a rush of distorted images and shattered pixels. The most prominent of them all being his smashed camera lying broken on the floor.

A whimper involuntarily left Felix’s lips at the thought and he curled up as the hand holding his suddenly tensed. There was a shift of movements beside him and Felix felt a face leaning down towards his, a set of fingers brushing hesitantly over his cheek as his hand was softly squeezed. 

“Felix,” the voice was barely a whisper, but Felix easily recognised Chan’s homely tone, “Felix are you awake?”

Another whimper escaped Felix at the question, his uncertainty about how he should answer scaring him as all the memories continued to swirl through his veins, unconsciousness still clinging weakly to his tendrils of thought.

“Hey, it’s okay,” Chan’s voice was still a whisper, but more sincere this time as his tender palm came up to cup Felix’s cheek, “I’m right here, okay? I’ll be right here until you’re ready to open your eyes.”

Somehow, Chan’s words were able to help chase the memories away as they gradually started to filter from Felix’s mind. The light in the room began to trickle through his closed eyelids, the last bits of sleep finally draining from him. It took him a few seconds, but he eventually managed to gather the strength to open his eyes as his heavy eyelids were pushed upwards and the world blurred around him. 

At first, he couldn’t make out anything. But then it was like someone was fiddling with his lens as everything started to fall into focus, his surroundings gradually becoming clearer. Colours popped and details sparked, all the shapes coming together to formed Chan’s concerned face hovering over him.

“Chris?” Felix croaked, head foggy and nose scrunching as he brought up a floppy arm to rub at his face, just able to make out the relieved smile that broke out on Chan’s face.

“Felix,” the leader breathed out, eyes dancing with shock and relief as his grip tightened on Felix’s hand, “You’ve no idea how happy I am to see you awake.”

Felix slowly lowered his arm to stare directly into Chan’s face, unable to identify all the emotions passing over it. There was definite fear, accompanied by prominent exhaustion and a tiny touch of happiness, but the other emotions… they were too fast, too confusing, for Felix to catch.

“Wh-what happened?” Felix was able to ask, pulling his gaze away from Chan to peer at all the people bustling around them. There were a couple of managers, a few policemen, what looked like a medic, and some others Felix couldn’t identify. None of them were staring directly at Felix, but he could tell they all wanted to, even if they weren’t going to interrupt his current conversation with Chan. 

“Well…” Chan cleared his throat, “What do you remember?” Chan’s hesitant question reminded Felix that he had asked his own, and he pulled his gaze back down to look at the leader. 

“Ummm… I remember… I remember what happened with my parents, but…” Felix trailed off, beginning to get more agitated as he attempted to sit up, suddenly registering that he was lying on a tattered old sofa with a blanket draped over him, the familiar hallways of his apartment building beginning to stand up around him, “Where… what… how…?”

The half-formed questions fell from his lips as whimpers, his shaky arms struggling to push him up. Ever the faithful friend, Chan quickly looped his hands under Felix’s arms and helped to pull him upright, gently leaning him against the back of the sofa as Felix tried to pull in a deep breath.

“It’s okay, you’re okay,” Chan soothed as he began to rub his fingers along Felix’s arms, “After you passed out, the police showed up and called a medic to look you over. They said you didn’t need a hospital, but you couldn’t stay on the floor either. They wanted to put you on your bed, but I didn’t want you to have to wake up in that apartment, so I helped them move you out here.”

A few silent seconds passed as Felix processed the words, his mind picturing Chan standing up for him and helping him, the images warming him like a blanket as the leader’s fingers continued to run along his shoulders. 

“Where are the others?” Felix asked softly, noticing Chan’s slight amused smile at the mention of the rest of the group.

“I got Woojin to call your manager and ours after the police arrived,” Chan explained, “It was really crowded when they got here so they sent the others away. They all wanted to stay with you, but there was only so many ways of begging they could use before it got annoying.”

Felix allowed himself to snort at the answer, ignoring all the pain and exhaustion swirling around in his brain as he just tried to bask in Chan’s glow, desperately trying to forget all that had happened in the last few hours. He tried to picture Jeongin using his large, feline eyes to try and look cute enough to win the manager over, tried to picture Minho delicately spinning his words in an attempt to guilt trip them, tried to picture Hyunjin dramatically whining about how no one ever listened to him. The thoughts were sharp contrasts to the memories trying to push their way through Felix’s skull, and he tried to savour them, only thinking about the people who brought him comfort in the world, only thinking about the people who had consistently fought for him.

“Speaking of which,” Chan said, interrupting Felix’s thoughts as he got up off the floor and settled himself next to Felix on the sofa, pulling Felix into his side with one arm and pulling out his phone with the other, “I should probably text them, they’ll want to know you’re awake.”

The familiar calming scent of the leader filled Felix’s nostrils as Chan moved next to him, barely even noticing the way Felix dropped his head onto his shoulder as he typed out the message on his phone.

“Did they head back to the dorm?” Felix asked quietly, not liking the idea of them walking home alone at such a late hour, especially after what had just happened.

“They were supposed to,” Chan answered, lowering his phone and turning to look endearingly down at Felix, not hesitating to gently brush away some stray hairs from the younger’s eyes, “But it wouldn’t surprise me if they’re all just waiting outside, you know what they’re like.”

Felix frowned at the words, starting to bite worriedly on his bottom lip as he pictured all the members waiting outside alone in the dark. He knew full-well that they were more than capable of taking care of themselves, but the night had already been full of surprises and his paranoia wasn’t prepared to listen to reason anymore. 

“Hey,” Chan said softly, noticing how Felix’s hands were starting to shake and reaching down to squeeze them, “I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling right now, probably quite scared considering all that’s happened tonight, but I promise you that you don’t need to be scared anymore, everyone here is going to protect you.”

Felix felt his insides twist at the words, breath getting caught in his throat and tears springing to his eyes. So much had happened. So much had happened and it had all happened so fast and his brain was struggling to keep up. His parents had found his hiding spot. His face was all bruised. His cameras were crushed and… and Stray Kids finally knew the one piece of information Felix swore to always keep from them. They knew that he was supposed to be their 9th member.

How was Felix supposed to deal with all that?

He didn’t even know where to begin.

It all rushed into his throat like lava and he sobbed it out like an explosion from a volcano. He was immediately bent double on the seat, arms wrapped around his stomach and face practically buried in his legs, tears soaking through his jeans. 

“They found me, Chris,” the scrambled words were a cry for a help, a beg that crackled through his every vein as he continued to sob, “They found me.”

“I know, it’s okay,” Felix felt strong arms wrap around his shoulders from behind and pull him against a firm chest, one hand immediately landing on his back and the other tangling in his hair as Felix cried into Chan’s t-shirt, “But they’re never going to find you again, okay? They’re never going to ever hurt you, not if I have anything to do with it. I’m sorry I couldn’t protect you this time, but I absolutely promise you I always will from now on. No one is ever going to hurt you again, Lix, not while I’m here.”

The sobs bubbled from him faster as Felix listened to Chan’s reassurance, unable to process how it had all come to this, how it had all gone so wrong so fast. Felix was broken, completely shattered like he never had been before, but through it all, through the horrible mess his life had become, he still had Chan, he still had Stray Kids. If there was anything good to come out of this horror story, it was the bond that had formed between Felix and the members that he now knew was so strong it would never be broken. Not even by Felix’s parents, not even by years of violence, not even by a revelation that one of them had been snatched away at the most pivotal moment. They were in it together now and nothing was going to change that.

“Th-thank you for saving me,” Felix choked the words into Chan’s chest, sounding so devastated and so broken in so many ways but still having in him the strength that would get him through, “Thank you all for not running away, for not leaving when y-you realised wh-who I was.”

“We’re never leaving you, Lix,” Chan whispered into Felix’s hair, voice quiet but so sure that Felix wouldn’t have not believed it even if he tried, “Never.”

And that was it… those were the words Felix needed to hear, the ones he had never heard before, the ones no one had never been there for him long enough to say, the ones that made him feel that maybe, just maybe, everything would be okay.

He continued to cry in Chan’s arms, but there was something more vulnerable about it now, like Felix was finally letting Chan see every inch of his pain, like there was finally absolutely nothing that he was holding back on. Felix had been stripped of all his secrets, exposed completely for the entire world to jab at and rip apart, but instead of pain, there had been love. Instead of being outcasted, he had been accepted. Stray Kids had found out he was one of them, and instead of freaking out like he’d expected them to, they’d pulled him into their arms and cherished him, holding him through the panic that had threatened to choke him. 

The night had taken so many turns, had contradicted itself at every moment, had brought him endless acceptance but also endless pain. His heart was still in shards on the floor, his lifeline was still destroyed, his worst nightmares were still running around free ready to attack him and Stray Kids still knew something that Felix wasn’t ready for them to know. It hurt. It hurt so bad. But there were fingers in his hair and a soft hand on his back and tender words being whispered in his ear and there was the knowledge that there were 7 others also willing to give him all this, also willing to fight for him, also willing to stay with him until the world started treating him right and it brought him unspeakable amounts of comfort. It didn’t fix everything, it didn’t make the pain go away. But it made it bearable, it gave him someone else to help carry all of it, it made everything that little bit easier, and he couldn’t be more thankful.

The sobs only lasted a few more minutes before Felix gradually calmed into a soft, half-asleep state, still exhausted and emotionally-drained from the day but also not quite ready to re-enter the darkness just yet.

He remained on Chan’s lap, face buried in the leader’s neck as Chan talked to the various different people who came over to ask questions. No one seemed quite ready to bother Felix yet, which the young boy was thankful for as he’d officially used up all his energy and brainpower for the day, barely even understanding the Korean or registering Chan’s movements underneath him. 

His eyes were open, but he could barely see as a policeman came over and helped load Felix onto Chan’s back. Several other people offered to help carry him, but Chan was having none of it and Felix couldn’t help but be grateful as he tightened his arms around the elder’s neck, awake enough to be mindful of not cutting off his air supply. 

The walk down the endless flights of stairs must have been hard for Chan, and towards the end Felix was being bumped around on his back in a way that was probably rougher than intended. But he didn’t mind, it helped to ground him and keep his mind away from the voices in his head and the flashbacks playing in front of his eyes. It had only been a short time since his parents had come scorching back into his life, and he was still in shock from it. 

As expected, the rest of the group were waiting outside when they finally exited the building and the manager was able to look disappointed, but not at all surprised. Felix would have laughed if he wasn’t still paranoid. 

What made everything worse was when he noticed Minho and Changbin stood right next to each other on the pavement, Changbin holding an ice pack against Minho’s wrist. Felix instantly remembered Minho’s strangled cry of pain and the way he had cradled his wrist in his hand, presumably hurting from a kick Felix’s father had given him for holding onto his ankle. Minho wasn’t visibly in any kind of pain but knowing he was injured caused Felix to flinch so hard he almost threw himself off Chan’s back, feeling completely swamped by the guilt that came from knowing he had caused harm to one of the members.

Woojin, blessed with a paternal streak that made him extremely observant when it came to his dongsaengs, instantly noticed where Felix’s eyes had travelled and was quick to go over and start rubbing Felix’s back, knowing exactly what the younger was thinking.

“Hey, it’s not your fault,” he said softly, heart breaking at the scared puppy eyes Felix turned his way, “Minho’s completely fine, okay? His wrist is just bruised, he’s going to be okay. He’s more concerned about you to be honest.”

Felix didn’t know if he felt better or worse at that, just nodded as he felt Woojin’s hand move from his back and come up to tangle in the strands of his hair, rubbing his scalp softly as he let his head fall tiredly onto Chan’s neck.

He rode in the back of a small car to the JYP building with Chan and Woojin pressed against him from opposing sides, each holding one of his hands and rubbing soft circles onto his skin as his eyes drooped. The sleeping world was still hypnotically trying to reel him in, but Felix knew it’d only be filled with nightmares and suffocation, so he wasn’t willing to let himself be dragged away yet.

Instead, he focused on the streetlights streaking past the car window as they drove, casting Woojin in a dark, powerful glow. The sight was breath-taking and Felix winced as he processed it, realising that the camera he would have once used to capture this moment was now smashed to pieces on his apartment floor. The movement caught the attention of Chan and Woojin, who both worriedly moved closer to him. Woojin gently guided Felix’s head onto his shoulder, drawing his sight away from the car windows and Felix sighed in relief, feeling the warmth from Woojin soaking into his skin.

He was able to stay awake for the entire ride to the company building and insisted on walking himself when the manager gestured at him and Chan and a couple of policemen to follow them to their office. The rest of Stray Kids trailed behind, repeatedly being told to wait somewhere else but ignoring the words as they continuously threw reassuring smiles Felix’s way, absolutely refusing to budge from the young boy’s side. 

Another couple of policemen eventually decided the boys could be of use and gestured them to an empty office where they could be interviewed about everything they had seen. Felix was interviewed in the other office with the manager to witness and Chan for support and to jump in and translate every now and again since Felix was struggling to form Korean sentences. 

It was hard having to re-live all that had been done to him, all the humiliation and shame and hurt that had been years in the making, but it was even harder knowing what he was doing. Other than Stray Kids, Felix had never told his story to anyone, had never even considered going to the police. Of course, Felix had had to reveal some stuff when his parents had showed up the first time and he had to go into hiding in the company, But, even then, Felix hadn’t said a lot. Most of it had been inferred and interpreted by how he looked and acted when he’d turned up in the hospital and what the company had already known about his family history.

But now… now Felix was telling everything. Telling everything to someone who had full power to actually stop his parents. Felix didn’t know if he liked the feeling, didn’t know if he liked the way he felt like the small boy who would plug in his headphones and hide under his bed covers just get to away from it all, believing the lies that it would only get worse if he told someone.

Would it all get worse from now on? Would Felix’s suffering drastically increase now he was doing the thing he’d always sworn never to do? 

His brain was screaming at him to believe that yes, yes it was all going to get worse from now. It was all going to end in punishment and pain for him now that he’d gone against everything he’d ever told himself. But then he registered Chan’s body pressed tightly against his own, remembered the soft voices the other members had used to calm him down, and he thought that maybe it wasn’t so bad. 

“I’m very sorry to hear that happened to you, Felix,” one of the policemen said as Felix finished talking, tucked under Chan’s arm with tears on his cheeks, small sniffles leaving him every few seconds from the crying he’d done at having to re-tell everything, “But we do have something we can tell you.”

Felix looked up at that, eyes scared and wide and body hunched over in the seat he was sharing with Chan. He looked so small, so young, and it broke every heart in the room as the light fell onto the purple swelling of his jaw and the blackness of his eye. In a way, every piece of innocence had been stripped from his skin but, despite all this, there was still a childlike curiosity in his face, a small spark of hope that sparkled in his eyes, reflecting how strong he actually he was, how determined he was to never, ever give up… not even if it killed him. 

“What is it?” his voice was small and scared, like a child who couldn’t sleep and wanted their mum, but he was able to wipe at his face as he spoke, trying to rid himself of all the tears he was so tired of crying. He’d thought he was done with emotion that night, that there was officially nothing left that could shock him as much the return of his parents had. Turns out he was very, very wrong.

“Felix,” the policeman said, clearing their throat and leaning forward in their seat to stare directly into Felix’s face, “We caught your parents.”

All the air was sucked out the room. 

Felix bolted up in his seat, back straightening so quickly his muscles screamed and Chan’s arm fell from around his shoulder, hand landing next to Felix’s wrist and immediately squeezing it to keep the boy grounded. All the lights in the room suddenly became too bright as electricity blazed through Felix’s veins, the room falling silent around him as blood roared in his ears.

“What?” the whisper was so fragile as it fell from his lips, eyes wide and mouth open, air stuttering in and out of him as a million different emotions burned from his fingers right down to his toes.

“We caught your mum just as she ran out of the building,” the policeman explained slowly and carefully, staring dead at Felix to make sure he wasn’t being too overwhelmed, “The lift was broken, so she had to run down all the stairs to get out and it took her long enough that we had arrived by the time she’d reached the exit. And we were able to find your dad a few blocks away, we’re presuming he was held up by the stairs too. We have both of them in custody now.”

Felix gasped, mouth opening and closing frantically as he tried to swallow against the way his throat was knotting up. What did this mean? Was he free now? Was he finally going to be able to stop looking over his shoulder? Would he finally be able to let go of all the suffering, all the paranoia, all the fear that plagued his thoughts daily?

“Does this… does this mean…?” Felix didn’t even know what he was trying to say as the words scrambled their way out his lips, throat constricting as his eyes fell to the floor and chest began to rise and fall at a rapid speed. Was it finally over? Was this it? Was this the time he could finally start living for himself? Could he finally leave behind all the hiding?

“It means you’re free, Lix,” Chan’s confident voice broke through Felix’s storm of questions, offering the boy an umbrella against the rain, some shelter against the thunder, firm protection against the lightning. Felix turned to face him, immediately meeting the leader’s eyes that were shimmering with a thousand different feelings, a gentle smile shining for only Felix, “You’re finally free.”

Free.

The word echoed through Felix’s mind, singing louder than the terrifying thoughts that were cutting brutally into his skull. He was free.

He was finally free.

He was finally okay.

For the last time that night, a sob brewed in Felix’s chest and Chan was all too happy to catch him as he fell from the final height on his journey to freedom. He landed safely in the leader’s arms and felt every form of protection coat him as he finally let go of all the fear in his heart, of all the horror that had become a permanent itch on his skin, of all the memories that had forever fuelled the paranoia he was forced to live with.

He could let go of all of it now.

He was free.

He was finally free.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not really an action-packed chapter, but I still hope you enjoyed it <3
> 
> After this it's two more chapters and then we are done and BOY DO I HAVE A SURPRISE COMING UP
> 
> Next update will be Thursday/Friday (ish) depending on how organised I am
> 
> Drink plenty of water today and remember to love yourself xx


	10. Together vs. Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Making things ten times harder than it needed to be was a skilful craft, and one that Felix and Stray Kids had perfected to a T.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello hello xx
> 
> Welcome to chapter 10!! This is the second-to-last chapter, and honestly I don't know if I'm ready to say goodbye to this story. It has been one hell of a process to write and there were times I wanted to throw my laptop out the window (especially writing this chapter grrr) but I did love publishing it. 
> 
> I hope these last 2 chapters are a suitable enough ending and that they live up to your expectations
> 
> Enjoy!!

A knock on Felix’s door broke through the silence as the boy stared at the half-blank wall in front of him, trying to decide if the photos he had already stuck up were in the right place and where he was supposed to stick up the rest of them. 

It had been a week since the incident with Felix’s parents and the boy had been moved into a new apartment, hence why he now was trying to decorate it. He hadn’t really needed to move since his parents had been caught now so it didn’t really matter whether they knew where he lived or not, but the old apartment was full of memories that Felix had been all too happy to get away from, and so he had jumped at the offer when the company offered to move him to a whole new building.

It meant no more freezing cold nights, no more broken lifts and a whole new walk to the studio every morning that Felix was thrilled to be able to take new photos of. His photography account was thriving. 

Luckily, the manager had said yes when Felix had not-so-suspiciously asked if his new building had rooftop access. Felix suspected that the manager now knew exactly where Felix was when he disappeared at night, but they hadn’t yet said anything and seemed to be choosing to turn a blind-eye to it and pretend they were unaware. This was probably the same blind-eye the entire company was deciding to turn against why Stray Kids had even been in Felix’s building that fateful night instead of sleeping in their dorm like they were supposed to be. 

It was no coincidence that Felix’s new apartment was merely a two-minute walk from the Stray Kids dorm and it was understatement to say that the nine boys were thankful. Together, Felix and the eight members had managed to create a whole lot of trouble for the company, so they were surprised they weren’t being kept at a 50-foot radius from each other. But it appeared the managers had seen that what they had been through had only served to bring all nine of them closer together and so they understood the dangers that would come from the nine boys being separated. Mainly because they now knew how far the entire group were willing to go to make sure they stayed together, and how much disaster they would cause trying to make it happen. 

Making things ten times harder than it needed to be was a skilful craft, and one that Felix and Stray Kids had perfected to a T.

It was these thoughts that made Felix smile as he put down the photo in his hand to go and answer the door, wearing a grey jumper that was at least five sizes too big for him (most likely stolen from Woojin) and white jeans with black flowers embroidered up the legs. He had a pretty good idea of who it was at the door considering how hard it had been to see Stray Kids this past week. He’d managed to see them in pairs and trios in fleeting corridor meetings that hadn’t lasted longer than a few minutes due to Felix having to rush off to another police appointment or the boys having a schedule they couldn’t avoid. The past week had been a rush of activity for all nine of them and so it had been hard to see each other in person, especially since Felix had to deal with the move, his police statement and what was now going to be happening with his parents. He’d been keeping the members updated through their now nine-person group chat, but it wasn’t quite the same as face-to-face conversation. 

The only member he’d been seeing regularly was Chan. The leader had practically moved into Felix’s new apartment with him as he’d insisted on helping Felix pack and un-pack all his belongings (which meant there were A LOT of photos for him to organise) and accompany him to all his meetings with the police and social services. Felix hated how he was keeping Chan from his schedule, but he was also extremely grateful to have him there. It made all the weight he had to carry significantly lighter and meant he had a shoulder to cry on when all the memories came flooding back. 

It had been a hard week, but Felix was getting better.

Which is why Felix was able to smile extra wide as he opened the door, being greeted by the eight familiar faces that never failed to brighten his day.

“Hi guys,” he said shyly, barely able to get the door open wide enough before he suddenly had his arms full.

“Felix!” Jisung, Jeongin and Hyunjin all screamed as they leapt at him, bumping into each other at every angle before all managing to get at least one arm round Felix. 

“You guys are going to kill him,” Changbin said as he walked up behind them, grabbing Hyunjin and Jisung by their collars and dragging them back, Jeongin somehow stumbling away with them after being unable to untangle one of his limbs from Hyunjin’s in time, “Hiya, Lix!”

“Hi, hyung,” Felix smiled gratefully, trying to catch his breath as Changbin quickly squeezed his shoulder and walked past him into the room, a dazzling grin on his lips. He was followed by the other members who all waved and giggled as they walked past, Minho looking suspiciously like he was hiding something behind his back, before Felix’s gaze was torn away by Woojin walking in. 

“Hey, Felix,” the older smiled softly, bringing up gentle fingers to brush over the faded bruising on Felix’s jaw, “You’re looking better.”

Felix’s eyes crinkled up in happiness at those words because, truthfully, he was getting better. His black eye and injured jaw had now faded so that they weren’t so obvious. He still didn’t like the sickly yellows and greens that the bruises had become, but they were definitely better than the striking purples and blues he’d been dealing with before. What was even better was that they were a lot less painful now. He’d started off the week with constant throbbing and shooting pains, but now it was merely a dull ache that was only noticeable when Felix moved his face too much or touched it. The healing process hadn’t quite finished, but he was definitely heading in the right direction.

“I feel better,” Felix said confidently, his cheeks pulled up into a large grin. He would be lying if he said the week had been easy, if he said it hadn’t been filled with fear, paranoia and nightmares. But he’d also be lying if he said he hadn’t had Chan to hold him through it, if he said he didn’t contain the inner strength that would pull him through one last time. And now it had all paid off. Now all nine of them were finally reunited and all was right with the world. 

“Good,” Woojin said, his face lighting up in a beautiful smile that brightened Felix’s whole world for a second before he turned away and walked into the room, Chan following swiftly behind and throwing Felix a wink before closing the door behind them.

“Wow, Felix,” Jisung’s excited voice pulled Felix’s gaze away as the boy launched himself on the bed, “This new place isn’t half bad.”

“I know,” Felix responded happily, “It’s definitely better than the old one.” He looked around as the group all settled themselves in various spots in the room. This new apartment was a little bit bigger than the old one and even had a sofa and a normal-sized kitchen that gave the group a little more sitting-space.

Woojin, Minho, Hyunjin and Seungmin were all sat in various odd positions on the dining room chairs with Jeongin sat on the dining room table in the middle of them, his legs dangling cutely above the floor. Jisung and Chan were stretched out together on the bed and Changbin had somehow managed to claim the sofa to himself, smugly laying his legs out over it.

Felix just shook his head and smiled to himself as he made his way over, using his hands to pull Changbin’s feet upwards at an unnatural angle before flopping down onto the sofa and letting the legs land over his lap. Changbin yelped embarrassingly at the action but made no further protest as Felix settled down and started massaging his knees. 

“So,” Felix started off the conversation, “Not that I’m not happy about it, but what exactly brings you all here? I thought you’d have a schedule or something?”

“Well, we kinda do…” Hyunjin answered, “But it was just practice and there was no one there to supervise us, so really it’s their own fault that we ran away.”

Felix snorted at that, hands pausing on Changbin’s legs as the rapper grinned at him and poked him in the shoulder for laughing.

“You guys are such idiots,” Felix shook his head, “You do realise they’re going to know exactly where to find you, right?”

“Yeah, we know,” Seungmin answered with a shrug, “And it’s not going to take them long to realise the practice room’s gone quiet either, we figured we’d make the most of the opportunity, though.”

“Besides,” Chan cut in, “There might be another reason we had to come see you today, Lix.”

Felix looked over to the leader, confusion immediately flooding his veins as the group all shared knowing looks, apparently having an ulterior motive to showing up at his door.

“What is it?” Felix asked, trying to hide the nervousness in his voice. It wasn’t that he had reason to be nervous, there could be a bunch of reasons that the group had chosen to see him, it was just his brain didn’t listen to reason all the time and unexpected situations still scared him. 

“Hey, it’s okay,” Changbin shifted and pulled his legs off Felix, settling himself next to him and placing a hand on his thigh, “It’s not a bad thing, I promise. You’ll like it… well, at least we hope you will.”

Felix met Changbin’s eyes for a second, unable to see anything but complete sincerity in them, if not a little nervousness. It was a cute look on Changbin and instantly helped to calm Felix down, the younger reaching forward to gently play with the rapper’s fingers.

“Okay,” Felix said quietly, turning to face the rest of the group with a small smile, “What is it?”

Every member started looking around at each other, all evidently having some weird sort of silent discussion before eventually, a few moments later, all eyes landed on Minho. The boy sighed softly for a second and then rose out of his seat, walking towards Felix. There was a small, white bandage coating his wrist from where Felix’s father had kicked him, and Felix had to push back his guilt at the sight of it. Minho had assured him multiple times that the injury wasn’t serious and that it barely hurt anymore, but Felix couldn’t help but hate himself a little more every time he saw the purpling skin or the bandages that covered it. Luckily, Felix was helpfully distracted this time by the fact that Minho was walking towards him holding a pink, sparkly gift bag in his uninjured hand.

“Hyung?” Felix didn’t know whether it was okay for him to laugh or not, “What’s that?”

“This, Lee Felix,” Minho said, coming to crouch in front of Felix, face soft but eyes serious in a way Felix had never seen them before, “Is something we would like to give to you. We understand if you don’t want to take it, but this past week has been hard for you and we couldn’t help but notice how you’ve been missing something.”

Felix’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion as he listened to the explanation and he couldn’t help but tilt his head to the side, suspiciously eyeing the bag Minho was clutching in his left hand, wondering what could be inside.

“You didn’t need to get me anything,” Felix said softly, gaze still on the gift bag.

“Lix, we wanted to,” Seungmin responded, chin resting in his hands as he watched the scene in earnest, “You’ll understand once you open it.”

Once again, Felix’s face crinkled in confusion and he didn’t hesitate to take the bag Minho was now holding out to him. It was heavier than he expected and definitely a lot more fragile than he’d originally thought. For a second, he almost didn’t want to open it, too afraid of what Stray Kids had evidently put some money and thought into, too afraid of letting them all down again and making this whole thing a waste. 

But he also couldn’t deny anything that they gave to him, so it was with a fluttering heart that he reached his hand into the bag, trying to distract himself from the loud thoughts still whirring through his brain. His fingers immediately brushed over a firm cardboard box that he carefully gripped onto and pulled out, eyes falling down to the gift resting in his hands.

A gasp immediately tumbled from his lips, tears springing to his eyes, the words so clearly spelt out on the box blurring right in front of him.

But there was no denying what this was.

In his hands, Felix was holding a brand-new camera. A brand-new camera that fit his taste in every sense of the word. 

He couldn’t believe it. He simply couldn’t believe what he was holding. A mere week ago his entire world had crumbled as his cameras had been smashed to pieces right in front of him. He’d listened to the glass cracking as the device had hit the wall. He’d watched the pieces shatter apart and scatter themselves along the floor as the camera had tumbled through the air, and he’d felt every inch of himself break along with it. 

But now… now he had a new camera in his hand. He had a new lifeline just at the end of his fingertips, and his brain short-circuited at the feeling of it. Stray Kids had not only saved him physically, had not only been the ones to rush in yelling and fighting to rescue him from danger, but they’d also been the ones to save him mentally. They’d seen his scars, they’d recognised his loss, and now they were doing everything they could to give back to him, to help him work towards being okay again. It may have only seemed like they had bought him a camera, but under the surface it was so, so much more. 

It wasn’t the most expensive or shiny camera out there, but it was exactly what Felix liked to take pictures with. It was suited perfectly to him in every way, from the same brand as his old ones had been, just a slightly different size with a few extra controls that he already couldn’t wait to use. Only people that he really loved Felix would know that this was the type of camera that he liked, and the only people that existed like that were Stray Kids. 

“Oh my god, you guys,” Felix choked out, one hand coming up to cover his mouth as a tear made its way down his cheek, his gaze still locked firmly with the camera on his lap.

“Oh, Lix,” Changbin sounded panicked as he moved closer to Felix and threw an arm round his shoulders, “Do you like it? Is it okay? We’re so sorry if it’s not. This is probably quite painful for you and probably quite insensitive after what happened, we just wanted to do something nice and-“

“It’s perfect hyung!” Felix sobbed, cutting Changbin off and throwing himself into the elder’s arms as Minho dove forward to grab the camera, “Thank you so much, thank all of you so so so much!”

He cried into Changbin’s chest, hands clinging to the fabric of his t-shirt as Changbin’s arms snaked their way up over his shoulders, his nose coming down to rest in the rapidly beating pulse in Felix’s neck. 

“It’s okay, Lix,” he whispered, locking eyes with Minho as the boy gently placed the camera down and shifted forward to hug Felix from behind, his arms wrapping around the younger’s waist, “It’s okay, make sure you take good pictures on it, yeah?”

“Of course I will,” Felix cried into Changbin’s chest, “Thank you, thank you all.”

It took a few minutes for Felix to stop crying, and even then he was still sniffling as he untangled himself from Changbin and Minho, going around to hug everyone in the room before walking a few feet closer to the bed and springing off his feet to land none-too-gently on top of Jisung and Chan.

“Oooof,” both males grunted at the unexpected attack, Felix ignoring it as he whined contently and snuggled into them, both arms wrapped around their shoulders. 

“You’re cute, Lix,” Jisung smiled, returning the hug, “But if I’m not the first person you take pictures of on your new camera then I might just have to revoke your twin card.”

Felix gasped, whipping his head up to look at Jisung, “You wouldn’t dare.”

“I wouldn’t test that if I were you,” Jisung quipped, eyes sparkling with mischief. Felix met his gaze with a similarly troublesome look, easily stepping up to the challenge as Minho carried the camera over. 

Together, him and Felix managed to tear off the tape and get the box open, removing all the outer packaging before Felix carefully pulled the camera out, cradling it in his hands. He was momentarily distracted as he laid there on his stomach, simply revelling in how good it felt to simply be holding a camera in his hands again. Once again, there were a million possibilities in his palm, a million masterpieces he had the potential to create, a million beauties he could easily capture. This was the feeling he’d missed. This was the feeling only Stray Kids had managed to bring back to him. 

He took a deep breath before shifting the camera in his hands, so he could turn it on. The screen lit up and his breath caught in his throat as he observed how clean it was, how unbroken and new it was. It was like his photography was experiencing a fresh new start, was putting itself back together stronger than ever, just like Felix was. 

A smile broke out on his face as he propped himself up on his elbows, ignoring the grunt from Chan when he dug his limb directly into the leader’s stomach. He waited until they were settled before bringing the camera up to his face, adjusting the controls and fiddling with the focus as Chan and Jisung snuggled up together, angelic smiles bright on their beautiful faces as they beamed into the lens. 

Felix got a few shots of the pair cuddled up together, hair messy and natural faces shiny with the blankets bunched up around them. They looked so happy and beautiful that Felix couldn’t help but think of the gorgeous night a week ago he’d spent at the park with Stray Kids, the night Felix had gotten pictures of them on the climbing frame and in the grass, the night it had all gone terribly wrong. Felix had taken some of the best pictures he had ever taken that night, had been able to capture Stray Kids in their purest form and treasure them for the whole world to see, had been able to look at them not only as idols, but as friends, and his pictures had perfectly been able to capture that.

A lot of the past week had been spent by Felix thinking about those photos, thinking about the memory card they were on that his mother had stolen, thinking about how he’d probably never see them again. It was so stupid to be hung up on such small things, but those photos were more than just photos to Felix. They were symbols of his success, symbols of his strength to be able to survive whatever life threw at him, symbols of the magnificent friendship he had made along the way. 

Those photos, even if it was just for a short amount of time, had meant everything to Felix and he had lost them forever. 

“Hey Lix,” Chan’s soft, concerned voice pulled Felix out of his thoughts, “You good?” 

“Yeah,” Felix quickly said, shaking his head to clear his mind and try to dispel everything, not wanting to worry the group around him, “What do you think?”

He held the camera out towards the boys, letting them look at the photos he had taken. Both pairs of eyes went wide as they took in how Felix had effortlessly managed to capture their beauty despite the awkward lighting he had to deal with. It somehow looked like the sun was framing both of their faces and lighting up the world, bringing joy to all who looked at the photo. The way the blankets lightly touched their faces and their hair tickled each other’s noses were small, fine details that Felix was perfectly able to embellish. 

“Wow,” Jisung breathed, “You’re so talented, Felix.”

Felix blushed at the praise, slowly pulling the camera away as he mumbled a quick thanks, eager to change the subject as other members started loudly begging for photos too. 

Luckily, fate seemed to be on Felix’s side that day as before Felix could even fully turn the camera back around, there was another knock at the door and everyone’s attention was diverted to the other end of Felix’s apartment.

“Felix,” Chan whispered, staring at the door, “Did you happen to schedule any visits here today?”

“Umm…” Felix swallowed in an attempt hold back his laughter, knowing full-well who was at the door, “No.”

“Damnit,” Minho cursed, “I think the manager’s found us.”

“Well you guys didn’t exactly choose a creative place to hide,” Felix quipped as he started to shuffle off the bed, moving towards the door, “You knew this would happen.”

“Wait, hyung!” Jeongin scurried over, grabbing’s Felix wrist and stopping him a few feet in front of the door, “Pretend we’re not here, then we won’t have to go back.”

Felix was about to say no, not wanting to get in trouble for lying to the manager, but then Jeongin’s eyes softened and his bottom lip jutted out and Felix realised he may or may not have been a lot more whipped than he thought he was. He tried to tell himself that the only reason he softened and nodded was because Jeongin had been part of the group who’d bought him a camera, and Felix figured he owed them, but this was completely disproved by the way his veins melted to pudding at the smile that broke out on Jeongin’s face after.

He quickly opened the door before things got suspicious and pulled it halfway, shielding the room with his body as he greeted the slightly disgruntled face of the manager. 

“Oh, hi,” Felix put on his best surprised smile as he talked, diminishing only a little when the manager gave him a look that suggested they knew exactly what Felix was doing, “What brings you here?”

“Felix,” they sighed heavily, putting on the type of look that Felix imagined a parent would give their stroppy kid, “Where are they?”

“Where’s who?” Felix put on the best puzzled face he could, raising his eyebrows to help him get into character as his hand that was still clinging to the doorknob started to sweat.

“I think you know exactly who I’m referring to, Yongbok,” the manager looked like they would much rather be anywhere else as they responded, slightly catching Felix off guard with the use of his Korean name.

“Sorry, I have no id-“ Felix was halfway through his incredibly convincing lie when Jisung sneezed loudly from within the room, prompting Chan to jolt upwards with a loud “Eww!” and at least four members to turn around and harshly shush them.

The manager only looked more done with the situation as they huffed and Felix smiled as innocently as he could, knowing there was absolutely no way he was going to be able to talk himself out of this one.

“I should probably just let you in now, shouldn’t I?” he asked quickly, and the manager nodded.

“Yes, you most definitely should,” they responded, striding into the room as Felix pulled the door all the way open and quickly jumped out the way, closing the door behind them.

“Hello boys,” the manager said, standing in the centre of the room as they eyed the group, “Been practicing hard, have we?”

“Something like that,” Minho mumbled as he pulled himself off his chair to settle on Hyunjin’s lap, giving the manager a space to sit down as the rest of the group all shared guilty looks.

Felix would have laughed at the little kid with their hand caught in the candy jar expressions if he wasn’t afraid of getting in trouble himself. So, instead he kept his mouth shut and quietly made his way back over to the sofa and re-settled himself down next to Changbin, delighted to find his new camera had somehow found its way next to him and he could fiddle with the strap as the group talked.

“Figured I’d find you here,” the manager said, looking around the room before their eyes landed on Felix and they caught sight of the camera, a surprised expression appearing on their face, “Felix, is that a new camera? I thought your other ones were…”

They trailed off, not wanting to finish their own sentence as Felix swallowed heavily, ignoring the memories that immediately tried to crowbar their way into his mind as the manager tried to dance around mentioning his smashed cameras. 

“Yeah they were,” Felix said quietly, pulling his gaze off the floor as he spoke, “But the members… they all bought me a new one.”

The manager completely softened at the words and Felix allowed himself a small smile, infinitely glad that all the staff at JYP were still able to recognise the unique bond between the nine of them and were doing everything they could to support them. In a way, it was what got them into the whole mess in the first place as Felix would never have been asked to work with Stray Kids if they weren’t so close. But he couldn’t think about that now, he didn’t want to spend so much time dwelling on all the causes and regrets the situation had brought him, he only wanted to think about moving forward. 

“That reminds me,” the manager said, pulling Felix out of his thoughts as they fiddled with their hands, gears visibly turning in their head, eyes fixed firmly on the camera, “I’ve actually wanted to speak to you, all nine of you, about something.”

The entire group raised their eyebrows, apprehension immediately shooting around the room as a few of them locked gazes. What more was there to say? What else did the company have to tell them? Fortunately, they didn’t have to wait long for an answer as the manager opened their mouth again.

“I think… I think there’s an elephant in the room that we need to address,” they said, and Felix felt dread pool in his stomach, having a very strong feeling about what this was about, “We’ve been told that… that on that night, it was brought to light that Felix was not only a trainee, but also a trainee set to be the final member of Stray Kids.”

Felix flinched, body immediately going completely tense. The whole ninth-member thing was still a very sensitive area for him, made especially worse by how it had been the night before he was supposed to meet the other eight members that his parents had decided to originally attack him. He’d managed to keep the secret hidden that time, but unfortunately hadn’t been so lucky when his parents re-surfaced again a week ago. 

It was something he hadn’t yet had time to discuss with the group, something he had rigidly been trying to avoid. Chan had brought it up a couple of times at night, but Felix had gotten choked up, overwhelmed by thoughts of how he’d let them all down, of how they were all going to see the real him, of how they were all going to turn around and abandon him now that they knew what he’d cost them. 

Realistically, he knew that that was not what was going to happen, Stray Kids were too nice to ever leave him behind, but it didn’t make the thoughts go away and he was still trying to learn how to deal with them. 

He swallowed heavily as the manager locked eyes with him, silently asking for permission to go on. Felix nodded reluctantly, knowing that no matter how much he tried, there was no way he was going to be able to avoid this forever. He felt Changbin’s hand slowly encase his wrist and smiled softly as the soft touch warmed his skin. 

“Due to this recent development,” the manager continued, face serious as they spoke to the members, who were barely even daring to breathe, “And the recent development of Felix parent’s being caught, the rest of the company and I have made a decision.”

The air went thick with suspense, a million questions zooming through the air as a whole array of possibilities sprang to their mind. A decision? The company? What were they planning to do?

“…a-a decision?” Chan asked after a painful few seconds of silence that no one didn’t dare to fill, “What do you mean, a decision?”

The manager rubbed a hand over their face, seemingly trying to figure out whether they were really supposed to be saying this. Felix felt his pulse start to stutter, wondering how his ninth-member status and recently-caught parents fit in to all of this, and how it was affecting what the manager was trying to say.

“What I mean is…” the manager started, a thick silence coating the room as they paused, “We want Stray Kids to debut.”

The initial reaction was confusion, every members’ face scrunching and head twitching as they shared puzzled looks, trying to figure out what was going on. Stray Kids had already debuted, what was the manager talking about? Chan looked like he was about to open his mouth to say something, but then he was cut off, cut off by the manager lifting their head up and staring dead at Felix, words leaving their mouth that made the entire room spin.

“We want Stray Kids to debut as nine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllll
> 
> I hope you liked that little bit of cuteness, I may be a sucker for angst (lol can you tell?) but I also adore a lil' fluff
> 
> I want to try and get the ending up as soon as I am physically able to but I have a lot of work to do the next few days, so I'm going to predict around Sunday-Monday ish
> 
> Have a lovely day <3333


	11. Nine vs. None

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You were always destined to do this, remember? This is what you came here for, and you’re finally getting to do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end!!!
> 
> I am actually so sad to say goodbye to this story. It has been my longest yet and is probably the most complicated, plot-heavy thing I have ever written.
> 
> That being said, I hope the ending lives up to expectations.
> 
> Please please please enjoy!! <33333

Felix was nervous.

It was expected, really. No one thought that he would just come in all confident and ready to go, but he also didn’t think that they were expecting his shaking hands and fast breaths and darting eyes either. 

The entire world was going in and out of focus around him, sounds were fluctuating through his ears at varying volumes and his tongue didn’t quite sit right in his mouth, like it was fuzzy and not quite sure where to go.

The only thing that remained constant and recognisable was the hand tightly holding his own, occasionally tugging away for a few seconds or squeezing extra hard as the person walked around beside him, clearly trying to sort out everything that Felix couldn’t as he just tried to remember how to breathe. 

Eventually, all the bustle and hustle started calming down as the seconds drew nearer and Felix felt rather than saw the person shifting to come and stand in front of him, one hand still gently cradling his own but the other now coming up to cup his face.

“Hey, Lixie,” Seungmin’s reassuring face gradually came into focus in front of Felix, his voice soft and silky as he gazed down at Felix, eyes calm and relaxing as Felix fell into them, “There’s only a couple of minutes left to go now. Are you ready?”

Felix dragged in a deep breath through his teeth, nodding quickly to reassure himself more than anything. Seungmin just smiled in an understanding way, the makeup smudging slightly on his face as crescents formed around his eyes. 

“You can do this,” he said confidently, the thumb that was on Felix’s cheek squeezing slightly to add emphasis to his words, “You were always destined to do this, remember? This is what you came here for, and you’re finally getting to do it.”

The words felt fireworks on Felix’s skin, burning and piercing him in ways that stung but also lighting up his world in a whole array of colours, bringing sparks of happiness into his mind. 

“Thank you, Seungminnie,” he said quietly, trying to keep his focus on the world around him instead of straying away to the horrible nerves and insecurities swirling through his brain. Seungmin merely smiled in response, tugging him slowly forward as they began to shuffle closer to the rest of the group.

Felix gradually became aware of the crowd getting louder behind the stage curtain as the minutes drew closer. It was only a few moments until they’d start, and Felix couldn’t even begin the comprehend the amount of people there were soon going to be watching him. The feeling simultaneously thrilled and terrified him, lighting his skin ferociously with nerves but also filling him to the brim with excitement. The adrenalin was running rampant through his veins, pumping against his skin like blood, giving him all the energy he needed to finally reach this stage. 

Today was the day.

Today was the time.

He was finally going to step out on stage with Stray Kids.

He was finally going debut.

This day had been months in planning. A whole load of questions had needed to be answered and a whole load of decisions needed to be made. How were they going to announce Felix’s introduction to the group without causing mass confusion? How much of his situation were they allowed to reveal without causing problems? How were they going to adjust choreographies designed for 8 to now fit 9?

Some of the problems had been huge, some had been small. Some of them had been easily solvable, some of them had required sleepless nights and endless meetings to even reach a fraction of an answer. There’d been so many contradictions, so many backtracks, so much potential for it all to go wrong, but in the end they had decided to keep things simple; to just directly address all the rumours that had been circling the group for months.

It all really started a month ago. JYP made a public announcement stating that all the myths that surrounded the supposed Stray Kids’ ninth member were true and that said ninth member was now safe to take their rightful place in the group. Not a lot of Felix’s situation had been revealed and only a tiny fraction of his story had been told, but enough was said that people understood it was serious. 

Felix had expected people to react negatively; to ask intrusive questions, to get defensive over what was already a perfect group, to call the whole thing dramatic and unnecessary. But, miraculously, he was proved completely wrong and was utterly astounded by all the love people poured into the situation. It had helped to make everything so much easier for him. 

The next day, JYP uploaded a sort-of introduction video about Felix. It had only been a few minutes long but was able to showcase a little bit of his rapping and dancing and give him time to answer a few questions that showed off his pure, bubbly personality.

Once again, Felix had expected the worst, dreading to have to go into hiding again just to escape all the hate. But, within hours, the words ‘Felix’, ‘deep voice’ and ‘freckles’ had all been trending worldwide as the entirety of stay twitter had practically all gone into meltdown in excitement. 

Felix didn’t even know how he had felt when he realised people actually liked him, but he had known it was some sort of confusing mixture of relief, shock and inner-pride. The rest of the members had all been as scared as he was by the whole thing, even if they had been trying to hide it, and so the happiness amongst them had been contagious when it worked out successfully, enough to keep them up celebrating on a two-hour long vlive with Stays that had given Felix even more opportunity to show off his angelic personality and loveable smile. 

The reaction had been similar a week later when Stray Kids announced they were having another comeback, one that included Felix, and a huge unveil to debut their new title track and other songs.

Which is where they were now: Seungmin holding Felix’s hand as he tried to process that this was it. This was the moment he would finally show himself to the world. 

This was the moment he would finally be free.

He’d sacrificed everything to chase this dream, lived through years of intense fear just trying to make it work. It had involved him having to leave his home country, him having to leave everything he knew behind, him having to confront years of suffering and abuse to be brave enough to put himself in the spotlight. And, even after everything, there’d been a time that he’d thought it was all impossible, that he’d watched the whole thing go down in flames right in front of him.

But now it was finally happening, now everything was falling perfectly into place and Felix almost couldn’t let himself believe it.

Luckily, Seungmin was there to keep him grounded and to help him stay calm and focus on what he had to do, to remind him that this was all real and it was happening right here, right now. He needed to remember the lyrics, to remember the dances, to remember to smile in front of all the stays he was being introduced to for the first time. 

The stylists had definitely prepared for the occasion. Felix was wearing silver contacts under lined eyes and bright, glittery eyeshadow. His top half was covered by a silver turtleneck with a black fishnet jumper draped loosely over the top and a chain circling his neck that reflected off the stage lights at just the right times. His trousers were black shiny leather pants that hugged his legs in just the right way, accompanied by a sleek black belt with a silver cross hanging from one of the loops. He’d been a bit apprehensive of his shoes at first; they were thin, slightly-heeled boots that he’d worried wouldn’t fit well with the dance, but that was before he realised they allowed him to slide effortlessly across the floor, his now platinum blonde hair bouncing around his face in a way that was almost criminal.

He’d barely believed it was him when he’d first gotten a look at himself in the mirror, completely taken aback by how much like an idol he looked. Some other members had joined him at the mirror, all wearing similar black outfits with pops of gold, silver and bronze, and Felix had fallen into a trance, taking beautiful pictures of all of them to capture the moment.

He was glad his love of photography hadn’t been put on the backburner since he’d officially joined the group. The company had completely respected it, even letting him take some of the comeback shots again. Obviously, he couldn’t take group-shots anymore since he had to been in them, and his solo pictures also had to be taken by someone else, but the rest were all edited and taken by Felix. His k-profile had even been updated, labelling him as a ‘lead dancer, lead rapper and photographer for the group’. 

It was funny, because taking the Stray Kids comeback shots back when he wasn’t in the group was most likely what caused his parents to find him again, what had caused this whole mess in the first place, and so Felix thought it had to be some kind of bad omen for him. But it was also what led to his parents being caught, what led to him officially being allowed to take his place as the ninth member, so maybe he couldn’t see it as a bad thing. Maybe his photography was still the thing that simultaneously allowed him to escape and remain, because it had allowed him to escape his brutal past, but also to remain in the perfect present, and now he was finally exactly where he wanted to be.

The journey had been a hard one, but he had finally reached his destination.

His photography was only one of the things stays had fallen in love with him for, and now he was beyond excited to finally show himself to them, to finally debut on stage in front of them. 

These were the thoughts that sparked dazzlingly through his mind as Seungmin smiled at him with one last soft squeeze of the hand before a staff member pulled back the stage curtain and they all sprinted onto the stage. 

The first thing Felix registered were the lights; they were bright, hilariously bright, and Felix almost couldn’t see. But then his eyes adjusted and the lights faded away to reveal the biggest crowd he had ever seen. Time seemed to pause for a moment, allowing Felix to take in all the beauty laid out before him, all the beauty in the crowd who were screaming for him, screaming for his members, screaming love at them so loudly that Felix almost burst into tears at the mere sound of it.

He’d expected himself to be terrified, he’d expected himself to trip and stumble and completely freak out on stage, but stays were smiling and cheering for him and his members were running around and waving, winking at him at every opportunity and Felix felt every one of his nerves wash away, being replaced by of feeling of such ecstasy he never wanted to let it go. 

This was where he belonged.

This was who he belonged with.

This was what he wanted to do.

This was what he had fought so damn hard for.

Felix couldn’t help but start laughing, one hand covering his mouth and the other waving to the crowd, his eyes watering with complete joy. Chan quickly ran over and threw an arm over his shoulder, dragging him to the front of the stage. Felix whined, burying his face in his hands and shaking his head as he fought half-heartedly against the leader, the lights and cameras instantly following them. The crowd went absolutely wild, cooing and cheering at Felix as he tried to cover the tears on his face, Chan grinning like a complete idiot as Felix finally lifted his head and smiled gratefully at everyone, trying to run over every inch of the stage so he could wave at as many people as possible.

The group allowed themselves to bask in the beauty of the moment for a few more minutes before getting into position to start the first song. They stood themselves in a triangle formation, Felix at the very front. He had tried to protest getting the opening line of their new title track, but literally all the other members had insisted on it and Felix was too outnumbered to fight them. 

So, he waited for the first few beats of the song to start before raising one hand in the air and forcefully slamming it down as the first intense note of the song reverberated powerfully through the venue, accompanied by his deep voice that echoed mightily off every wall in the room. The entire crowd recoiled in shock, his deep voice still booming as he rapped his first verse, the other members all dancing around him as he executed every move with a crisp, neat technique that few could replicate.

The adrenalin was coursing through his veins, entire body lighting on fire as the familiar rush hit him, the lyrics so easily flowing from his tongue and the moves twisting through his body like lightning. It was exhausting and terrifying and overwhelming all at the same time, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. 

This was the feeling Felix had chased.

This was the life he had always wanted. 

This was the person he was meant to be. 

The crowd started cheering again as Jisung took his place in the centre of the group, starting his own verse as Felix followed along with the choreography like he was born doing it. This was what he had come here to do.

He was no longer a walking contradiction, no longer a figurative question mark, no longer a mystery that needed to be solved. He was an idol. He was a dancer. He was a rapper. He was a vocalist. He was a photographer. He was a friend. He was a member of Stray Kids. 

He was Lee Felix, and now he was ready to show that to the entire world.

 

. . . 

 

Felix groaned as he threw himself face-first onto the dorm’s sofa, body screaming with aches, pains and adrenalin as the music continued to ring in his ears and performance high continued to swirl through his blood. It’d been a few hours since the unveil had finished but Felix was still trying to recover from it, energy levels and emotions spiking around all over the place as he tried to process what had just happened. 

They’d only just arrived back at the dorm, too busy being pre-occupied by interviews, changing out of their stage outfits and getting home to really think about the whole situation. Felix’s veins were still dancing erratically from the events of the day, and the group seemed to understand his thoughts perfectly if the fact that at least one of them had been plastered to his side at any given moment was anything to go by. 

Even now, it was only a few seconds before Hyunjin was throwing himself on top of Felix’s back, grunting softly as he landed and knocked all the air out of Felix’s lungs. The two just lay there for a couple of minutes, heartbeats and breaths syncing as one as their bodies slowly melded together, gradually falling together from the intense rush the entire day had been. Felix waited until all the energy in his body was replaced by a perfect kind of bone-deep exhaustion before wiggling around a little with a couple of soft groans, trying to send a message to Hyunjin that he really wasn’t comfortable with a whole other person lying on top of him. 

Hyunjin just giggled softly and slowly slid down so he was lying next to Felix on his stomach, their shoulders and limbs tangled together, both their faces buried in the soft fabric of the sofa. 

Felix had been sad at first, moving out of his new apartment so soon after moving into it, but he’d soon realised that the Stray Kids dorm was most definitely his favourite place to live. He may have to sleep on a top bunk, and peace and quiet may now be a distant memory for him, but he wouldn’t trade it for anything. Not only had a luxurious balcony replaced his old rickety rooftop, but Felix was also now surrounded by the people he loved most in the world. He didn’t need his rooftop time as much anymore, not when he had living beings of comfort permanently with him. 

“You did really well today,” Hyunjin broke through the comfortable silence with a gentle whisper, eyes drifting over to Felix as the younger felt his chest bloom with warmth.

“Thanks, Hyunjinnie,” he smiled slightly, unable to deny the happiness that the compliment had him feeling as his fingers curled slightly around Hyunjin’s, “I can’t even describe it today. It was so… amazing.”

Felix knew there were a million other words he could use to better describe the situation, but Hyunjin seemed to get it as he laughed, leaning over to nuzzle his nose in Felix’s shoulder.

“It was,” Hyunjin smiled, “I know for most of us it was just another concert, but it felt different today. It felt different having you up there with us. It felt like we were finally… I don’t know… complete?”

Felix’s entire body started squirming as Hyunjin’s words sent warmth and love and a million other beautiful things spiralling through his blood, his face breaking out into an embarrassed smile as he buried his head in his hands, whining lightly as Hyunjin giggled at his reaction to the compliment.

“Aww, Lixie,” Hyunjin said sweetly, his arm thrown over Felix’s back and chin digging into his shoulder, “Who knew you were such a softie?”

“Shut up,” Felix whined, voice muffled by his palms, “You started it.”

The infectious laughter that bubbled from Hyunjin at that drew Woojin into the room. The eldest’s eyes formed into adorable little crescents as he took in the sight before him, heart softening as he watched his younger members cuddle on the sofa, Hyunjin’s adorable giggles filling the room.

“Awww look at my precious babies,” he cooed, walking over to the pair and ruffling both of their hair, drawing another whine from Felix and an even louder laugh from Hyunjin.

“Hyuuuuuuuung,” Hyunjin pouted cutely, blinking innocently as he turned to look up at Woojin, “Come cuddle with us.”

Woojin completely melted at the action, eyes softening as he stared down at the boys like they were the most precious things he had even laid eyes on. In a way they were, Felix was still laying on his stomach but had turned his head slightly to gaze at Woojin through one cracked-open, tired eye. And Hyunjin was turned fully-facing him, propped up on his elbows, hair messy and natural skin glowing as adorable little sleep lines popped out on his face. 

“Trust me, I would love to cuddle with you,” Woojin answered softly, one hand stroking the back of Hyunjin’s neck, “But I actually came in here to get Felix.”

Felix completely lifted his head at that, his face crinkling in tiredness and confusion. His hair was completely sticking up on one side and Woojin couldn’t resist his smirk, and Felix was suddenly hit with an extreme sense of déjà vu as he was suddenly transformed back to the night at the park where he had gotten a perfect picture of Woojin crouched similarly on a climbing frame above him, face pulled into an almost identical smirk. Felix hadn’t seen that photo since that night, hadn’t seen any of the photos he had lost.

“Came in here to get me hyung?” Felix asked quietly, trying to ignore all the familiar thoughts trying to push their way back through his brain, “What for?”

Woojin smiled softly at Felix’s question, not failing to notice the immediate apprehension framing the younger’s body.

“It’s okay, Lix,” he said, reaching out a gentle hand to start smoothing down Felix’s hair, “The manager just left something for you in the kitchen earlier, I figured you should go see what it was.”

“Left something for me?” Felix was now more confused than anything else, trying to think if he’d forgotten something during the day that the manager had to drop off for him, “What is it?”

“I don’t know, it looked like a note,” Woojin shrugged, “I figured it would be rude if I opened it before you did.”

“Right,” Felix nodded, pushing himself lazily into a sitting position and trying to drag himself off the sofa, smiling light-heartedly at Hyunjin’s whines at the loss of warmth, “I’ll go check.”

Woojin nodded in response, squeezing Felix’s hand softly as the younger began to walk out the room, throwing a look over his shoulder and melting at the sight of Woojin replacing Felix as Hyunjin’s cuddle bug by slowly tangling himself into the arms of the smiling boy. 

He slowly left the room and made his way through the dorm to the kitchen, smiling at all the members he bumped into on the way. Jeongin was walking around with a toothbrush sticking out his mouth and toothpaste all down his neck, Chan following him around with a load of tissues and a mother-hen voice that Jeongin seemed to be decidedly ignoring if Chan’s increased squawking was anything to go by. 

Seungmin was walking around holding a pile of bed covers in his hand, talking a mile a minute over his shoulder at Jisung who was walking behind him complaining about how Seungmin really didn’t need to change the covers because Jisung hadn’t that sweaty when he sat on Seungmin’s bed. Changbin just seemed mildly amused by the whole thing, standing in the open bathroom doorway and watching them as they bustled about, one headphone in his ear as he used his fingers to tap out a rhythm on his thigh and brushed his hair with the other hand. He grinned widely as Felix slipped past him down the corridor, giving him a high-five as he narrowly avoided a flying plushie that Minho lobbed through his bedroom door in an attempt to get everyone to shut up because he wanted to sleep. 

As expected, it did absolutely no good and the dorm didn’t even get a fraction quieter. In fact, it only seemed to get louder as Minho’s grumpy whines joined in the chaos. 

Felix couldn’t help but smile. His group may be loud, obnoxious and annoying but they were his group and he wouldn’t change them for the world. There had been a time he hadn’t been able to call them his own, hadn’t been able to announce himself as one of them, but those days were over now and he was now proudly able to claim to be one of the most loud, obnoxious and annoying among them, even if Minho was definitely competing with him for the top-spot judging by how many plushies there were spread all over the floor now. 

The chatter and bickering had all faded into background noise by the time Felix made it to the kitchen, and his attention was completely diverted by the small envelope resting in the middle of the dining room table, the word ‘Felix’ scrawled on the top in rushed, messy letters.

Felix’s eyebrows raised as he picked it up. It was light… really light. Felix didn’t even think he could feel a piece of paper inside, which only confused him further as he’d initially suspected it to be a letter. 

“Hmm…” he hummed to himself as he turned the envelope over, eyes widening slightly as one of the corners suddenly dropped, weighed down by a small object that fell to the bottom corner as Felix shifted the paper in his hands.

“What the hell?” he whispered questioningly to himself, about to give in to his curiosity before Chan’s silhouette filled the doorway, the leader probably having succeeded in his mission to get Jeongin to wash his face if the fact that his hands were now free of tissues and Jeongin’s background grumbling were anything to go by. 

“Oh, you found it,” the leader smiled, gesturing at the envelope Felix was holding as he stood puzzledly in the middle of the kitchen, “The manager text me saying they dropped it off earlier, apparently someone at the police station found it and thought it belonged to you.”

Felix’s confusion only increased at that, looking at Chan worriedly as the leader merely shrugged and walked out the room, shouting something about how the now mountain of plushies clogging up the hallway better be put away in the next ten seconds or they were all getting thrown out the window.

The words did slightly scare Felix, but he trusted the group enough to hope that none of his possessions would end up flying out the window as he diverted his attention back to the envelope. He contemplated not opening it for a second, deciding ignorance was better than pain. But the curiosity only got worse and he gave in as he used small, shaky fingers to slowly rip away the seal, taking his time to be careful before he lifted up the paper and poured the contents into his hand. 

His breath immediately hitched, a thousand different thoughts and questions and emotions whirling through him as his jaw hit the floor. First there was shock, then there was confusion, then came disbelief, and finally there was an extreme sense of complete and utter happiness.

In his hand, Felix was holding a small, black, undeniably familiar memory card.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.… this is it.
> 
> I hope that ending was alright, I do love a good happy ending.
> 
> I want to thank you all so much!! This story has received so much love and so much positive attention and I am honestly blown away by all of it. You guys were so nice and sweet and lovely and I want you to know I'm so grateful for all the amazing comments. Some of you really took the time to write out long, thoughtful comments for me to help me with my writing and I appreciate it so, so, so much!!
> 
> I may or may not have started a new oneshot (ik ik I need to be stopped) it is absolutely nowhere near being finished so don't expect anything soon, but if you like Woochanlix then you might want to check it out when it's finally done ;)
> 
> Thank you so much for sticking with me on this story. Stay happy and healthy, ily <3333

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so, so, so much for reading xx
> 
> All comments and kudos are really appreciated, so thank you in advance if you do leave them. I will try my best to respond to every comment <3
> 
> For mini little spoilers or updates on when I will be posting, follow my twitter @hotelfelixxie - I do follow back and sometimes I post little mini drabbles that are too unedited or short for Ao3 if you'd like to check them out (they're in my threads) xx
> 
> Have a beautiful day!


End file.
